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Anti-versary and a huge mistake

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Bravenewgirl posted 7/1/2013 07:25 AM

sorry, this is long and rambling...please help me cope.

1st D-Day antiversary is July 4. At 6 pm, OW rang my doorbell and put a letter in my hand describing their 2 year EA/PA. She then flounced off. July - Oct were hell, with him trying to eat cake and covertly seeing her. He eventually told me he was trying to decide if she was the one, or if I was. That statement burns me like hell fire to this day. I eventually told him that if she was in his life, I would not be. He came out of the fog at that point.

He moved out in Oct, but never really stayed away from me. They were NC as of the end of Oct (at least as far as I know) He is officially back in the house as of today.

WH wants to sweep it under the rug and ignore the day. He is only giving me about 60 percent of what I need to heal, hence why I still feel in limbo. He would say we are in R. I am not so sure.

I can feel the emotion / rage / sadness building, and I am afraid I will explode on the day itself and put an end to the marriage.

I am alone in coping due to WHs unwillingness to discuss it. He will listen to me, but he shuts down or gets angry and says he does not want to re-live those terrible feelings. So, he is not really remorseful in the truest sense. I know he still blames my fatness, my lack of sex drive, my overparenting of DS, how I stopped feeding his ego (although he would never say it).

OW still looms large in my life...they work across the street from each other, and she lives 3 blocks away. I have weekly sightings. Almost a year later, I still want her dead.

I still sometimes wish he would just die too. If he died I would not have to cope with unicorn stepmothers, PA behaviour in the D, or missing any of my child's life. I am reconciling with WH because he refuses to die.

so my friends, how to deal? I am terrified that I am letting him move back in. I should feel happy that we are "officially' back together again. Am I making a huge mistake?

I am terrified that I am going to boil over on d-day. I read in the S and D forum all the time and feel envious of those who have cut the cord. But then the fear of going through with the D, being a single parent and loosing time with DS creeps in.

Gah, I am so lost and conflicted.

mike7 posted 7/1/2013 07:40 AM

sounds to me that in your heart, you don't want him any more. If that's the case, it's a mistake to not D. Living together because you're afraid to be alone or because you won't see your DS 100% of the time are the wrong reasons IMO. They will only lead to unhappiness for all three of you.

being single isn't horrible. In many ways it's better than being in a relationship, certainly better than being in a relationship with someone you don't like.

my advice is to only get back together if you sill love him. otherwise you will be dishonest to yourself and to him.

painpaingoaway posted 7/1/2013 07:48 AM


Do NOT let him move back in today. Why on earth would you?

I repeat, STOP the move in. Call him now, and tell him the move-in is cancelled, and you will talk with him later in the week (this will avoid arguments for now).

Sweetie, it is clear he will not meet your needs. You will continue to resent him and remain unhappy. This is not a healthy environment for anyone, especially your children. To R with someone you clearly despise because you don't want to deal with D is a mistake.

EVERYONE is afraid of the difficulties of D, and all that comes with it, but that is not a good enough reason to remain in a marriage where you will not get your needs met and will be miserable and resentful forever.

Get some good IC ASAP, and start working on a plan for yourself.

Make the decision to R or D from a healthy place rather than a fearful place.

TrustGone posted 7/1/2013 08:58 AM

Yes. You are making a huge mistake by letting your unremorseful WH move back in your home. He sounds exactly like my WH#2 except mine would not move out and took it underground for another year. It has been miserable having him here this last year and I don't see it changing. Unfortuntely due to severe health problems (mine) and finances I am stuck for now.

You have a choice. I understand that you don't want to lose time with your son, but you will be wasting your own life if you remain with him. If he hasn't gotten it by now, I don't see him ever getting it and you will be probably be faced with another A in the future. You are basically inviting an abuser back in your home to abuse you some more. I don't mean that in a harsh way, it's just the facts.

It sounds like you have never taken the time to really find yourself and what you want out of life and are just willing to settle for this POS. I know. I did it for over twenty years with WH#1 as I rug sweep his behavior. My kids suffered for it also as I always struggled to keep the marriage together. Eventually it did dawn on me I was wasting my life and my short time on this earth for someone that had no respect for me at all and never had throughout our whole marriage. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I kicked him to the curb, filed for D, and spent 2.5yrs fighting with him in D court. I look at him now and can't believe I ever loved him or was married to him for so long. I regret all the years that I wasted on him. He would give me crumbs and I was willing to fall for it over and over again until I just couldn't do it anymore.

You need to work on your self-esteem to realize that you are worth more than the crumbs he is throwing your way. He does not deserve you. He is a lying, rug sweeping cheater and that is the way you need to view him until his actions show you otherwise. (((HUGS)))

Holly-Isis posted 7/1/2013 09:20 AM

I've lived in limbo for years. MrH was actually at least sometimes discussing the A. It's been a real struggle to heal with his inaction constantly injuring me. He hasn't been very involved in repairing the M. More than after the 1A and that's what fooled me into thinking it was enough. It's not. It took being abused and me taking it to my IC and MC in a joint meeting (without MrH) for MrH to finally face he needed to participate. For that, I had to be ready to walk again.

IMO and IME your WH hasn't earned his way back into the M.

He doesn't want to relive the pain? Excuse my French but so-f*cking-what! Do YOU have a choice about reliving the pain?

You cannot bury this under the rug like he's trying to do or your M will never fully heal. And, again, IMO and IME it puts you at risk of another A. When the WS doesn't fully own their choices and deal with what they created, they are more likely to cheat again.

njgal480 posted 7/1/2013 12:42 PM

My FWH and I were separated for 6 months after d-day and I only let him move back because he had met the demands that I had!
Do not let your WH move back home without a real commitment from him to do the work needed to reconcile.
You cannot simply sweep all of this under the rug and move forward.
He needs to go to IC to figure why he gave himself permission to do this and how he can ensure he never crosses that line again.
And then the two of need to go to MC to try to figure out how you can R.
The reason that you feel like you are in limbo is because you know that you need more from him.
another thing...once he moves back home he will be even less motivated to do the work.
he will assume that all is forgiven and forgotten.

nowiknow23 posted 7/1/2013 12:53 PM

((((BNG)))) If he's allowed back home while only giving you part of what you need? You will never get the rest of it. You know this, honey.

You sound so very unlike yourself - weary? worn down? I'm worried about you. Sending you strength and courage.

gonnabe2016 posted 7/1/2013 13:56 PM

^^^What NIK said....

eta: I let Sultan move back home even though I KNEW that he was still *that* guy. It was a really, really bad decision that ended horribly. It was awful for me and it was doubly awful for the kids. Did I mention that it was awful?

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 2:00 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 7/1/2013 14:13 PM

Gently, based on what you wrote I don't think you can reconcile. What you're describing is you choking down a shit sandwich each & every day for the rest of your life. That's not reconciliation, that's spiritual death. That's rug-sweeping. It's dishonest.

It's also your choice. ((((HUGS)))

karmahappens posted 7/1/2013 17:14 PM


I remember your first posts.
They made my heart break.

Maybe you have already answered this yourself.

WH wants to sweep it under the rug and ignore the day. He is only giving me about 60 percent of what I need to heal, hence why I still feel in limbo. He would say we are in R. I am not so sure.

I am alone in coping

he shuts down or gets angry

he is not really remorseful in the truest sense

I am reconciling with WH because he refuses to die

Yeah, you don't need us to answer this question.

The questions you should be asking are

Why am I afraid to do this alone?

Why do I not realize I am worth more?

When you have found those answers let me know, I will give you back your bitch boots.

C'mon almost had it, don't let your freedom and happiness slip away from you.


[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:16 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

cayc posted 7/1/2013 17:38 PM

D is really hard. Being alone is scary. Co-parenting with an POS ex can be a ridiculous rollercoaster ride. But let me tell you, after you get through the suckage that D is, life can get really really good again. It is a fact. You put one foot in front of the other, get through the pain, take care of yourself and life WILL get good again.

That gaurantee is not available to you if you let an unremorseful WH come home. Sure, he could pull his head out of his ass. But maybe he won't.

You want the gaurantee of healing, feeling good, enjoying your life? Get the D.

I know I'm being blunt here. But really. Your reasons for staying are only going to hurt you. And it doesn't sound like you have any care/love for your WH left. And why would you? Telling you he's trying to decide who's the one? Fuck him fuck him fuck him. That was cruel beyond measure to say to you.


solus sto posted 7/1/2013 18:21 PM

((((BNG))))) Rethink. Really---- rethink

Trust me. I know the allure of easier. I lived it for over a dozen years. Only, it's not. It's much, much harder and comes at huge personal cost.

If he moves back in now, you will never get what you need from him. You will effectively rubber-stamp his half-assedness and, yes, spend your life---until you can no longer stand it or one of you dies-- choking down the shit sandwich.

S/D is hard.

But not nearly as hard as living with a remorseless WS unwilling to do the necessary hard work.

Cohabiting is not sustainable, and unless he has a earthshattering epiphany---when you are still able and willing to accept it andwork with him (has the time for this passed?)-- the end, when it inevitably comes, will be far, far worse than it is now. I know that is hard to imagine, but trust me, it will shatter you and your kids more than staying on the detaching/healing path toward which you've been working.

Millions of hugs to you.

Bravenewgirl posted 7/1/2013 19:04 PM

I did it. Called off the move in. I am dying inside.

painpaingoaway posted 7/1/2013 19:13 PM

A thousand hugs sweetie! You are AWESOME and very very brave.

I know you are hurting. We are here.

painpaingoaway posted 7/1/2013 19:15 PM


karmahappens posted 7/1/2013 19:20 PM


It will be ok. If R is where you are supposed to land it will be there for you. Just not today BNG.

Today you choose you, you choose to wait and see what the future will bring for you, and that means there is hope.

There is always hope. For a brighter, better future R or D.

It's just not the right time.

He needs to do some heavy work and you need to keep loving you until it comes naturally.

(((hugs))) you are so strong.

nowiknow23 posted 7/1/2013 19:20 PM

Keep breathing, honey. Just keep breathing and let us hold you up tonight. (((((BNG)))))

Holly-Isis posted 7/1/2013 21:03 PM


If he's the man you deserve, your family deserves, he will move heaven and earth to earn his place back into the home.

If not, in the long run this is the easier course of action. Because you just can't truly R with only one person in the M while the other still follows his selfish ways, even if he's not cheating.

MerryMeNot posted 7/1/2013 23:49 PM

Good call, BNG. I joined SI last year and your story really stood out to me. I love your fire and your wit, and it truly pains me that you are miserable.

I'm sure you've gotten this advice before, but I find it so helpful for myself so I'll say it again. Imagine your beloved sister or friend. Her husband cheats on her for years with a vile twatch who sniffs his genitals for evidence, who lies to her, whose wishy washy about R, who digs for ear cheese, etc. You'd tell her to make like a leaf, wouldn't you? Because NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. Not someone who's a saint, not someone fat, not someone with the perfect figure, not someone who overmothers, NO ONE.

You are BraveNewGirl. You ARE. And he is SameOldShit. You don't want him or need him.

Nature_Girl posted 7/2/2013 00:06 AM

Oh Honey! ((((HUGS x a million)))))

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