God. She has never said this to me before. Why aren't we all together? and questions like that, yes.
But never a statement: "I wish you were together".
We were having our usual chat and cuddles at bedtime. They have been gone an extra day because of a swap - I hadn't seen them since Thursday morning (its Monday night here) - I would normally see them Friday morning.
I responded "I know sweetie, but we are all happier this way" - she said "But I'm not".
It caught me off guard. It broke my heart into a million pieces. I don't think she feels this way all the time. I just hadn't anticipated this this far out.
I told her its OK to feel sad - we all do sometimes. I asked her if there was anything in particular that made her feel this way tonight and she said no then started sobbing quietly "I just do - I do, I just wish you were together".
I told her she and I were together and we would always be together. No matter what. I told her I love her bigger than the moon and her dad does too and that will never change. NEVER.
I told her I'm sorry that her dad and I weren't happy together.
I know its normal but...
How the fuck do I respond to that? She is a wise and gentle 5 year old.
I held and soothed her as she quietly cried in my arms.
I can't believe how ill-prepared I am for this.
I sit here crying for my little girls and for myself. Dripping with regret is an understatement. I am hating him and myself tonight. I ignored my gut - I knew he would do this to his family. I KNEW. It is how he is built. I KNEW I was being used to have children. I KNEW.
Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave. I was such a fucking coward. I didn't want to let anyone down and I've ended up letting my most precious down.
I never wanted this for my girls. I AM happier this way. They ARE happier this way. They have a more present mum than they ever had before. I am full whereas before I was empty.
I know this is a normal part of her adjustment but I hate it that she has anything to fucking adjust to.
I still feel guilt too. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilt for choosing so poorly.
I know this is a dip on this damned rollercoaster and I'm mindful of the date - but I just need to get it out.
My little girl is hurting and it just kills me.
Thank you for listening.