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im ending my marriage

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lifestoshort posted 6/30/2013 23:10 PM

i posted a long while back about marrying a friend i had known for sometime. well it didnt work. mainly cause I had not lived with him and seeing what he does/doesnt do it driving me crazy.

so altho there some good stuff, its not enough to stay in this relationship. had I not been married, I would have ended it last yr. i tried a bit more but feel no love in over 7 months now and that to me is selling myself short by dealing with the bs that goes along w staying with him.
he did not cheat, nor did I. but my last ex did and I loved him very much. I stayed with him a long time and he cheated more. so I certainly have triggers and worries. the man im married to now would never cheat, but he constantly thinks I will.
I am smothered with him wanting to know where I am going, when home, with who... he doesnt have any friends what so ever so I am his only outlet (which i cannot stand cause I am so independent)
I am finding myself hiding in my bedroom the majority of the time, and even when i pee he walks in. gah!

i have asked him on the yr hes been here to do xyz and none has happened. he's very lazy, sleeps till 10-12 each day, no job. I pay the majority of the bills and nag when I need something done in house cause I worked... hes a procrastinator. thats why i want to end it. why do i want to keep a useless husband?

i just had enough taking care of HIM vs us taking care of one another. i was really hoping that this one was it. we have so much in common but i also like exploring and living my life not being stuck in a cave :/

he hasnt moved out yet. waiting... its been months since I asked him to go. and then I said no later then this month, he's still here! nothing is even packed :( i have owned this house nearly a decade so its not there is anything to split.

i have a big child support hearing next month in court and want to get that done w out my ex seeing me filing for divorce. after that, im getting it done. hoping it ensures he will leave my home. I am just sick of feeding and supporting him while I also do all the laundry and majority of cleaning. oh, and take care of a dog he wanted.

sorry, I had to vent. I am saying im angry to be going thru this again but honestly really relieved to see a end to it. no kids shared :) after I file we can be divorced in 4 months. by then we will have been married just shy of a yr.

SBB posted 7/1/2013 05:48 AM

My biggest regret besides marrying him and having children with him is staying in that marriage.

I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you what I would do.

I would seek help. MC, IC for both of you. I would express my feelings openly and honestly. It is simply no way to live.

If that didn't work I would end the marriage before it was ground down into dust. I wouldn't hold on with all fingers and toes. I would not allow my choices to be dictated by fear.

((lifestoshort)) - life is indeed too short.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:49 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

lifestoshort posted 7/1/2013 20:12 PM

we are both in counseling (been waiting 7 months) so all we are doing seperately in these sessions is venting. sadly they dont seem to give us much direction but the girl did ask me, why are you even with him right now? I said cause I am married or I would have ended it long ago.

I dont see any reasons to stay with someone who constantly disregards my feelings, or I have a loss of a pregnancy (which has happened) and he still expected me to clean, cook, take care of kids and run errands for everyone while said miscarriage was happening. he is clueless, insensitive, greedy, possesive and agressive. he always gets in my face to instigate fights. thats why he walks in the bathroom when i am peeing even tho door is locked or I tell him to not come in. he has no boundaries cause he says, why not, you already said you want out so why do I care what you think anymore.

I just need him out of the house and he didnt leave today. infact, he left me to care for his child while he wanted to hang in the basement again. BTW he slept till 11am again.

his other things is, he is always trying to one up me and do circle stories by rehashing everything to go in his favor. i call this excuses and cut him off since its pointless. he's always saying how he spent X amount of money for this and that (but it went to his car and a lawyer for him) but ofcourse in his head it went to ME. he's paid me rent at max. thats it.

Im just over it. I cant see how counseling will help when I am suffocating with him in my presence and he wont go do things alone or with friends. heck he doesnt have a job so he is here 100% of the time! ahhh.

lifestoshort posted 7/1/2013 22:26 PM

my friend is telling me tonight, "Im all for making marriage work BUT if you cannot both work at it, then its already dead."

i feel thats where we are at. that I left him in my head in Jan. too much resentment now, and maybe even being angry from my past failed marriages and them cheating or treating me badly that I wont give one iota to this guy who stats doing not nice things. i just have NO patience with being on a 3rd marriage.

each time I think about staying, the only way I can see even trying is because we have a HUGE break. meaning I want him to move out, see what life is like on HIS own and taking care of him so he can decide if he wants to be more. all along, look for a job while I dont have to ask for him to do xyz and then feel miserable cause he didnt do it, again :(

but this is more than me just feeling i have lost nearly every ounce of shine I had in me... its about me just feeling unsafe and almost stalked in my own home. then badgered and cornered cause I chose to not stay romantic or in this with him. i just cannot go on living like this.

the last straw was when I realized how much i dislike life. did it have to really do with me? no. it had to do with me being stuck at home the majority of the time or him being at my side every errand or pee so I have no space to think or breathe. hell, when I deal with a client, HE wants to know all about it and will fix the situation (if they dont pay right away) and find them if need be. wtf?!
oh oh, he started walking around with a knife in his belt today too! yeah, freeky.

Jan we had a big fall out and he called the police on me in my own home and tried to get me in trouble for a big story he made up. end result, police in front of my kids, they saw I was calm and normal and advised for him to leave- which he refused. he said this was his home. thats what freeks me out. he possesional of me and my home of nearly a decade.

SBB posted 7/2/2013 06:57 AM

OK. You need to get out. This isn't a cheating husband problem nor even a shit husband problem.

This is an abuse problem.

Go and see a lawyer tomorrow.

Go to the police and tell them the things you've just told us.

Being safe is what you need to focus on. Like a frog boiled slowly you haven't really noticed how bad it has gotten. It has become your 'normal'. It is anything but normal.

He is walking around carrying a knife - how bad does it need to get?

Get away from him - like yesterday. Call a family member, a close friend and tell them what is happening. Call a Women's Refuge - whatever you need to do.

This situation is not safe. Not for you - not for your kids.

lifestoshort posted 7/2/2013 11:46 AM

he moved out today while i was at the counselors. he tried to say goodbye and I didnt know he was moving right then so refused to look at him. I was just still so pissed off.

when i got back, nearly all his stuff was gone. and THEN I felt sick. I recall this feeling. like finding out someone cheated yet being torn to want to be with them or leave. Im there.

i dont know where he went, we have bills to split, we have ins and such... there are things to divide. hell even if i sent a divorce order, it has NO WHERE to go.

i feel like an abused person who feels lost all the sudden. very nauseated. and sad :/ so many emotions I have had built up for months. wtf is wrong with me?

lifestoshort posted 7/2/2013 12:35 PM

well that sad immediately changed to anger again when I heard he wanted my ex's number and one of the kids gave it to him. omg. this just got ugly.
its the ex I am going to court w soon to change my child support with. so my now husband wants to air my secrets and strategy? wow. how low.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/2/2013 12:49 PM

Wow, please be careful, he may try to come back for revenge. I mean if he is trying to call your ex he is a very vindictive person. Scary shit...

Be happy he is gone.

lifestoshort posted 7/2/2013 13:09 PM

well the funny thing is, I know he cannot be totally gone. I have no clue where he went, what state or what have you but he is reeking havoc already.

there are things of his here, and we have bills to divide.
NC will be best for a bit. I emailed him asking him to NOT contact any ex's and be civil. he probably already called. he is so mad he doesnt care what he does. I have seen this before, which stated the reason for me wanting to end it. i saw I could not trust him due to him reaching out to my ex's and such. weird right? i havent called his family or ex's. geez.

lifestoshort posted 7/2/2013 14:38 PM

(bawling here) he stole all my money from my personal safe. this was my work money. he took every last dollar. $3K that was to pay my house taxes in 3 weeks and the lawyer for court on a different order not related to him. somehow he found my key and broke in and took it all.

called police and they say i will have to hire atty to get the money back. riiiiigght. im broke already! thats all the money I had.

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 2:38 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Faithful w/Love posted 7/2/2013 14:58 PM

OMG, I am so so sorry. Why can't they press charges? Is it because it you two are married?

Oh man, this is a nightmare. This really tells you who he is and what kinds of Fuckass he really is. Call your lawyer and see what they could do. I would also call the people for house taxes.

Be careful but protect yourself also. What a FUCKING PRICK!!!!! Divorce his ASS ASAP!!! THEFT, FUCK, DICK!!!!!

lifestoshort posted 7/2/2013 15:51 PM

yes they wont press charges or go find him cause its "marital property" i said but I have been saving that for when he does move out. for me to pay bills, its from ME working!! they said call lawyer. ok great but I dont have any money for a lawyer now. I may just have enough room on a charge card to get the lawyer paid for my child support hearing in 2 weeks. (which should increase my support to double and obviously help w money and bills)

im devestated. just in despair. wow the emotions are coming out today. thank god I have a counselor appt tomorrow morning. i am gunna need it!

i really thought we would just go our ways with him paying me maybe $800 for bills. nope, he stole $3K and my faith in everything. cannot believe it.

lifestoshort posted 7/2/2013 21:07 PM

i have 2 threads going now but just wanted to update to say he contacted my friend and told his side of the story and then said how he is so done. he took enough money to start his life over and if i can find him i can sue him for the money and bills. he just didnt give a rats ass what the law is here or anything. i have no state he is in, here or any other but he's getting paid for being married to me so i will inform VA about how he left and not paying me anything.

i cried all day. feel like a brain dead person since I over thought all day. counseling and lawyer in morning.

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