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If it hadn't been for the A

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PrincessPeach06 posted 7/1/2013 06:18 AM

My H wouldn't have hit rock bottom - wouldn't have seen everything in his life he was about to lose and decided to change. He wouldn't have seen how he had treated me like crap for 16 years (my fault for letting him) and decided to examine his past issues. He wouldn't be finding ways to spend hours and hours talking to me and doing family things. He said he kept me at arms length and never opened up to me because he was so afraid of being hurt (wtf!?!?!)

And I'm so thankful for those things but still hate part of the man that did this to me. I hate that I don't feel like I have a normal life yet and wonder if I will ever accept this new person or if its my fear of it not sticking that's keeping me back. I almost feel jealous of him - like he confessed his sin, realized how happy and good life could be with his family while I'm left a broken mess by no fault of my own! He does help me through the anger and pain but its so unfair!!!

cantaccept posted 7/1/2013 06:35 AM


I can so relate to what you are saying.

H is so happy now, stopped drinking, liking who he is because now he is being kind to everyone, not taking his anger out on others.

Forgiving himself for his past, too cheaply in my opinion.

There is so much pain to get past.

I like you allowed the mistreatment.

Not sure how to move past it.

I am happy for you that your H is helping with the pain.

I struggle with being open and receptive while simultaneously protecting myself.

No advise just commiseration.

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/1/2013 18:14 PM


crazyblindsided posted 7/1/2013 18:50 PM

Reading this thread has me realizing the same thing. My WH would have never hit his rock bottom either. I kept wondering when it was going to happen. It's actually sad sometimes watching him trying to figure out how he got here, but he wants to live a better life and I see him working towards that.

All of this stuff is still so hard to move past. I am 16 months out from DDay and I still look at WH and just cannot believe how he was able to have all of these A's and then with this last one, it seemed he did everything in his power to keep the A going. I do not know how you can look at the person the same way again. I don't think you ever do. At least for me so far that element has not changed.

Jospehine85 posted 7/1/2013 19:22 PM

I could have written your post Princess. Except for me it was 25+ years

I don't think I fit the stereotype of the abused wife and you probably don't either.

It's not your fault though and it wasn't mine. I think they kept upping the abuse and changing tactics every time they perceived they had failed to control us. The A was just an extreme form of abuse.

My WH actually said he thought that if I did find out about his A it would make me want him more and that I would fight for him. Uh no.

Now he can't even believe he could have thought and acted the way he did. I just wish I could get back even a drop of passion for him.

DoneWithLove posted 7/1/2013 21:01 PM

Im in the same boat. My FWH cheated once for about 2 weeks with 1 woman. That's all it took, more then I wanted but alot less then what I thought it would take to for him to see how important I am to him. I seriously thought it would take one of us going through a life or death situation to break his unacceptable ways. He hasn't missed a beat or slipped up since we started reconciling. Try reading the article about what BSs and WSs should do to have a successful R and the books by Robert Huizenga, "Break free from the affair" and "The first step in surviving infedelity". They helped me alot. Good luck

RidingHealingRd posted 7/1/2013 23:26 PM

I can relate. I know for certain that my WH affair caused him to completely hit rock bottom and as a result I now live with a far better person.

He took his last drink on Dday.
He is no longer a self absorbed, know-it-all.
He no longer makes money his priority.
He is no longer cheap.
He is empathetic.
He has compassion.
He is thoughtful.
He realizes that my *bitching* had value and he should have listened.
He is humble.

The list is endless....

Sadly, I believe all of these changes could have been achieved without the pain of his infidelity (just not sure how). I will always hate that he did that to me and my children.

Kelany posted 7/2/2013 07:22 AM

My FWH hit bottom on DDay#2 when he had to call me while he was driving home to tell me he'd been fired from his job. Over the next 10 days it came out that he'd been fired for sexual harassment and three more AP's came out (I'd only known about one) including a 2+ year LTA.

He was unemployed for 4 months. He had to see first hand, daily, the bomb he set off in our lives. He had to fix what he broke. HE had to file for food stamps (how humbling is that?) for us and our 5 children because his unemployment was denied. He had to feel rejection after many interviews and being denied for a job, of working for my FIL just to bring in some kind of money, of having to borrow from family and friends to pay our bills.

That DDay#2? Him being fired and having his second secret life blow up in his face? Was the best thing that could have ever happened to him. It exposed him. It forced him to seek help for his addiction. It forced him to see what he was doing to our family and to me.

While it was the most traumatizing and painful thing that has ever happened to me, it is the best thing that could have happened to him. If it hadn't, he would have self-destructed even more than he already had.

Jospehine85 posted 7/3/2013 21:44 PM

T/J My WH hit rock bottom with his A.

Could you imagine being the OW and knowing that a relationship with you was another person's rock bottom?

I can not even fathom being a man's tool for self-destruction. What would it say about me that a relationship with me was the worst possible thing ever in his life?????

So that leads me to ask, what kind of person is an AP who is willing to engage with someone spiraling out of control?

shatteredheart7 posted 7/4/2013 09:42 AM

So glad to read all these posts. I have been thinking these same things, but then I felt like I was saying it was ok that he did this to us. What he did is not ok and while it completely destroyed me, it made him a better person. I am a survivor and I too will come through this a better person. And we will be a better couple, we already are.

As for the AP. In our case, she is low life trash with no morals and no self esteem. He even told her that she is the biggest regret in his life. She still struts around town like she is hot shit, which she is anything but.

[This message edited by shatteredheart7 at 9:45 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]

powerthroughpain posted 7/4/2013 14:50 PM

I've thought about this concept, and I've come to the conclusion that it is not the affair that creates the change, but the consequences. As long as way wards don't get caught, there is no change, however, it is blond discovery that change may occur. It is also critically dependent on how those involved respond to the affair. Plenty of people don't change, however, there are a few that learn and change. So no, its not the affair, its getting caught.

powerthroughpain posted 7/4/2013 14:57 PM

I don't know if drug addicts or alcoholics would thank their drug of choice for improving their lives. The drugs prevent them from dealing with their problems, essentially, and affair is a psychological bottom, and until it is stopped, the wayward cannot deal with their inherent problems and flaws in an adults like fashion. My wife took an 8 month hiatus from being an adult. Now she has way more problems to deal with thanks to the affair.

huRtZ413 posted 7/5/2013 08:17 AM

same boat never seen WH cry the way he did and do things so differently the entire time ive known him hell the his mother sees a diff since before ive met him .
he is really open but knows he has to be if we have a fighting chance .

its been a good week for us lots of love and amazing connecting i just hate that he risked his girls for someone he doesnt even know

broken81 posted 7/5/2013 08:47 AM

The A was his rock bottom...he just stayed there for a LONG time.
DDAY is the light that made him see just how Far down he was.
It was HIM that did what was necessary to turn his life around. Noone can do this for him or anyother wayward. They have to want it.
He is the only thing i can credit for all the great changes in my life and marriage. If he had not changed on his own i would be off in the sunset with someone else or atleast on a beach with a drink alone.
It just sucks that we have to be the casualties of their breakthroughs.

painpaingoaway posted 7/5/2013 09:17 AM

I absolutely understand what you are saying princesspeach, but many of us take great exception with the words, "If it hadn't been for the A, or, 'my partners's A saved my marriage', or, 'My H's A is the best thing that ever happened to me', rhetoric.

The truth of the matter is that that it is the FALLOUT of the A, and the unfaithful spouse's fear of losing all that they value most, that creates the positive changes in the marriage.

Kind of like when people have near death experiences, and wake up and realize all they have to be grateful for.

So, remember, the marriage improved not 'because' of the A, but 'in spite' of the A.

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/5/2013 10:06 AM

These responses are so helpful for me. Each day I feel like I am learning and growing stronger with myself. It's slow and some days are better than others but I feel as if my own eyes are opening and I am so thankful to be able to read and post and vent when I need to!

"In spite" of the A, so true! :)

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