She is leaving me the apartment and most of the stuff in it. Thank god for small favors, but the problem is that she won't let me forget it, and uses this fact as leverage in every other discussion that we have about the details of the separation. Not only that, but she feels entitled to be seen as "generous," for doing this. It's infuriating to hear her talk about how "nice" she is being (As if I'm going to give her that kind of affirmation after what she did). I'm having a hard time compartmentalizing her behavior during the divorce from the behavior that led to it, and I have to admit, I've let my emotions get the better of me more than once. My wife is doing a much better job of keeping her cool, even if she is being a cold bitch about most of this. I know I have to get a handle on myself, or else this could bite me in the ass.
Tonight's stupid fight was over cars. We have two cars, one with title in my name, and the other with the title in hers. She has grown attached to the one in my name, and insists that it's "her" car since she used it primarily to commute back and forth to school. She called up a hellstorm when I suggested that I should get that vehicle since it was titled in my name, and of course, as she always did, brought up the fact that she's leaving me most of the furniture, etc. Eventually I capitulated, but said that she should pay the title and registration fees associated with transferring the title on both of the cars. It was going to come up close to around $300. My argument was that it would have been free if we had just kept the vehicles in our names, but since she had insisted on switching them, she should bear the cost.
Well I'll be darned if that didn't result in her going crying to mommy, who then called me in a rage talking about how generous she had been to me all these years, and how she was mad at the way I was behaving, fighting over a measly $300 after all they had done, and after all the generosity my STBX was showing me. She threatened to cut off payment on my student loans (which, though they were in my name, were incurred to pay for my wife's schooling. Long story there). Unbelievable! They say they are being generous, but they're using their "generosity" as a weapon to get what they want.
So basically I was blackmailed into splitting the cost of the car transaction.
I feel like this kind of nonsense is happening almost every time we sit down to negotiate. Probably the only thing that is keeping us at the table is the knowledge that if we lawyered up we'd both end up in a worse position.
I feel like I'm just constantly being beaten into submission. I try to stand up for myself, but in the end, it's less trouble just to suck it up and give her what she wants. I'm so sick of this whole thing, and we still have so much to talk through. I want it to be done. I want her gone. This whole thing is causing me the most heartache and anger since DDay. I hate that our relationship has been reduced to squabbling and scrapping over money. I can't take much more of this. This needs to be over yesterday.
I found out that in my state, the person having the affair gets 60% of debt, and 40% of assets.
I also found out that no matter what we decided, that on the day of the final hearing there is a paper that both attys have to fill out showing that everything was divided equitably. I think you should go see an atty asap just to run the whole thing by him. The 1st guy I saw said that for 500.00 he would prepare everything and we could go into his office to sign it all.
And we are planning on seeing one. We're just trying to negotiate as much on our own before we do so that we can have as few sessions as possible and save money.
and hint - don't take calls from you STBXMIL, she obviously isn't on your side.
It is infuriating, tedious and exhausting, no denying it!
dbellanon - What are you going to do when the D is final...?
Make a plan - to take a trip - or go camping - whatever it is that appeals and spend sometime focusing on that, making plans.
[This message edited by stronger08 at 8:17 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]
A legal battle over this would suck us both dry. The problem is that this fact is being used as a bludgeon as well. My mother in law threatened to call a lawyer tomorrow if I didn't start acting according to her definition of "reasonable." So in addition to enabling the affair and the divorce, my STBXMIL is willing to foot the bill for a legal action. Great! And then I'd be forced to either spend all my money (which is not a lot) on a lawyer, or else ask my family for help, which they would probably give, but not happily.
And frankly it's a stupid threat, because not only will it cost them a ton of money, but it's not exactly going to help the two of us reach a reasonable and fair agreement together. Still, I feel like if I push too hard, this could escalate very fast, and somebody could do something very stupid and destructive.
So I'm staying with the negotiating process for now, but I feel like they hold all the cards. They've already decided what they think is "fair," and if I fight it, then there's hell to pay. I don't have any recourse really. I can try to argue, but if we reach an impasse, they'll just threaten to lawyer up and make it harder on me.
In truth, the deal I'm being offered so far is not the worst deal in the world, and there are a number of ways in which I come out fairly well in it, but it's just the feeling of being out of control (which I have had ever since this ordeal began). This thing is really kicking my ass.
Status: D 2011
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
it's not exactly going to help the two of us reach a reasonable and fair agreement together.
DBell, if you are unable to tell these people NO, then a L is going to be worth his/her weight in gold to you.
**I'm worried about those student loans that are in your name.....**
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I fail to see how going broke paying legal fees is going to make me better off?
As an aside....have you looked over your State's divorce laws? Fault or no-fault? Separate or community property state?