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Trying to sleep - a little drunk, maybe

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TrustedHer posted 7/1/2013 00:39 AM

but not successful.

Preface: I'm a really good guy.
I hate change.
I start a new contract tomorrow morning, in Phoenix.

I am in love. I am not yet divorced. Due entirely, I might add, to the court system. I actually had a divorce trial, and it ended in August, 2012. It's not like I'm Mr. Wishy-Washy.

It's just that the wheels of justice grind slowly, and I'm in a sort of limbo because of that.

And because of my history, depression, and situation.

Can I be in love and not headed toward marriage?

That's not my upbringing, nor my history. And yet...

What I have with My Lady is wonderful. Marvellous. Spectacular. Fireworks and comfort, at the same time. She's a goddess. Magnificent.

The biggest problem is the geographical separation, and I'm not sure how to resolve that.

The second problem, however, is the very definition of what our relationship is.

She's divorced; I'm (technically) married. All I can (legally) offer her is myself.

Once the divorce is final, and I am a free man, I could offer more.

But should I? Could I? Would I?

The idea of a 2nd marriage scares the Hell out of me. I used the word "heebie-geebies" tonight conversing with her.

At the same time, I am strictly a one-woman man. She is the 2nd light of my life (after my grand-daughter, and that relationship is quite different).

What does marriage really mean, after the first time? The first time is supposed to be forever. What does that make the second time?

I will admit that I am attempting to make Maker's Mark my sleep aid here, folks. But really once you say "I Love You" and mean it, what is the point of marriage?

Is there a difference between "I love you with all my heart" and "marry me"?

Please define it. Help me out here.

TrustedHer posted 7/1/2013 00:43 AM

apropos of nothing, it appears I need more Maker's Mark.

gma56 posted 7/1/2013 02:01 AM

I start a new contract tomorrow morning, in Phoenix
Very cool and Good Luck ! Too bad it wasn't in Dallas area.

Can I be in love and not headed toward marriage?
Yes but I think you are a little like me and if I love with my heart then I would want the marriage. Yes I believe marriage is more than a piece a paper or business contract as we find out our previous marriages were.

She's divorced; I'm (technically) married. All I can (legally) offer her is myself.

Once the divorce is final, and I am a free man, I could offer more


Is she worth the wait ? She must think you are because she still wants you in her life to love.

The idea of a 2nd marriage scares the Hell out of me. I used the word "heebie-geebies" tonight conversing with her.
It is very scary ! I have two divorces due to infidelity and I think if I finally do find the right person, I would still have to have a marriage. I don't think living together forever would be enough for me.
At the same time, I am strictly a one-woman man. She is the 2nd light of my life
You are a very lucky couple to have found each other.

Is there a difference between "I love you with all my heart" and "marry me"?
You definitely have to have the first before being ready for the second.

"I Love You" and mean it, what is the point of marriage?
I believe in marriage and saying vows to each other in the presence of God. There are too many people that don't take forever seriously as we all know too well.
Think of it this way, if you weren't going through a divorce (in your case, a LONG DIVORCE), you would have never met and fell in love with the 2nd light of your life.
When doors shut, others open and you my friend have been blessed.
We all doubt taking chances in love after divorce but to never love or be afraid to love again would be keeping a door that is ours to open closed forever.
That is sad.
Hugs
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 2:01 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

Kajem posted 7/1/2013 02:20 AM

I hope you finally found sleep. I haven't

I hope things look better in the sunlight of a new day.

K

PS.. gma has some great answers...

sheila0304 posted 7/1/2013 07:55 AM

I ponder the marriage question too.

I'm a romantic and daydream about it all tho the ring, the proposal etc...silly girl.

Marriage to me is still that "all in" until death do us part. I love you with all my heart seems more in the moment so be prepared for a fickle heart to change.

Amazonia posted 7/1/2013 07:56 AM

LDR sucks. LDR without an end point in sight sucks even more.

Does she fulfill what you need today? Do you fulfill what she needs today? Are you moving in the same direction emotionally, even if you aren't physically?

Sad in AZ posted 7/1/2013 08:03 AM

I wish I was still in Phoenix. I'd give you some aspirin and a pat on the back.

I hope the light of day is bringing some clarity. Waiting sucks, but it doesn't go on forever--everything comes to an end, and you two will have a good ending. I can feel it.

lieshurt posted 7/1/2013 08:04 AM

All I can (legally) offer her is myself.

I have a feeling that your SO understands that and accepts that of you. You two love each other. Enjoy it.

better4me posted 7/1/2013 09:06 AM

Is there a difference between "I love you with all my heart" and "marry me"
? To me, commitment is commitment. And as we all have experienced here, "marry me" doesn't necessarily mean commitment. Just as "forever" doesn't really mean "forever".

If "I love you with all my heart" means "I am committed to you", "I will try my best to be the man that you need me to be", that would be enough for me. Until the time that you are able to offer more, let this be enough for now. Doubting, heebie-geebies, and wondering are all part of the journey and it is normal and natural to question.

When pondering the future holds too many questions and anxieties and unknowns and keeps me awake at night, I try to refocus on "right now". And I always find that I am okay in the now. Even not knowing the answers; I am still "okay", even struggling with big questions; even when feeling sadness and fear and anxiety; I am "okay".

You'll figure this out...breathe...be

p.s. How's your head this morning? Tylenol and caffeine helping??

Newlease posted 7/1/2013 10:09 AM

I personally know some much older couples (70s) who live together - and have for years - without a marriage license. They do so for financial reasons. Pensions, survivor benefits, etc.

They are no less in love than those couples who have remarried.

I'm jaded. At 52 and with one marriage that lasted nearly 24 years, I don't see a marriage as a necessary thing. I would be no more committed to my SO if we married than I am right now.

The ONLY reason I would do it is for legal or financial reasons and it would be at the courthouse in front of a judge.

JMHO.

NL

Williesmom posted 7/1/2013 13:29 PM

TH, I hope the new contract is going well.

I discussed this very issue last week with a friend.

I really see no point in a piece of paper that says "you're married - if it doesn't work out, you're gonna lose at least half of the stuff!".

I would be happy just to have a steady person in my life to tell me that they love me. I really don't know if I could even live with someone 24/7.

Did the Divorce ruin me, or am I just a realist?

Either way, LDR's totally suck.

InnerLight posted 7/1/2013 22:10 PM

Part of an official marriage is for community recognition and support.

I would consult w a lawyer bef M now to see how it would affect finances.

Personally I still hold M as a sacred and romantic thing, but mostly right now I am completely ambivalent.

lifestoshort posted 7/1/2013 22:16 PM

aw thats a sweet post! at least I can see people really can fall in love and find someone that makes them more than before. that sparks every being within them... and makes them skip.
i think you have your answer but do you need to be married is only something you can answer. if you feel you cannot give that ultimate commitment to her, then I say its probably cause you are afraid it can all end again and you think she will leave or something of that sort.
the fear in it all is you just never know what will or wont happen. all you can do is leap and keep putting your best self forward so that you and her are happy.

best wishes. it sounds like you both will make it.

OnceInALifetime posted 7/1/2013 22:21 PM

I think marriage goes beyond a long-term relationship. To state those vows in front of witnesses... still would mean a great deal to me.

Don't let our cheating exes take away the meaning of marriage, and the faith in ourselves and in our partners that it involves.

thyme2go posted 7/2/2013 00:02 AM

All I can say about your situation is to get rid of the LD now - else you will pay the price I have. It is devastating.

-t2g

traicionada posted 7/2/2013 21:59 PM

TH,
I'm the least romantic girl in the planet but when you guys are together; you made believe in happily ever after, on answered prayers but most important on what love was meant to look like and I thank you for it. If someone can make it work, it's you two. BTW, when you settle on a date, I'll need some advanced notice to make sure no major system upgrades are in the works because I totally expect to invited to the wedding

HappilyUnMarried posted 7/2/2013 22:25 PM

Hey Trusted,

Limbo sucks.... but you sound like you are in a good place. You have someone you love and who loves you back... that's a biggie. You are building the basis of a relationship that can last because of love, not because of a piece of paper. Okay, yes, I'm a bit jaded having been M and D twice!

My SO is also technically M, but it doesn't matter to me right now. Maybe it will someday. But I am having the best time of my life. I feel more secure in this relationship of "choice" than either of my Ms.

The LDR thing, though, would be tough. M or not, you guys need to figure out what it will take to be together... at least be in the same state! Life is too short to be apart from those you love. I hope you two can make it work... official government documentation or not

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 10:26 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

kernel posted 7/2/2013 22:45 PM

When pondering the future holds too many questions and anxieties and unknowns and keeps me awake at night, I try to refocus on "right now". And I always find that I am okay in the now.

Very wise words from better4me. If your SO isn't pushing for marriage and it doesn't sound like she is, then relax and enjoy what you have NOW.

NaiveAgain posted 7/3/2013 15:20 PM

Life is too short to be apart from those you love.
Yes. The way I always think about it is ....when I am 99 years old, sitting in my rocking chair, thinking about my life...what regrets might I have? And the answer always centers around those I love.

Property, finances, a stupid piece of paper....not important.....as long as you have enough money to live on and a place to live in, what really matters is those you share your space, your life, and your heart with.

As far as the piece of paper....is it important to either of you? My new SO does want to be married at some point. He has never done the marriage thing and it is important to him, so if we last for a while and things remain good between us....I will probably give in on that one because I really don't care. I am okay with having a non-legal ceremony before the stars with our hearts deciding what is real. But the piece of paper is important to him. For some, it is making it "legal." For some, it is the religious meaning behind the ceremony. For some, it is the official public stance before friends and the community. What does marriage mean to you? I guess it also kind of means that you are serious enough to go thru the trouble of hiring someone to officiate, asking people to come together, figuring out a place, time, date.....it is a hassle....and so maybe going thru all that hassle for someone else might seem important to some....

I am in love.
Yeah, and I know it is mutual. So you two will figure this out, together. Because the only ones that can really make this decision is the two of you.

And good luck and congratulations on that new contract!

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