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Embers2Fire posted 7/1/2013 00:39 AM

Hi, I do a lot of reading here but I rarely ever post however, I know no one else would really understand this except the SI family. I am getting married Nov 1st of this year and wedding planning is in full swing. The problem is I am not really enjoying it, in fact the details of it all tie my stomach up in knots. By the day of my wedding I will have been with my fiancee for 4 years, we have lived together now for 2. I am happy and I love him but I am feeling afraid of taking the actual vows, afraid of being betrayed again, afraid that this can all become a lie, that one day when I least expect it he will hurt me too. In fact I could not pin point my dread and fear until this very moment when I sat down to write and it began to flow out of me. I also feel sad because at this point in my life I thought I would be the mother of the groom but sure as hell not a bride. It all seems so crazy at times. We are so far behind the 8 ball, my fiancee and I will be lucky if we get 25 years together, I wonder how many of those will be active healthy years. We are starting our lives together so late in life. Sometimes I want to scream I get so angry when I think of the years I gave my XWH not one of which I can get back all of those years gone and so many less now to give to my future husband. This all makes me angry and sad. But more than angry and sad I feel afraid. I should be tickled pink with joy and happiness right now but instead I feel afraid. Late at night when I can not sleep like now and I think about it all I feel like I can barely breathe like I am about to have a panic attack. Thanks for listening, I had to get this off my chest.

TrustedHer posted 7/1/2013 00:55 AM

I hear you.

It's hard. Long ago, you set out on a plan, which said "forever". That plan didn't work out.

What about the new plan? You can only do what you can do from this starting point. No more, and no less.

tabitha95 posted 7/1/2013 01:23 AM

I'm no where near the point of marriage, but I think I'd been feeling the same way as you.

I see everything differently now, and not in a good way.

My nurse friend posted about a man laying next to his wife of 70 years on her hospital bed while she was dying. I won't have that. Seeing things like that make me feel sorry for myself.

gma56 posted 7/1/2013 02:20 AM

My nurse friend posted about a man laying next to his wife of 70 years on her hospital bed while she was dying. I won't have that. Seeing things like that make me feel sorry for myself.

We may not have 70 yrs but how wonderful if we had the love with someone that would lay next to us as we die. It isn't the length of time together, it's the blessing of loving and being there for each other to the end.

[This message edited by gma56 at 2:21 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

MovingUpward posted 7/1/2013 07:03 AM

We can always look and see what we don't have because of the detour that infidelity has caused us. For many of the things you've pointed out there is no way to reverse the course, your options are to remain stuck or to make the most of the things you have.

The important things to remember going forward.

1) Live each day to the fullest
2) You are strong enough that nothing can stop you
3) Every person is different and we shouldn't project suspicions
4) Open communication is what makes a relationship strong, open up to your fiance about your feelings.
5) Life is better with a little salsa.

When I met you at the Memphis g2g many moons ago, you were a lady full of energy and happiness. You talked highly of your boyfriend (now fiance) and your excitement about life could be easily seen. I am sure that that is still there within you being hidden now by your fears. Keep talking about this with SI, fiance, friends, etc. about this and your fears should dissipate.

Sad in AZ posted 7/1/2013 07:57 AM

It's never about quantity; what's important is quality. Always remember that

Is it too late to put the brakes on all the planning and just do something simple and meaningful to the two of you? Or at least modify the plans to simplify?

Good luck and many blessings.

missherlots posted 7/1/2013 12:29 PM

dear Ember2fire, Stop thinking in the past and the future bc that is what is causing anxiety and depression ( sadness ). Sit down again and think in the now and enjoy it as it will be everything ever existed. Remove fear of your live by being present in the moment and that is it!. the if's are not here yet, so don't worry about it, instead, focus on your feelings for your partner and let the love flow every moment while you have it because one day it will be gone. It is the law of life, nothing is forever, no guarantees or for sure in live. You have an option to be for him in full or half ways. Be sure you give him everything you have and hope he does the same for you, the rest is just life and we have to live it.
Make space for you doubts but don't let them take over!
everything you need to be happy is inside you just look for it. Sit down and think how good is the universe with you to give you another partner in life. Be compassioned and loving with yourself.
"make love to yourself perfect" (not in a sexual context)

Embers2Fire posted 7/1/2013 12:45 PM

Thanks to all of you for your words of wisdom. I do feel better today, but I will do as you say MU, I will keep posting, sharing and talking with all of you and my fiancee. I have a dress fitting today at 4:30 will let you all know if I go into a panic attack when I put the dress on lol. Seriously though I feel less anxious today and I have taken all your advise here to heart. By the way AZ this is a small intimate affair with only about 65-70 guests and a full service venue that takes care of everything. But trust me just having to pick out a color for the table gets me flustered these days lol. I guess all this wedding planning is dredging up old feelings and lots of new fears. Thanks again to you all. Be back later with wedding dress update

Embers2Fire posted 7/2/2013 12:48 PM

So had the fitting and did not have a panic attack. Yay me! Have not had a chance to really discuss a lot of my feelings with fiancee because he has been working really hard lately and gets home to tired to really be there for me mentally so I wait. Feeling better since I put my fears into words here, thanks for listening, will keep you updated.

MovingUpward posted 7/2/2013 12:59 PM

Glad that you didn't have a panic attack

Newlease posted 7/2/2013 13:21 PM

I understand. I am just planning to move in with SO and I get a little panicky sometimes. I just know that I can handle whatever comes and the joy and love are worth the risk.

Instead of being angry about the seemingly short amount of time we will have together, I am anxious to get going on the quality time we will have just being with each other every day. I'm going to try and make every moment count and make as many memories as possible in the time that we have. I am 52 and he is 65.

Sending strength and peace.


NaiveAgain posted 7/2/2013 17:01 PM

Hi Embers!

I am sorry to hear the joy of your NB with your fiance is being dampened a bit by the fear.

cause at this point in my life I thought I would be the mother of the groom but sure as hell not a bride. It all seems so crazy at times. We are so far behind the 8 ball, my fiancee and I will be lucky if we get 25 years together,
Hey! You and I are close in age and I am planning on having a good 50 years with my new guy. We have to let go of our old expectations. I think it is really cool to be a bride again. Have fun planning your wedding! Some people only get to do this once! I understand the fear of being betrayed and hurt again, but do you really want that fear to control your life and especially what should be a very happy occasion for you? Don't let your WS do that to you....or to your fiance!

I should be tickled pink with joy and happiness right now but instead I feel afraid.
Yes, you should be enjoying this. Here is the thing...there are no guarantees in life. And no matter what, even if you have one partner for life, someone is going to get hurt, because it is very rare that both partners die at the same time. Someone is always left behind and sad and hurting....

So, you can decide to enjoy this, have fun planning this, and be happy you have found love again with a wonderful man! Or you can decide to let this fear ruin what should be a very happy time for you. There is a saying I've learned to take to heart. "Nothing lasts forever." That means the good, the bad, the happy, and the sad. Enjoy the good and the happy when you have that chance, and remember when you are having the bad and the sad that it won't last forever either!

And also remember you are a survivor, and even if something bad happens, you will get thru it. Don't worry about something that may never happen, you will be able to deal with it if it does. Just enjoy what you have right now. You deserve this happiness!

kernel posted 7/2/2013 18:54 PM

Hi Embers, I'm glad the dress fitting went well and that you're feeling a little less anxious. Sometimes just talking out your feelings can help a lot - especially here on SI. I just wanted to reiterate what others have said about enjoying your life in the now and appreciating every little thing every day. When you find yourself angry about the past and scared about the future, just stop and start listing to yourself the things about your life today that are so wonderful. It really helps to shift your focus. I also wanted to say that sometimes you just have to make a leap of faith and trust that things will be fine. You've already done that in so many ways and the actual ceremony is memorializing that.

[This message edited by kernel at 6:54 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

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