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Memory lapses

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changedforlife posted 6/30/2013 23:16 PM

I'm curious if other BS have noticed that the WS has trouble remembering things that happened in their home life while they were in the A? My WH does not have the best memory but I have mentioned things that occurred while he was having the A that he does not remember at all.

I'm curious if this is a common symptom of the A or if it could be due to his bi-polar? His psychiatrist recently mentioned that he was a little on the high side during the time of the A but neither WH nor I noticed any of his usual signs of that. Perhaps I missed them because he had another outlet for it. I am also super pissed that his psychiatrist noticed this but never said anything at the time. WH is planning to bring this up to him at his next appointment.

Any others have memory lapses as a result of the A?

scissorhands posted 7/1/2013 01:25 AM

My WS disagrees on the day that I discovered his activities. He has a very vague memory about thi

guarded posted 7/1/2013 20:40 PM

Huge huge huge lack of memory for events that happened during affair. Not exactly sure how much is truly not remembered, how much is blocked out, and how much is just bullshit, though.

dameia posted 7/1/2013 21:22 PM

My WH remembers very little. He has a terrible memory anyway, and he is a master compartmentalizer.

When I bring up the terrible way he treated me and all the other shit he did, he claims he doesn't remember any of that. I think it's more a case of not WANTING to remember, KWIM?

SadFlower posted 7/2/2013 07:27 AM

My FWH claims he does not remember the second confrontation (of three) over my suspicions about the A. I asked him what was really going on, asked him about a couple of specific incidents that seemed dicey, and reduced him to tears. But I didn't have solid proof, so while he was reduced to tears, he never confessed, and I pulled back and vowed to obtain the proof I needed. Which I did.

FWH claims to have no memory of that talk, but it was after that that he and OW stopped having sex and went EA. OW was (according to the e-mails) highly upset about that. FWH does report that OW noticed a difference in him after that talk. FWH figures he was just so traumatized that he's blocked it out. Amazing.

changedforlife posted 7/2/2013 08:20 AM

Yes, I agree that my WH has a terrible memory about A related stuff, as well. Whether it is that he doesn't remember or that he just doesn't WANT to remember, I'm not sure.

It's funny that him not remembering A related things doesn't really bother me that much. It is when he doesn't remember things that happened at home while he was having the A that really bother me. I guess because I now know that he wasn't really present with us at home even when he was here. I guess that shouldn't surprise me. Why be present in the mundane home life when you have a fantasy life to escape to?

I think my question was trying to see if his memory lapses could be due to the bipolar but I think it is probably common in lots of cases. I am frightened that his psychiatrist thinks he running high at the time when we didn't notice that. Maybe it is hindsight on his part but even in hindsight, my WH and I cannot see it. Perhaps WH can get some answers at his next appointment.

Thanks for your responses.
Sadflower - I was also amazed at your story.

SadFlower posted 7/2/2013 11:59 AM

I'll also add that my FWH, like Demeia's above, doesn't always remember things normally. We'll have a conversation about something, and several days later, he will be unable to recall talking about it at all. (He's always been like that--otherwise, I'd suspect the onset of dementia.)

Another incident: After D-Day, when he made the NC call to OW, she reportedly exclaimed, 'But you promised we'd never get caught!" He swears that he has no memory of ever having said any such thing to her. Actually, I think OW's memory is more trustworthy on this point.

He sure doesn't remember how shabbily he treated me on our 10th anniversary (two years into the A).

We had some lovely vacations during the A, and he does remember details of those.

circleoflife posted 7/2/2013 12:57 PM

I'm not sure about being bi-polar and having memory lapses, i'm sure it's a possibility. However, I have told WS several times it's very "convenient" for him to "not remember" any of the details. I get lots of I don't knows and lots of I don't remember dates/times, etc...Prior to his A he seemed to have a decent memory of things and didn't hesitate to throw something in my face, had I forgot. Now he has lots of "memory lapses" most of which I don't buy one bit!

Itstoohard posted 7/2/2013 13:20 PM

My FWH has a generally poor memory but he does remember everything of the "act". But he remembers nothing of how he got there. I mean they have an EA for approx 4 years but he remembers nothing of it. The conversations they had. Nothing of the planning to take a plane to see her!

ladya posted 7/2/2013 14:41 PM

My FWH is the same way. 3 years later this still happens. I will say something that one of the kids did and he will look at me like I'm talking about someone else's children. I think they were so busy with the affairs they shut off the world at home.

In my case it is not related to a personality disorder, just a stupid man who thought he needed a girlfriend to pass the time with. :) Just thinking about all of the lies he had to keep straight and always being on guard about what he said helps me to completely understand how he couldn't remember everyday things going on in our life.

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