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I wish you were together...

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SBB posted 7/1/2013 06:17 AM

God. She has never said this to me before. Why aren't we all together? and questions like that, yes.

But never a statement: "I wish you were together".

We were having our usual chat and cuddles at bedtime. They have been gone an extra day because of a swap - I hadn't seen them since Thursday morning (its Monday night here) - I would normally see them Friday morning.

I responded "I know sweetie, but we are all happier this way" - she said "But I'm not".

It caught me off guard. It broke my heart into a million pieces. I don't think she feels this way all the time. I just hadn't anticipated this this far out.

I told her its OK to feel sad - we all do sometimes. I asked her if there was anything in particular that made her feel this way tonight and she said no then started sobbing quietly "I just do - I do, I just wish you were together".

I told her she and I were together and we would always be together. No matter what. I told her I love her bigger than the moon and her dad does too and that will never change. NEVER.

I told her I'm sorry that her dad and I weren't happy together.

I know its normal but...

How the fuck do I respond to that? She is a wise and gentle 5 year old.

I held and soothed her as she quietly cried in my arms.

I can't believe how ill-prepared I am for this.

I sit here crying for my little girls and for myself. Dripping with regret is an understatement. I am hating him and myself tonight. I ignored my gut - I knew he would do this to his family. I KNEW. It is how he is built. I KNEW I was being used to have children. I KNEW.

Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave. I was such a fucking coward. I didn't want to let anyone down and I've ended up letting my most precious down.

I never wanted this for my girls. I AM happier this way. They ARE happier this way. They have a more present mum than they ever had before. I am full whereas before I was empty.

I know this is a normal part of her adjustment but I hate it that she has anything to fucking adjust to.

I still feel guilt too. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilt for choosing so poorly.

I know this is a dip on this damned rollercoaster and I'm mindful of the date - but I just need to get it out.

My little girl is hurting and it just kills me.

Thank you for listening.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/1/2013 06:24 AM

(((strong)))

I knew my WH was really sick, beyond anything I could do for him, when he broke the heart of our children, and continues to do it, and doesn't think they hurt.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/1/2013 08:48 AM

Sending you lots of hugs and strength.. My kids say the same, and it breaks my heart.. Just keep validating her feelings and letting her know everything is going to be okay.

If you think about it, it's how a lot of us feel as adults. We wish things would have worked out, that they would have done the work to fix themselves and the marriage.. We wanted our dreams of a happy family and marriage and home life, so it's not surprising she is wishing for that too..

Lots of hugs to you and your sweet little girl.. ((((SBB and DD))))

nowiknow23 posted 7/1/2013 09:50 AM

Oh, honey.

You may think you are ill-prepared, but your answer was absolutely beautiful and simple and reassuring - pitch perfect, in my view.

Sending you both big hugs. (((((SBB & DD)))))

Undefinabl3 posted 7/1/2013 09:57 AM

I have come to realize that as a parent wanting to protect my kids from hurt all the time - learned that there are times when I just won't be able to protect their hearts.

I know it pales in comparison, but the parallel is still there.

My daughter had a blanket that was her world. My mom made this blanket and it was everything to her, she never went anywhere without it.

Well, the babysitter lost it, how i have no idea - but I was powerless. I even went to the sitter's house to find the blanket and we coulnt.

Listening to my daughters crys and sobs over the loss about killed me, it broke my heart and it pissed me off at the same time - that someone could be that inconsiderate and just lose such a beloved thing to my daugther and hurt her that way.

It was a hard lesson to learn - that this will not be the only time that she will be hurt and I can't fix it. I had to learn how to hold back my anger and realize that all i can do is hold her while she crys.

It won't be the last time, but you did wonderfully. Your answers were good and I think you handled it very well.

Hugs to you and your DD

Jennifer99 posted 7/1/2013 10:00 AM

I discussed this very thing in IC today. I foresee it in my 10 yo and I fear it - greatly.

I admitted that I most often think about staying just to keep him happy.

IC asked me if I would undo all my painful experiences in life. I said no. She asked why not. I said because they made me who I am today. She asked if I thought I would be the same without all the pain. I said no way. She asked "So you think through pain you've grown?" I said yes.

Then she asked if I thought I could spare my son all of the pain and just give him the happy ending.

This is what I am processing today.

suckstobeme posted 7/1/2013 10:47 AM

I'm sorry for you and your baby girl. I know how much it hurts to see them hurt. My son still has a hard time with this. When he asks why, i tell him that everyone still loves him, but that dad's feelings for me changed. I tell him that dad wanted to divorce me, not them. I tell him that it will all be okay and that I'm never going anywhere. I tell him all of that in my attempts not to fuck up my kids.

But guess what? Some days it just doesn't matter. Some days they just want their safe little lives back and all the talks and hugs in the world can't bring it back. Some day, it just sucks for them because they can't understand. Hell, most times we don't understand. How can we expect kids to just get it?

With all that said, i want to emphasize that this is not your fault, my friend. I know you know that in your mind. Today, your heart feels something different. But, I will say it over and over - this wasn't your fault.

All of us, on some level, saw the red flags and dismissed them. That doesn't make us bad people or people who were intent on hurting our future families. That makes us loving people who thought that we were playing for the same team as our spouses. That makes us people who recognized flaws, but didnt see evil. We may have been a bit naive, yes, but we didn't make bad choices on purpose. You didn't do that. You loved him, you loved him authentically, and you thought you could love him enough to fix him.

Strong, please don't hang yourself with this rope of guilt. No good will come of it. That needs to be put away. He chose to hurt your baby and destroy your family. That's all on him. Luckily, they have you to help them rebuild, adjust and realize - way too early for our tastes - that sometimes, life is just very unfair and we can't control other people.

I'm sorry you are all hurting today.

SBB posted 7/1/2013 17:14 PM

Thank you all for your solidarity and words of support.

I've said many of the same words to others myself so my head knows it, my heart is just hurting right now.

She's back to being her lovely little imp self this morning. I woke to two little best friends and sisters giggling their heads off making funny voices at each other. The best sound in the world.

STBM, That was a beautiful post - knowing it doesn't make it any less comforting to hear. Thank you.

Thank you all.

tesla posted 7/2/2013 10:59 AM

(((SBB)))
It's not easy when they say those things. But thank goodness she has a parent that she can say that to. A parent that struggles with how to answer her child in a loving and accepting manner. Keep it up, momma bear, those babies are lucky to have you

FieldsOfLavender posted 7/2/2013 20:37 PM

I cried reading your post. My dd is going through an angry stage. It's understandable. I was angry for a year after finding out had a year to get used to the idea of STBX potentially leaving/marriage ending. she's angry with me. She said that I start all the fights. She wrote him a letter saying he was a hermit who does not like to socialize and live with people. DD is 7 yo now, but I think she would say the same thing as your daughter if she had been a few years younger.

Dawn58 posted 7/3/2013 10:42 AM

You handled it beautifully!! Your daughter will be just fine. She has a loving, strong Mom who is there for her and will walk with her along this path.

The guilt is so hard to get over. I feel guilty for me son for the first divorce, although in that case, more the guilt that I did not leave sooner. He saw things in the marriage that I wished he did not.

Second time around, feel guilty that my son was hurt again. That the STBX was his father figure that he never had. I feel guilty that my son was hurt again.

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