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Losing my mind

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confused777 posted 7/1/2013 10:19 AM

I have now had 3 counselors say they can't meet with me. I have no one to talk too and even when I post on here, I hardly get comments.

It's now up to a dozen hook ups that he is admitting too. He has not called a counselor, says he wants to be with me but I don't see ant attempts to change.

He spent yesterday in a funk because he had to stay with our son in the mall while I went shopping. Then tells me he wishes I would have left him. He later apologized.

Why did he marry me? Why did he have a child with me? Why does he want to stay married if he wants that kind of sex life? Why do I want to stay married to him? Because I can tell you that if some one told me that their husband had 12 Internet hookups off a swinging website, I would have thought they have issues if they stayed.

MovingUpward posted 7/1/2013 11:55 AM

OK first off, did the counselors say that they couldn't meet with you at all or couldn't meet with you in the timeframe that you need.

You have lots of questions about your H. I am not sure that the ones about his intentions and actions can even be address by him at this point. He seems lost.

Now there is no need to rush off yet and get of the marriage because you might feel others think that you have issues. You do have issues and that is the dealing with a cheating spouse. There is no right or wrong that others can rightly judge you by. Some will be open and helpful and others will just assume what they want and pronounce judgements. As tough as it might be you need to focus on you, then your son, then your marriage, and last of all the others.

My guess is that your husband is in the fog. He is trying to talk his way through things instead of taking actions to make things better. Unfortunately that puts you as the gatekeeper. You can accept the words or you can require active changes. You might not be strong enough to standup to him right now and if so then work on getting your strength. Use the 180 that is talked about in healing library (BSFAQ question 11) to remove yourself for emotional hurt to get some strength. There is no timeframe for you to meet. You need to go forward at the pace that you are comfortable with.


(((hugs)))

2married2quit posted 7/1/2013 12:26 PM

Breath... I know what you feel. Anxiety, craziness..etc. It's going to take time. Hang on to your faith, friends, relatives, family.

I don't know how far off you are in your healing, but it seems that things were pretty recent. Take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest, eat well, excercize. I know how you feel. I feel like I'm loosing my mind as well.

huRtZ413 posted 7/1/2013 12:40 PM

your not losing your mind its horrible news !

hope you get into a counselor soon

im sad for you i know how bad it can be that you love someone you cant let go of your scared its the wrong choice cause what if he changes type thing .

confused777 posted 7/1/2013 13:12 PM

Thank you. 2 couldn't see me cause of time. 1 couldn't help me cause of his behavior. 12 hookups in 13 years. He claims it wasn't sex, I feel like he should just tell me the truth, how much worse can it get.

The worst part, I found a swing profile and mapquest direction to people's homes in 2005. I knew and chose not to know. WTF was I thinking

MovingUpward posted 7/1/2013 13:14 PM

Your eyes are open now, so don't beat yourself up about the past. Proceed from here.

confused777 posted 7/1/2013 14:11 PM

The part that really gets my goat is that he turned us into a cliche. I really thought he was better than this

tushnurse posted 7/1/2013 14:56 PM

(((confused)))
You are all over the map here. It's understandable, but really not productive. You need to find a therapist just for you. Focus on YOU. Then work toward MC. He is saying the blah blah blah that he knows he's supposed to, but there is no action to back it up. What to believe then? It's hard.

You need to sit down, and figure out what you need from him to make this work, or if you even want to make it work.
Then you simply lay down your demands and consequences. For some it's a dealbreaker, and there's no shame in that either.

Be kind to you. He is lost, you are devastated. It takes time.

((((and strength))))

selkiescot posted 7/1/2013 15:18 PM

One thing that might help us help you is if you could do a bio. Then we are not trying to help without any information. it might help you as well.
((((((confused777))))
Chances are you are just getting the tip of the iceberg. Somewhere underneath you will find the truth. it takes time to find the right counselor. i went through four before I got one I really felt comfortable with. Meanwhile you can talk to us or maybe your pastor if you have one. Your WH is very foggy. Please call your doctor and get SDT tested and no unprotected sex with him. Start looking for a lawyer and get tested..please.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 3:30 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

confused777 posted 7/1/2013 15:37 PM

Profile updated

selkiescot posted 7/2/2013 18:45 PM

just wondering how you are doing?

Lionne posted 7/2/2013 21:46 PM

I knew and chose not to know. WTF was I thinking

PLEASE don't beat yourself up over this. So many of us do the same thing. We see signs, we catch them in some compromising situation, they tell us fairytales, we buy it.

We do it because we are loyal, faithful spouses. Because we WANT to believe them, because we choose to think that we are in a marriage with someone who loves us in the way we deserve. And we fail to look for further proof because we don't choose to harm ourselves with further trauma.

But you know now. And you can heal from this. With time, and help. He needs to step up and take responsibility. None of this crap about resenting taking care of his own kid!

Hang in there. And we are here for you.

Jospehine85 posted 7/2/2013 22:02 PM

The worst part, I found a swing profile and mapquest direction to people's homes in 2005. I knew and chose not to know. WTF was I thinking

Since you would never consider hooking up with random strangers, you were thinking it had to have a reasonable explanation.

You very reasonably assumed he had the thought patterns of a normal person like you. He doesn't.

He is not normal. You can't even begin to fathom how his mind operates because your mind works in a completely different way.

Many of us have done the same thing to varying degrees confused777 and we all go through phases of beating ourselves up. We shouldn't. We were simply being normal, trusting spouses. It's not our shame to bear. It is the shame of our WS.

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