A few days ago I was about to post a "things really do get better, hang in there!" post because I've been feeling amazing over the past few months, but instead I'm now posting out of fear and frustration.
A few months ago I emailed X that I forgave him for what he did, not that I wanted him back, just that I was letting go of resentment. I was uncomfortable with how I felt afterwards, uncomfortable with his response, and settled back in to more reflection and work on myself and as of even last night was feeling really terrific. Looking back at that email now I'm surprised at myself and really wish I'd never sent it.
After not hearing from him since then, I got a quick email from X this afternoon, saying that he was visiting his mother in Florida in the town where we met and married and he was sad because he had walked by our old apartment.
That would have been another moment of feeling terrific since I'm not at all interested in seeing him and was actually annoyed but not too thrown off that he emailed me...except that I'm also in Florida temporarily. I'm in a different town, but it's not far away. As far as I know, he doesn't know that I'm here, but if he got curious he could figure it out pretty easily. And it's freaking me out that he would reach out seemingly out of nowhere...say he's in Florida...and that happens to be when I'm in Florida too. It seems too coincidental and I'm very scared.
I'm not taking any chances this time. I put myself in too dangerous of a situation too many times and also jeopardized other people's safety right along with mine, so I'm taking action. I have been living with my parents to save on bills while I finish yet another unpaid clinical internship, but he knows where this house is. I have to stay in town to finish the internship but I'm going to stay with different family members so if he stops by my parents' house I won't be there and maybe he'll give up.
I panicked a little when it really sunk in how bad this could get and called a few DV hotlines for advice. A lady told me to change my email password, which freaked me out more because I realize I never did that after we separated. How could I have been so careless? He could have been reading my emails all this time!
Once again I have to move suddenly, embarrass myself by telling people what's going on, be up all night in fear, and just generally uproot my life all because he is too dangerous to ignore when the alarm bells in my gut go off.
When does this shit end?! And, what do you do about keeping other people safe? The only part of my past that I have not forgiven myself for is how many other people were hurt by my X. He used to break into my old apartment to harass my old roommate, he exposed himself and masturbated in front of a friend who was spending the weekend with us just to punish me, and 2 other friends and I ran out of our apartment barefoot in the middle of the night because he had just attacked me and we were terrified.
I feel like a walking liability to anyone's safety...roommates, family, future partners...if he keeps popping up then don't I need to keep telling people there's a chance he will find me? I just want him to go the fuck away. I have reconciled so much of what I went through and how I acted in the past, I feel like I've done the work and am so ready to move on, why is this still haunting me, when will it stop, and how do I handle future situations? How do you appropriately address the situation without freaking people out unnecessarily?
