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questions for those afraid of their Xs

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mixedemotions posted 7/1/2013 03:26 AM

A few days ago I was about to post a "things really do get better, hang in there!" post because I've been feeling amazing over the past few months, but instead I'm now posting out of fear and frustration.

A few months ago I emailed X that I forgave him for what he did, not that I wanted him back, just that I was letting go of resentment. I was uncomfortable with how I felt afterwards, uncomfortable with his response, and settled back in to more reflection and work on myself and as of even last night was feeling really terrific. Looking back at that email now I'm surprised at myself and really wish I'd never sent it.

After not hearing from him since then, I got a quick email from X this afternoon, saying that he was visiting his mother in Florida in the town where we met and married and he was sad because he had walked by our old apartment.

That would have been another moment of feeling terrific since I'm not at all interested in seeing him and was actually annoyed but not too thrown off that he emailed me...except that I'm also in Florida temporarily. I'm in a different town, but it's not far away. As far as I know, he doesn't know that I'm here, but if he got curious he could figure it out pretty easily. And it's freaking me out that he would reach out seemingly out of nowhere...say he's in Florida...and that happens to be when I'm in Florida too. It seems too coincidental and I'm very scared.

I'm not taking any chances this time. I put myself in too dangerous of a situation too many times and also jeopardized other people's safety right along with mine, so I'm taking action. I have been living with my parents to save on bills while I finish yet another unpaid clinical internship, but he knows where this house is. I have to stay in town to finish the internship but I'm going to stay with different family members so if he stops by my parents' house I won't be there and maybe he'll give up.

I panicked a little when it really sunk in how bad this could get and called a few DV hotlines for advice. A lady told me to change my email password, which freaked me out more because I realize I never did that after we separated. How could I have been so careless? He could have been reading my emails all this time!

Once again I have to move suddenly, embarrass myself by telling people what's going on, be up all night in fear, and just generally uproot my life all because he is too dangerous to ignore when the alarm bells in my gut go off.

When does this shit end?! And, what do you do about keeping other people safe? The only part of my past that I have not forgiven myself for is how many other people were hurt by my X. He used to break into my old apartment to harass my old roommate, he exposed himself and masturbated in front of a friend who was spending the weekend with us just to punish me, and 2 other friends and I ran out of our apartment barefoot in the middle of the night because he had just attacked me and we were terrified.

I feel like a walking liability to anyone's safety...roommates, family, future partners...if he keeps popping up then don't I need to keep telling people there's a chance he will find me? I just want him to go the fuck away. I have reconciled so much of what I went through and how I acted in the past, I feel like I've done the work and am so ready to move on, why is this still haunting me, when will it stop, and how do I handle future situations? How do you appropriately address the situation without freaking people out unnecessarily?

FaithFool posted 7/1/2013 18:01 PM

Two words if he shows up: restraining order.


Compartmented posted 7/1/2013 19:20 PM

Listen to your gut. Have you read Gavin de Becker's book, "The Gift of Fear"?

Do the best you can to protect yourself and aware, and seek input from domestic violence, and then...try to calm down.

It's dreadful to be living in fear, and it robs you of being able to live fully. So try to be careful, but don't let it consume you.

It's hard, I know! {{{ hugs }}}

Kajem posted 7/1/2013 21:34 PM

Till you get a restraining order your no isn't a no. You need back up in the form of the legal system. Up till now, his only consequences have been people being afraid of him and talking about how crazy he is.

It's working for him, so why should he change. This is about him controlling you. and you are right, him being in florida and sending you an email is to frighten you.. when you act out of fear it feeds his sick sense of control. Before I move, I would visit my local sheriff and inform them about mrmixedemotions and work on getting a restraining order. Chances are you won't be able to but they can add a patrol or 4 to drive by your parents home more frequently. And if you have a picture to show... they can see if he is around, and ask him to leave.

I wouldn't just run and hide.. it hasn't worked to get rid of him in the past... so change it. I bet it empowers you when you do it.

Get the book... and visit the website..

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