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Ups and Downs...Need encouragement

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Betrayed07 posted 7/1/2013 06:39 AM

Yesterday started good - had a long conversation with WH. He's been depressed, angry (with himself), ashamed, etc (I know, multiply that times a million for him to understand how I am feeling!) Wants to quit his job and focus on online businesses he's been trying to get off the ground, but can't for financial reasons. He just wants to be at home and focus on me and the kids. Talked about where we are headed from here. Good conversation.

THEN...took my 6 yr old to a birthday party at one of his school friends house. Some parents came by themselves, but a few couples came together. Anyway, I sat there observing and just thinking of these happy couples who I was like just two weeks ago. Sat there silently spiraling, being jealous that their husbands are faithful, why not mine? Why do I have to be going through this?? Why me???

I know there will be ups and downs, but its hard to function day to day and I feel awful for my kids. I know I need to take them out, do fun things, but I just don't even want to to go out.

I come to SI daily - sometimes find encouragement, but sometimes I find myself becoming even more depressed. Does that happen to any of you? Just needing to vent b/c this is all I have and need some encouragement.

unfound posted 7/1/2013 08:36 AM

the ups and downs are awful . I know it's of little comfort to tell you it's normal after dday.

the guilt of not being the "mommy" after dday is just an added pressure no one needs. take care of yourself, you know the whole put your own oxygen mask on first thing. recognize the accomplishments you achieve...and sometimes just getting out of bed and pouring bowls of cereal for breakfast IS an accomplishment. ask for help when you need it. have your ws step up when you can't. if you have friends or family, ask them for help as well.

try not to perceive and/or compare others marriages to your situation. you never know what's going on in someone elses life... you'd be shocked.

if coming to SI brings you down, then take a break. it happens, and it's okay. we'll be here when you're ready, whether it be in five minutes, 2 days, or 5 weeks from now .

SorrowBhindSmile posted 7/1/2013 10:07 AM

i have been where you are....still am some days even 6 months out from DDay. this is a rough road we travel.

just keep a positive support system in place for yourself. One of the things that helped me was simply forcing myself to go out, even when i didnt want to. i would go out with friends who have kids my age that didnt know about the was a good distraction and sometimes i was able to go for an hour or 2 without thinking about it! Plus seeing my kids happy and playing all carefree brought me joy and lifted my spirits.

I have felt the same feelings as you in regards to watching other people and their perfect, happy lives. but Unfound is right, looks are deceiving...just because someone appears to have the perfect life doesn't mean they do. Focus on you and your life and what you need to do to make it better for you and your kids and your family.

hugs to you.

Betrayed07 posted 7/1/2013 12:13 PM

Thanks for your replies. I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but its hard. You sit there in secret, hiding what you are going through, wondering why its you. How come THEY are so lucky?? Makes me want to just sit in the house and never go out.

I did read something in a post today (don't remember who b/c I've read so many!) that made so much sense if I can just repeat it to myself and live by it. It was along the lines of not dwelling on the past, but living in the present. Not living your life based on what you think the future holds. Just live in the moment. It was worded much more eloquently. Not really giving it justice, but hopefully you get the idea.


kiki1 posted 7/1/2013 12:16 PM

I sometimes feel the same way betrayed. It sucks. We have to try and not think of it that way. Somehow. It will get better for you as time goes on. I'm sorry.
hugs to you

Skan posted 7/1/2013 17:15 PM

Please do remember this, when you're looking at all of those perfect couples.

You probably looked like that too, to another person who was hurting like you are. You really don't know what's going on in their lives. They could be walking the same path as you and just faking/rugsweeping/ignoring like crazy. Things are not always as they seem, which is something that all of us know all too well. (((hugs)))

UKlady posted 7/2/2013 05:16 AM

(((Betrayed07))) - I can so relate to what you're saying!

On the whole (6 months out from D-Day for me) I'm feeling better. WH is in IC and we're both in MC and have learnt so much. He's totally remorseful and I'm looking after myself as well as being looked after by him BUT....

Sat there silently spiraling, being jealous that their husbands are faithful, why not mine?

You know, about this, I've been there! I've done the same. One day I found myself standing in the queue at the petrol station staring at this (and I'm really sorry to sound mean) very plain, middle aged lady serving customers and I thought to myself, 'I want her life'! And I don't know anything about her!! BUT - in my mind I kind of thought to myself, 'I bet her husband is faithful, I bet he has never cheated, ok so maybe they have a humdrum kind of marriage but I'd settle for a boring marriage rather than go through this pain' - weird huh??

Obviously, with my rational hat on (this goes missing quite a bit btw ), how could I possibly know what her life was like. Same for you - who knows what those other couples are really dealing with?

And you said this:

I come to SI daily - sometimes find encouragement, but sometimes I find myself becoming even more depressed. Does that happen to any of you?

and I say 'yes, totally'. I've been pretty much addicted to SI since joining and I have found soooo much comfort here and being able to post to others has helped as well. BUT - another but!! - it can get a bit too much and, for the first time in ages, I've had a couple days off from reading. Our MC counsellor said to us last week that we could perhaps try to 'just live' for a couple of days..... not talk about anything A related and concentrate on the here and now. We have done that and we have done that quite often usually until I spiral downwards and we end up in an awful mess again. But I think that what she was saying does make sense.

It sounds to me like you were in a good place - like your long conversation with your WH - but it just took something relatively ordinary to trigger those bad thoughts again, rekindle the sadness that is so close beneath the surface. It may help you to limit yourself to how much time you spend on SI. Try having a whole day off - it's hard but I think it may be helpful. I know I am feeling the need to post something today - it's what's brought me here again - but the two days off were helpful.

I'm so glad that we can support each other here.

Sending you so much love and good wishes x

blakesteele posted 7/2/2013 05:55 AM


Thanks for posting this.

My situation is similar, but my fWW is not as committed to R as it sounds as if your husband is...the A is over, she is just holding back from really committing...which is kind of where she was at before the A.

I mention this because up until your post I thought her behavior is why I felt like you do. Now I can see that even with a fully engaged fWS this feeling happens within BS.

Never before had I ever looked at other couples and thought like you posted you feel. Now I cant think of anything else. Never before have I looked at other wives....moms....and thought...Geee I bet she is supportive and committed to her husband, her family...and then desire that.

It sure doesn't feel comforting for me to think this way. I am working on this through IC.

None of this is easy.

Thanks for posting.

God be with us all.

Betrayed07 posted 7/2/2013 06:26 AM

Thank you all for reassuring me I am not alone in this.

I'm faced with another dilemma that maybe you all can help me with who are trying to R...

I am trying to tell myself to just live in the moment. When my H is home and we are going about our day and being "normal", I start to think that I "shouldn't". I feel like if I am acting like things are ok (which in my mind they are FAR from!!) that we will fall back into the same rut and not begin our "new" life together. That my H will think everything is ok and that his actions had no consequences.

Maybe I am naive, but I truly don't think he will make this mistake again, but am almost afraid for things to get back to "normal". He says he not sure how to act with me, but his actions are reassuring - hugs are tighter and longer, he is helpful around the house and w/ kids, calls and texts me several times a day. This is so fresh right now and it completely consumes me, but I try to fake it to get through the day. Last night he asked if I still hated him and I said no. I have no feelings still. I am a zombie. I'm not angry. Wish I could be. Just sad,disappointed, and grieving the loss of my old life.

Anyone else conflicted in the way to act around WS?

Ashland13 posted 7/2/2013 12:16 PM

Hi Betrayed,

Yes, I am right there agreeing with you and nodding.

SI makes me sad and the reconciling page makes me jealous, because STBX didn't care enough to stay. We were a family for 20 years and he took off in the middle of the night and so on with many more hurts and hardships to follow.

And yes, I see the world in couples form now and cannot stand it. Couples and romance are a trigger for me lately and I feel like a hermit. The hurt is very complete here and very thick and to do with many things.

I look at neighbors houses on the way "home" and cry at the ones I know are still whole families. I wonder why they carry on and we failed.

Is it the wrong door in the line of fate? Is the cosmos mocking myself and my children?

Does doing the rules and everything right mean that I lose? Do I still teach my kids that?

I'm sorry for your difficult time and hope it will work out the way you want.

I was given A advice last year by the priest who married us and he is from another country and thinks a little differently than a lot of people I know. He told me that affairs take away a marriage's innocence, in that there is no longer very much that's pure, if anything, no longer that innocent belief in the other person and even if reconciliating is possible, how to ever think of the other person the same?

The trust we had was full of innocence and now is lost. It is no longer pure white love, it is questionable, sometimes suspicion, sometimes mistrust even during later times.

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