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Want to get DD4 ears pierced....check with WS beforehand?

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GrievingMommy posted 6/30/2013 20:59 PM

DD4 has been really interested about earrings and I think she would look so cute with them. But my question is I wonder if I have to get XH's opinion/blessing on it since we're joint legal custody.

Backstory: He hasn't seen the children in six months (before Christmas) and the only contact he's had was when he Skyped on the computer with them back in March one time (his choice). He knows the children want to at least talk to him and he ignores them.

Now he might not take them this summer at all for his month (total) with them. They could very well go almost a year total before seeing their father.

So.....should I even bother asking him?? And it's not like he'll have to help with the healing process (cleaning).

persevere posted 6/30/2013 21:03 PM

I wouldn't ask....

devistatedmom posted 6/30/2013 21:13 PM

IF you had ANY type of co-parenting arrangement, I would say ask him, because you don't want him doing something major (long hair cut short, allowing tatoos when older) without your approval. I try to think of what I would want to know before-hand when I decide whether to ask or not.

Since he hasn't even been talking to the kids, do you communicate at all? Does he at least email you about things?

If not, I wouldn't say a word.
He won't even notice since he isn't seeing them or talking to them.

If so, I would say email him, but don't ask. Just state that on Wednesday DD and I are going to get her ears pierced, as she has been requesting it. Don't give him a say, just tell him what you are doing.

Nature_Girl posted 6/30/2013 21:34 PM

Email him & let him know. In most cases of joint custody that I've read about, one parent is not allowed to arbitrarily make permanent alterations to the child's body, like pierced ears, tatoos, or even haircuts, without the other parent's knowledge beforehand.

nowiknow23 posted 6/30/2013 22:13 PM

I wouldn't ask, but I would tell him ahead of time. Joint legal custody is just that - joint.

wannabenormal posted 6/30/2013 22:31 PM

Since he seems somewhat absent honestly, I wouldn't ask permission, but shoot an FYI text/email as to your plan to pierce ears...just as a courtesy.

lifestoshort posted 6/30/2013 22:57 PM

he hasnt been around for 6 months? then no. dont ask. i think if your child wants her ears peirced, you are the one who would take her anyway. pointless to ask. you are over thinking this :)

SBB posted 7/1/2013 04:59 AM

I would be devastated if the sad clown had my girls ears pierced as I have a particular view on this issue that he is well aware of.

I was devastated when he had her beautiful long hair chopped off into a very short bob (too short for a ponytail).

There's not a lot I could do about it.

I would inform him. If he has a particular view he could share it with you and then it would be still be up to you to decide. Just as if he decided he was going to get their ears pierced.

I know you are the primary caregiver which does make a difference but you yourself would want to be informed of such a major decision. I always ask myself if I would want to know before deciding whether or not to contact him.

BTW, its completely shit that he hasn't seen his own children for 6m. Disgraceful. He doesn't have a right to know but IMO informing him is the right thing to do.

Amazonia posted 7/1/2013 08:00 AM

Wasn't it your ex who married some young lawyer and was acting like he was going to make a custody play? Is that still going on?

GrievingMommy posted 7/1/2013 09:53 AM

Thatís what I was thinking Ė to just inform him of it and then the ball is in his court wether to even respond. He isnít answering any e-mails regarding our children (that is only contact we have). Doesnít co-parent at all. ARGH! Hell, I didnít even hear from him when I told him our four yr old daughter needed surgery (adenoids) in May. No questions, concerns, etc. He didnít even bother to talk to her the night before her surgery just in case something went wrong.

Ama, yes he married the new atty last year. Last year they wanted the kids a lot for his custodial time and their wedding, shower, etc. That all ended when they got married. Since September he has come to town three times and has seen the kids a total of six days in the last nine months. Now all of a sudden finances are limiting them and possibly why he might not see the kids this summer while last year they did 7,000 miles of driving (literally) and got married.

damncutekitty posted 7/1/2013 19:51 PM

IMO the only reason you would need to check with him is if he had the kids regularly and needed to be involved in cleaning her piercings. But if there are no plans for her to see her dad in the time it takes for ear piercings to heal, then who cares?

lifestoshort posted 7/1/2013 20:15 PM

i highly doubt a guy who hasnt seen his kids in six months will care about a haircut or earrings. women do this, we have different sentimental feelings and beliefs. guys do not. if they do, they tend to be gay. LOL, ok half joking but really what guy have you met gets all sad cause his daughter is getting a hair cut. they barely notice when their women get haircuts or new do's.

i stay strong on this. no reason to call him or let him know. he may not even see kids in the next 2 months, 6 or 12!!

Coraline posted 7/1/2013 20:49 PM

If you're joint legal, I think you have to inform him ahead of time, to give him a chance to say he doesn't want you to. There are legitimate reasons a person might want to wait, and while I doubt he actually gives a rat's ass whether you do it or not, or has any legitimate reasons to want you to wait, he *could* use it against you.

Kajem posted 7/1/2013 21:44 PM

I would send an email along the lines of :


DD has been very interested in getting her ears pierced. I am planning on taking her to get them pierced on July 13. Unless I hear from you prior to July 12, I will assume you are in agreement with my plan to get her ears pierced.

That way lawyer can't say he wasn't given an option for approval or denial. If you don't give him any options and just tell him, it looks like you are completely disregarding the agreement to joint custody and some judges will bend backwards to make it right by giving him more control or time. Do keep your part of the agreement, don't stoop to his level of low.



ruinedandbroken posted 7/1/2013 22:39 PM

If it were me personally, I wouldn't ask or tell. Not saying that's the right thing or what you should do. But that's what I would do.

Nature_Girl posted 7/1/2013 22:55 PM

If you don't give him any options and just tell him, it looks like you are completely disregarding the agreement to joint custody and some judges will bend backwards to make it right by giving him more control or time.

This is what you want to avoid. You need to at least appear cooperative.

peridot posted 7/1/2013 23:16 PM

I would send the email that Kajem posted. That way you cover your ass. Especially since you think he might be making a play at custody.

GrievingMommy posted 7/6/2013 16:30 PM

Thanks for the ideas. Since I don't want to give him any ammo, I think I will send the email notifying him of it and not asking his opinion.

Too bad we even have joint legal since he's not involved with them at all!

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