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Dealing with meanness

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anewhaven posted 7/1/2013 08:57 AM

I am trying to figure out how to deal with my husband's verbal meanness. This meanness is a facet of his character, and nothing to do with his cheating.

I have detached from him and the marriage, and would be reasonably happy with my children, my friends, and my life, if ONLY I could figure out how to grow thick skinned enough that his snide or sarcastic remarks do not bother me.

I try telling myself it doesn't matter - that he's not worth it - that I should just pretend he's a spoilt child - but the remarks still effect me.

Does anyone have any mind tricks they use to tune out meanness so that it really doesn't bother them? (I need mind tricks - if I call him out on the meanness it would poke the dragon and you really, really don't want to do that.)

Jennifer99 posted 7/1/2013 09:29 AM

When I declared the cease-fire after WH's EA last year I faced this same question. I just wasn't willing to put up with it while I detached/ considered R/ faced the truth and I knew discussing it would only make him meaner.

I figured if I was going to go, go big, so I recorded him for an entire day, how he talked to me and our son.

Wooooo buddy, talk about PISSED OFF. I would NOT recommend that. But at that point I figured WTF

huRtZ413 posted 7/1/2013 09:31 AM

my WH is ill tempered too!

i kind of act like him (he hates it with a passion), the " a lion does not lose sleep over the thoughts of sheep " type thing.

it hurts at first yes but i just nod and say ok and stop talking or smile and pretty much say ok got it ill handle this issue myself thanks for your help

then he will start to say oh now your trying to be cold this isnt gonna work if there are two of me ! i need you to be you!!! blah blah ......eventually i really did stop putting so much concern into it and now i see why he did it , its truly easy.

but thats if you want a reaction that will drive him up the wall and show him a peek of what he does to you.

as far as dealing i have just known that keeping calm and saying i get your mad but i dont like the way your attacks make me feel and they are not helpful when you can speak to me like an adult im more than glad to listen . he will roll his eyes but i works most times

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 9:32 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

stunnedin12 posted 7/1/2013 09:43 AM

Blank look and walk away.

It still hurts, but I will not let my wh know.

TrustGone posted 7/1/2013 13:19 PM

My WH#2 is usually pleasant to be around, so I don't usually have a lot of this to deal with. When he does however start in about something, I just walk away and basically ignore him. If he follows I just tell him when he wants to talk to me like an adult, I will listen. That usually shuts him up and later he apoligizes. I am sure that doesn't work for all of them, but I will not stand for someone to hollar at me. That is abuse and I refuse to be abused. I spent 20+ yrs with XWH#1 who was a pretty nasty at times. I refuse to do that again.

anewhaven posted 7/1/2013 17:23 PM

What I generally do is brush it off and pretend it doesn't bother me. I don't want him to know that he is pushing my buttons.

I just wish it really DIDN'T bother me.

Ostrich80 posted 7/1/2013 17:41 PM

I would lay $ that my ws could make Charles Manson cry like a little girl. He can be brutal. It's takingany years to.find the diffuser button.on.him..
The main he can dish it but can't take it. This is why he goes in for the verbal kill if you.engage in a stand off with him. He gets his widdle feelers hurt and gets nastier.
One.of my.favorite ways to.stop him from attack the blank stare. You can't argue with someone who won't argue back. This usually sends him stomping while he retreats to the bedroom after his "teenage girl move" of slamming the door behind him.

My 2nd "I'm sorry you feel that way" as.I continue with whatever
I'm doing at the.moment.

My 3rd is...sounds like your upset, tell me what your feeling at this moment.
this one really sends him fleeing because he is scared too death of exposing his feelings.

When I'm in a bad mood, a stern shut the fuck up or get the fuck out can sometimes work.

Nature_Girl posted 7/1/2013 17:59 PM

I'm confused why you think you need to tolerate emotional & verbal abuse?

crazyblindsided posted 7/1/2013 18:37 PM

When I'm in a bad mood, a stern shut the fuck up or get the fuck out can sometimes work.

anewhaven posted 7/1/2013 20:46 PM

I'm confused why you think you need to tolerate emotional & verbal abuse?

I grew up with a NPD mother, who took my confidence and my spine. My husband seemed like a walk in the park by comparison. It's only now, when I know about his infidelity and other skeletons that it seems so unfair and bothers me so much.

Nature_Girl posted 7/2/2013 00:02 AM

Then I hope you get some truly wonderful & healing counseling so you will know that you do not and SHOULD NOT have to "deal" with anyone being mean to you. You do not deserve meanness, most especially from your husband. You should not tolerate it, you should not accept it or try to perform some kind of Jedi mind trick on yourself to deaden yourself to the pain.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/2/2013 00:06 AM

I fear no one thus I would (and have) looked a person square in the face and said, "Go fuck yourself....asshole"

But that's me, I wouldn't take that shit for one minute....ever.

stillhere09 posted 7/2/2013 07:32 AM

He needs to respect you.

You need to have enough self-respect to demand respect from him.

Tell him that you will no longer tolerate such childish behavior and disrespect, and that he needs counseling. If you refuse to engage with him in any way, shape or form until he gets counseling, perhaps he will comply, and perhaps you will make your point. No doing his laundry, cooking for him, etc. until he deals with this problem of his. Let him know you will not tolerate it.

Couples counseling would do your M a lot of good, with the counselor being aware from the start that there is a respect issue as well as infidelity.

I also like the idea of recording him and making him listen to it.

cissie posted 7/2/2013 07:44 AM

I used to get sucked in to justify myself all the time. Now I try to remember just to walk away.

anewhaven posted 7/2/2013 13:51 PM

These are helpful comments for me. Sometimes you just need to hear it from another person.

Thank you, all.

crazyblindsided posted 7/2/2013 14:07 PM

I fear no one thus I would (and have) looked a person square in the face and said, "Go fuck yourself....asshole"

But that's me, I wouldn't take that shit for one minute....ever.

*raises hand* this is me too. I learned that from my Daddy

heartache101 posted 7/2/2013 14:11 PM

youtube his arse!! That will teach him. Let the world see how he is. Amazing if you threaten that how they will change.

I also had my FWS put on Prosac and increase it when needed. NOONE should put up with meanness!

There is no excuse for this type of behavior. It will change when you decide you will take no more. Stand firm and tell them you deserve to be treated better!

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