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luvedmypbear posted 7/1/2013 00:42 AM

Please share your thoughts on this....WS and BS very welcome.

10 years ago today, we got engaged, 14 years ago today we shared our first kiss. July 9th would have been our 8th wedding anniversary and July 14th marks 4 years since I am thinking of A stuff a lot.

I am visiting ex-MIL so she can spend time with her grandkids and so we can all attend ex-FIL's memorial service. My exH is also in town for the memorial.

ExH's brother was upset with his brother and thought it would be a good idea to let me know the big secret he had been carrying around all of these years....apparently he was dating this girl and my then new fiancé decided he thought she was hot and that since I was living in another state, it would be rather safe to go ahead and have sex with her.
So they had sex.
she told my ex BIL and he asked his brother (my exH) who admitted it and let him know that she just needed a real man to fuck her and that he must not be one or else she wouldn't have come to him for it.
I never even suspected it.
I remember this time as super happy and full of love.
On our wedding day 2 years later, exBIL said that my ex-H threatened him physically so he wouldn't tell me and stop the wedding.
What the hell?
He also said there was some other guy there who knew and was menacing to him, reminding him to keep the secret (probably an Army buddy but I don't know).

It has been 10 years.
We have 3 kids.
Why tell me now? It's like a new DDay and I'm divorced.
My whole life was a lie for years!
He never did commit to me. I was never in an exclusive, monogamous relationship.
I am so stupid.
Am I that bad in bed?
Am I that worthless?
Am I that unlovable?

JanaGreen posted 7/1/2013 05:54 AM

You are not stupid, bad in bed, or any other bad thing. Your ex just sucks. He wanted to have wonderful you all to himself, and continue acting single on the sly. All on him. None on you. I am so sorry you have been hurt again. ((hugs))

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 5:54 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

stillhere09 posted 7/1/2013 06:26 AM


You were none of those negative things.

If your EX had married someone else - anyone else - instead of you, he would have done the same thing. He will do the same thing in all of his relationships. Even relationships he has that are not romantic, such as with his family members and friends, are not ever going to be real, honest, respectful relationships. He will always cheat, lie, perhaps even steal. My STBX is this way. So no, it wasn't you. It's just the way he is, and he made himself this way before you ever came along.

As for your ex BIL, he sounds like a coward to me. He says he was threatened into silence. I call BS on that. Even if he was, he is admitting that he's so cowardly that he caves at threats. And to tell you now? (Sigh) Sometimes (infidelity related and non-infidelity related) the only way I can excuse people is to remind myself that they are less than normal in the brain department - and that does seem to be genetic sometimes.

Hugs to you.

featherweight posted 7/1/2013 07:48 AM


As I read your words, it's clear to me that his ridiculous behavior has NOTHING to do with you. Look at how he treated his own brother, as well as his fiancee! This man will clearly do whatever selfish thing that comes to his mind, without regard to anyone else who happens to be affected. He almost seems to be looking for ways to take from others and use the conquest to make himself feel "good" in some backwards form of the word.

Your ex BIL may have been attempting to make you feel like you're not alone, to let you know that your ex hurt and tormented many in his life, bullying those around him into keeping terrible hurtful secrets. He probably also felt like he had betrayed you by keeping the secret. I know the pain comes back with every new discovery, but at least now you can take care of yourself and your kids, knowing you're so much better without him.

Hopefully you can put this in the "why I'm better off without him" pile and use it to feel stronger about the future.

tushnurse posted 7/1/2013 08:36 AM

Stop questioning yourself. His actions aren't because you weren't a good enough wife, lover, mom, or person. His actions reflect that he is a sad broken messed up man.
Remember this. He was lucky to have you for the time he did. He doesn't have a clear understanding of what a healthy relationship is, and obviously was unwilling to do the work to get to a point of understanding.

You are a great person. Feel sad and shame for him, but do not allow this to make you feel bad about you.

Keep repeating the mantra,
I am worthy, I am smart, I am strong, I am sexy, I am awesome. Walk with your head held high, and be confident in who you are, and that you will no longer tolerate being treated as a second choice.

(((and strength)))

cancuncrushed posted 7/1/2013 09:38 AM

Its very obvious. Its him. I have a similiar memory. My H and fraternity brother took a trip together, to go home. We had been dating, and recently decided we would marry soon. There was no ring, but we discussed it. Something happened on that trip. His friend had started to tell me twice, and my H took him outside, and stopped it. He did this after our first child turned 1. It had been 4 yrs past. I still dont know anything. I will never know anything. Heck, My H will not even discuss the possible A or EA. 5 years ago. I know nothing about that either. THere is a pattern. I wish someone would step up and hang his ass. Its hard to know what happens in other states.

luvedmypbear posted 7/1/2013 10:47 AM

Thank you, I know you are right and I feel stupid for even hurting like this. The last thing I should be is surprised. For me, since I am a divorced mother of three, one conceived during a false R attempt, I have looked to the positive for my kids’ sakes. In order to remain on good terms and co-parent without outward hatred expressed in front of the kids, I wanted to hang on to the good in our past and believe they were conceived in love. Now that all feels like a lie too.
It is all on him, I know. You all “get it” here but not everyone does and it hurts. My sister-in-law’s husband suggested to me last winter when I was here holding FIL’s hand while he passed that perhaps I could get my husband back if I was more adventurous in bed. He offered for his wife to clue me in. I thanked him and let him know that would not be necessary. Sigh. I just need to stay away from these people.
 Yes, genetic. I had the same thought. I wonder what his motives are. I think he is looking for revenge on his brother and thinks if he can get me into bed it will make him feel better for what his brother did to him 10 years ago. Maybe that is why he told me…..he also told me a few other things like a guy he met who knew my ex when he was in the Army and told him the nickname for ex was “turn down ___” because he was always partying and hitting on girls and they always turned him down. Well I had moved 2000 miles to live with him there and he told me he was working……and he wasn’t and I didn’t know. Then the kicker……same ex-BIL tells me in high school the neighbor across the street told him she saw my ex and his sister and that it looked like they had an inappropriate relationship…….incest on top of it all. Either ex-BIL has an imagination or there was much more to my-exH’s issues than I ever could have known. Either way, he should have told me …..actually ex-H should have if he had been a real man. At this point, I was better off not knowing as I am already divorced.

Thanks for the hugs and for the insight behind exH’s horrible behavior. He seemed to look for more and more diabolical ways to hurt people, especially those who loved him which is consistent with his combat PTSD but does not excuse it. His brother, me, his friend (he slept with his wife while the H was deployed in Iraq just after he had come back…..told the guy he would look in on the wife and kids for him)….list goes on.
You are right, I am better off without him and wish I didn’t have to deal with him due to the kids.

Thank you for your inspiration and I will use the mantra. Your words are spot on and I will read and re-read until I start believing again. Just got knocked down and am trying to regroup. I love that you all are able to give me amazing IC at my fingertips…..I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. Ex-H was so verbally abusive, it’s easy for me to fall back to feeling unworthy…….he especially belittled the sex. He is my only partner ever so I never had anything to compare with and took it as gospel….even though he wanted it multiple times per day and never had trouble finishing within a minute or two most times, apparently I am undesirable .
I’m sorry you had a similar experience. My ex was in the military and we were geo-separated a lot and trust was paramount for us to succeed. Unfortunately he lacked the honor and integrity so many other service members have. But, yes, you are right, there is no way of knowing what happens when separated and my ex-H was so good he was doing it right in front of my face many times and I never even suspected it. Hugs to you.

Thank you all for all of your kindness. Today is a new day and will be better I am certain.

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