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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Dealing with meanness
anewhaven
♀ 34246
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to figure out how to deal with my husband's verbal meanness. This meanness is a facet of his character, and nothing to do with his cheating.

I have detached from him and the marriage, and would be reasonably happy with my children, my friends, and my life, if ONLY I could figure out how to grow thick skinned enough that his snide or sarcastic remarks do not bother me.

I try telling myself it doesn't matter - that he's not worth it - that I should just pretend he's a spoilt child - but the remarks still effect me.

Does anyone have any mind tricks they use to tune out meanness so that it really doesn't bother them? (I need mind tricks - if I call him out on the meanness it would poke the dragon and you really, really don't want to do that.)


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
Jennifer99
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I declared the cease-fire after WH's EA last year I faced this same question. I just wasn't willing to put up with it while I detached/ considered R/ faced the truth and I knew discussing it would only make him meaner.

I figured if I was going to go, go big, so I recorded him for an entire day, how he talked to me and our son.

Wooooo buddy, talk about PISSED OFF. I would NOT recommend that. But at that point I figured WTF


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
huRtZ413
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WH is ill tempered too!

i kind of act like him (he hates it with a passion), the " a lion does not lose sleep over the thoughts of sheep " type thing.


it hurts at first yes but i just nod and say ok and stop talking or smile and pretty much say ok got it ill handle this issue myself thanks for your help

then he will start to say oh now your trying to be cold this isnt gonna work if there are two of me ! i need you to be you!!! blah blah ......eventually i really did stop putting so much concern into it and now i see why he did it , its truly easy.

but thats if you want a reaction that will drive him up the wall and show him a peek of what he does to you.


as far as dealing i have just known that keeping calm and saying i get your mad but i dont like the way your attacks make me feel and they are not helpful when you can speak to me like an adult im more than glad to listen . he will roll his eyes but i works most times


[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 9:32 AM, July 1st (Monday)]



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
stunnedin12
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blank look and walk away.

It still hurts, but I will not let my wh know.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jan 2013
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH#2 is usually pleasant to be around, so I don't usually have a lot of this to deal with. When he does however start in about something, I just walk away and basically ignore him. If he follows I just tell him when he wants to talk to me like an adult, I will listen. That usually shuts him up and later he apoligizes. I am sure that doesn't work for all of them, but I will not stand for someone to hollar at me. That is abuse and I refuse to be abused. I spent 20+ yrs with XWH#1 who was a pretty nasty at times. I refuse to do that again.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
anewhaven
♀ 34246
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I generally do is brush it off and pretend it doesn't bother me. I don't want him to know that he is pushing my buttons.

I just wish it really DIDN'T bother me.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would lay $ that my ws could make Charles Manson cry like a little girl. He can be brutal. It's takingany years to.find the diffuser button.on.him..
The main problem.is he can dish it but can't take it. This is why he goes in for the verbal kill if you.engage in a stand off with him. He gets his widdle feelers hurt and gets nastier.
One.of my.favorite ways to.stop him from attack mode.is the blank stare. You can't argue with someone who won't argue back. This usually sends him stomping off.muttering.to.himself while he retreats to the bedroom after his "teenage girl move" of slamming the door behind him.

My 2nd one.is...my "I'm sorry you feel that way" as.I continue with whatever
I'm doing at the.moment.

My 3rd is...sounds like your upset, tell me what your feeling at this moment.
this one really sends him fleeing because he is scared too death of exposing his feelings.

When I'm in a bad mood, a stern shut the fuck up or get the fuck out can sometimes work.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm confused why you think you need to tolerate emotional & verbal abuse?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10032 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I'm in a bad mood, a stern shut the fuck up or get the fuck out can sometimes work.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
anewhaven
♀ 34246
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm confused why you think you need to tolerate emotional & verbal abuse?

I grew up with a NPD mother, who took my confidence and my spine. My husband seemed like a walk in the park by comparison. It's only now, when I know about his infidelity and other skeletons that it seems so unfair and bothers me so much.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then I hope you get some truly wonderful & healing counseling so you will know that you do not and SHOULD NOT have to "deal" with anyone being mean to you. You do not deserve meanness, most especially from your husband. You should not tolerate it, you should not accept it or try to perform some kind of Jedi mind trick on yourself to deaden yourself to the pain.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10032 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fear no one thus I would (and have) looked a person square in the face and said, "Go fuck yourself....asshole"

But that's me, I wouldn't take that shit for one minute....ever.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Nov 2011
stillhere09
♀ 24924
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He needs to respect you.

You need to have enough self-respect to demand respect from him.

Tell him that you will no longer tolerate such childish behavior and disrespect, and that he needs counseling. If you refuse to engage with him in any way, shape or form until he gets counseling, perhaps he will comply, and perhaps you will make your point. No doing his laundry, cooking for him, etc. until he deals with this problem of his. Let him know you will not tolerate it.

Couples counseling would do your M a lot of good, with the counselor being aware from the start that there is a respect issue as well as infidelity.

I also like the idea of recording him and making him listen to it.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
cissie
♀ 17637
Member # 17637
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to get sucked in to justify myself all the time. Now I try to remember just to walk away.

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2008
anewhaven
♀ 34246
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are helpful comments for me. Sometimes you just need to hear it from another person.

Thank you, all.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fear no one thus I would (and have) looked a person square in the face and said, "Go fuck yourself....asshole"

But that's me, I wouldn't take that shit for one minute....ever.

*raises hand* this is me too. I learned that from my Daddy


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

youtube his arse!! That will teach him. Let the world see how he is. Amazing if you threaten that how they will change.

I also had my FWS put on Prosac and increase it when needed. NOONE should put up with meanness!

There is no excuse for this type of behavior. It will change when you decide you will take no more. Stand firm and tell them you deserve to be treated better!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3198 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 17

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