10 years ago today, we got engaged, 14 years ago today we shared our first kiss. July 9th would have been our 8th wedding anniversary and July 14th marks 4 years since DDay....so I am thinking of A stuff a lot.
I am visiting ex-MIL so she can spend time with her grandkids and so we can all attend ex-FIL's memorial service. My exH is also in town for the memorial.
ExH's brother was upset with his brother and thought it would be a good idea to let me know the big secret he had been carrying around all of these years....apparently he was dating this girl and my then new fiancé decided he thought she was hot and that since I was living in another state, it would be rather safe to go ahead and have sex with her.
So they had sex.
she told my ex BIL and he asked his brother (my exH) who admitted it and let him know that she just needed a real man to fuck her and that he must not be one or else she wouldn't have come to him for it.
I never even suspected it.
I remember this time as super happy and full of love.
On our wedding day 2 years later, exBIL said that my ex-H threatened him physically so he wouldn't tell me and stop the wedding.
What the hell?
He also said there was some other guy there who knew and was menacing to him, reminding him to keep the secret (probably an Army buddy but I don't know).
It has been 10 years.
We have 3 kids.
Why tell me now? It's like a new DDay and I'm divorced.
My whole life was a lie for years!
He never did commit to me. I was never in an exclusive, monogamous relationship.
I am so stupid.
Am I that bad in bed?
Am I that worthless?
Am I that unlovable?
[This message edited by JanaGreen at 5:54 AM, July 1st (Monday)]
You were none of those negative things.
If your EX had married someone else - anyone else - instead of you, he would have done the same thing. He will do the same thing in all of his relationships. Even relationships he has that are not romantic, such as with his family members and friends, are not ever going to be real, honest, respectful relationships. He will always cheat, lie, perhaps even steal. My STBX is this way. So no, it wasn't you. It's just the way he is, and he made himself this way before you ever came along.
As for your ex BIL, he sounds like a coward to me. He says he was threatened into silence. I call BS on that. Even if he was, he is admitting that he's so cowardly that he caves at threats. And to tell you now? (Sigh) Sometimes (infidelity related and non-infidelity related) the only way I can excuse people is to remind myself that they are less than normal in the brain department - and that does seem to be genetic sometimes.
Hugs to you.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
As I read your words, it's clear to me that his ridiculous behavior has NOTHING to do with you. Look at how he treated his own brother, as well as his fiancee! This man will clearly do whatever selfish thing that comes to his mind, without regard to anyone else who happens to be affected. He almost seems to be looking for ways to take from others and use the conquest to make himself feel "good" in some backwards form of the word.
Your ex BIL may have been attempting to make you feel like you're not alone, to let you know that your ex hurt and tormented many in his life, bullying those around him into keeping terrible hurtful secrets. He probably also felt like he had betrayed you by keeping the secret. I know the pain comes back with every new discovery, but at least now you can take care of yourself and your kids, knowing you're so much better without him.
Hopefully you can put this in the "why I'm better off without him" pile and use it to feel stronger about the future.
You are a great person. Feel sad and shame for him, but do not allow this to make you feel bad about you.
Keep repeating the mantra,
I am worthy, I am smart, I am strong, I am sexy, I am awesome. Walk with your head held high, and be confident in who you are, and that you will no longer tolerate being treated as a second choice.
Thanks for the hugs and for the insight behind exH’s horrible behavior. He seemed to look for more and more diabolical ways to hurt people, especially those who loved him which is consistent with his combat PTSD but does not excuse it. His brother, me, his friend (he slept with his wife while the H was deployed in Iraq just after he had come back…..told the guy he would look in on the wife and kids for him)….list goes on.
You are right, I am better off without him and wish I didn’t have to deal with him due to the kids.
Thank you for your inspiration and I will use the mantra. Your words are spot on and I will read and re-read until I start believing again. Just got knocked down and am trying to regroup. I love that you all are able to give me amazing IC at my fingertips…..I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. Ex-H was so verbally abusive, it’s easy for me to fall back to feeling unworthy…….he especially belittled the sex. He is my only partner ever so I never had anything to compare with and took it as gospel….even though he wanted it multiple times per day and never had trouble finishing within a minute or two most times, apparently I am undesirable .
I’m sorry you had a similar experience. My ex was in the military and we were geo-separated a lot and trust was paramount for us to succeed. Unfortunately he lacked the honor and integrity so many other service members have. But, yes, you are right, there is no way of knowing what happens when separated and my ex-H was so good he was doing it right in front of my face many times and I never even suspected it. Hugs to you.
Thank you all for all of your kindness. Today is a new day and will be better I am certain.