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Contacting the other spouse

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Atticus13 posted 6/30/2013 22:27 PM

I'm new to the forums and have found the topics, posts, advice and thoughts shared very helpful going through this difficult time.

The "nuts and bolts" of my story are I separated from my husband about six weeks ago. We separated due to his alcoholism and refusal to seek to treatment. Shortly after separating, I discovered via cell phone records a number he frequently called, and whoever had that number frequently called him. The number belonged to co-worker of his. In time, I learned he has been having an affair with her for some time, and she is also married and leaving her husband. Due to the internet age, it has been very easy to figure out who she is, who her husband is, and through my husband's own admissions, they are now together.

My question is: I have been wrestling with my conscience for some time about contacting her husband (the other BS). I have days where I wonder if he knows the truth, and I ask myself if he deserves to know the truth...and then I think he might have no idea and I could very well destroy this guy's world even more than divorce is destroying it. I don't know him at all --- I am a complete stranger to him. Sometimes I just want to invite him out for a beer and give him a hug and say "I get it". But then I think my motivation is selfish and I'm just trying to hurt this other woman somehow...

Have any of you ever taken this step? What was the outcome? My other fear is it could seriously hurt my settlement agreement in my divorce just from an attitude standpoint...I know infidelity doesn't factor in to a divorce is California. It's a no fault state...

If anyone has thoughts, opinions, experience with this question, would love to hear what you have to say.

wannabenormal posted 6/30/2013 22:37 PM

I think I would notify the other spouse.

It's hard to do - like you don't want to piss off your WS and you think at the time that YOU need to tread lightly and stuff, but you don't.

This isn't a mess you made and unfortunately, you are not the only spouse affected.

Ask yourself - if in the shoes you are in now, if you didn't know, would you want to? Wouldn't you want to know why your spouse came home 'one day' and wanted out?

To me, if I had the info, I would tell. I was told they were divorced already.

They weren't, but were in the process because OW wanted out and let her BS think it was him, when it wasn't. He soon found out and called me.

Atticus13 posted 6/30/2013 22:46 PM

If you don't mind my asking, when you got the call, how did you react / feel? Did you feel like he was worsening things for you and did you feel like you had someone looking out for you?

mightsurvive posted 6/30/2013 23:07 PM

I did tell the OBS. I did not know the OBS from any other man on this Earth. But At that point I felt that I no longer owed my husband anything and I just wanted the affair to stop! I first called the obs at home and left messages but realized the pos mow was intercepting these so I emailed the OBS at work to tell him "something" was going on with my husband and his wife and I gave him my number to call me if he wanted. He called me immediately after getting the message. We were able to put things together. We have talked a few times since then. No one else I know IRL knows what this is like so it was quite helpful at the time. Now we try not to talk (small town) but if I see him I justI say "hi" .

Anyways I am sooooo glad I told him. I did nothing wrong and I think that people knowing about the affair is one of the consequences that WH and MOW have to face because this is reality. Also exposing the affair knocked it flat on its ass right away. I am all for exposure. However it was very hard to knowingly devastate another person was difficult for me but better for all of us and the 5 different children involved in the long run

JustWow posted 7/1/2013 06:14 AM

I received the call.

I was relieved - FWH was driving me crazy gaslighting me. It was a relief to know I wasn't crazy.

And it ended the A. They thrive in secrecy, once I knew, I kinda saw to it that anyone, including their bosses, who might need to know was informed.

The other BS divorced his W. He subpeonaed FWH as a witness.......

stillhere09 posted 7/1/2013 06:41 AM

In my first M, I told the other betrayed spouse. I went to his work with hand written fantasy notes his wife gave my H. There was a whole trash bag full! (She had the mentality of a 12 year old.) This was before the internet and cell phones. She was his ho-worker.

Anyway, her H read several of the notes, thanked me, and told me some things of which I had been unaware, like time they had spent alone together. There was one night when my H had told me he had stayed at his boss's house. No, he had stayed at the house of her and her H, and her H had left for work at dawn.

He thanked me for telling him and he gave me his work phone # and I gave him my phone #, and we agreed to contact each other if we saw anything new going on.

She quit her job just after that. She had to if she wanted to save her M. She was then too busy trying to salvage her M to worry about being with my H.

I suggest you tell her H. He has a right to know, he may need tested for STD's, since his wife has doubtless been unfaithful to him with more than one other man. When you tell him, just do so gently and with proof.

soveryweary posted 7/1/2013 07:50 AM

i never did contact and I am regretting it big time now.
After 2 years of false reconciliation, I found they are still having the affair.
The OBS is not on any kind of social network and they lost their house so I don't know where they are or even if they are still married.
In my rage, I contacted the OBS sister on FB, that was Sunday I have have heard nothing back.
I think you should do it, I wish I had listened to the advice here instead of my therapist.

itainteasy posted 7/1/2013 08:07 AM

Tell. You have information about his life that he deserves to know.

featherweight posted 7/1/2013 08:23 AM

Definitely tell him. There's a good chance she left him thinking it was about her 1,000 other "reasons" besides the truth. He deserves to know the whole truth. He probably suspects already, but there's a lot of peace in knowing truth.

[This message edited by featherweight at 8:36 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

lilflower1000 posted 7/1/2013 08:24 AM

He deserves to know.

featherweight posted 7/1/2013 08:31 AM

In my case, the other BS came to me (after I had already figured it out) and we met to compare notes. I didn't trust him much, they lived a very different lifestyle and I was somewhat afraid of aligning with him, but the few items we shared helped a lot - knowing that when fWH was acting suspiciously & I supsected lies she was also missing/not where she was supposed to be. Solidified a lot of suspicions... but I didn't want to have any contact with the other BS after that conversation. I didn't trust him to be 100% honest, thought he might embellish the facts to cause fWH more trouble... also didn't want to give him too many details & "fuel his fire" for fear of him becoming violent.

Later this man did find fWH & his wife (mOW) in a bar together, he walked over to them & without saying a word punched fWH in the face, split his lip & ended up in jail for the night. Scary times.

[This message edited by featherweight at 8:35 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

RedRose posted 7/1/2013 20:51 PM

I didn't contact the other BS, but wish that I had. My WH is in a position where he could lose his job if the affair comes out, and we can't financially afford that. I have told him, however, that soon as he or the OW leaves their current job, I will be contacting him. He deserves to know.

wannabenormal posted 7/3/2013 21:41 PM

If you don't mind my asking, when you got the call, how did you react / feel? Did you feel like he was worsening things for you and did you feel like you had someone looking out for you?

Sorry, just seeing this.

When I first talked to him, I really didn't feel like he worsened anything. He was calm and collected. He was very factual. Honestly, like 6 weeks out (and I hadn't told A SOUL in real life) it was sort of comforting. Not only could I talk to someone about it, I could talk to someone that got it 100%, every worried night I had, he did too. Every charge on the cards or withdrawals from the bank...he had them too. We talked for a little while, he was further along than me. For him, calling me was like his last ditch effort, when I was just in my beginning?

To me - it didn't hurt things, I wasn't offended, I didn't think he was a liar, I just listened. I KNEW at the time too. He didn't spill the beans to me.

I think it's probably different if you're outing the A. I think...I KNOW it'd be different. You'd not believe or want to believe it.

Anyway, my experience was validation and comfort at the time, sad as it also all was too.

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