Hi Brkn,
I know he had an affair. He knows he had an A. Although we both didn’t realise that until we went to the MC. We went to see her a week after I found out. She let us talk, but we had already done lots of that. I think she thought she couldn’t do any more with us and after about 6 or 8 sessions let us go, although she tried to get us to go on holiday APPART!
She reckoned that my husband needed to find some things to do by himself and suggested a walking holiday for him, and for me, to concentrate on my business that I had recently started up! She said that as I was busy with starting up my business, I neglected my husband and that he felt he needed to turn to chat rooms, which then led to the other!!!! Oh and something else she also said too … we had spoken about my miscarriage, and my husband always felt that maybe I miscarried because the baby had the same condition as him, so kind of blamed himself. She said that in most cases of miscarriage, it’s the woman’s fault because it’s her body rejecting the child! Great, I felt wonderful after that!!! Why we kept going back god only knows!!!! Even my husband said she was crap and that it wasn’t my fault.
My husband had always been very supportive of my business (which I run from home) and still is. My husband has never once said any of this was my fault, has never said, well u was busy and I felt neglected etc. He is totally ashamed of his actions, and knows it was his entire fault that our marriage isn’t going to be the same as it was. I do grieve for my marriage. I grieve for the man I thought I married. I look back at pictures and memories we had taken during this A, and I feel sick, because we both look so happy, but I know we weren’t (if that makes sense) ive told him how I feel about looking back over the past 10 mths and he denies that he was unhappy with me … but he must have been to do what he did.
There are days when I don’t think about the A, but on the days I do, I end up looking for her on the internet, driving myself crazy. On days when I am completely glued to the internet looking for her, I don’t get nothing done at home, and sit on my lap top most of the day! Ive been into the chat room and given out her name and her user name so people would know what she is doing, most of them came back and thanked me for the heads up, they would look out for her when they want a bit of fun … I’ve probably given her lots of new fans! That’s the type of chat room it was! When I come across this site. I couldn’t believe the amount of people on here, the amount of people this happens to, and the amount of people who actually do this sort of thing (cyber affairs etc)
The day I found out that he was chatting in these rooms my world fell apart. I had teased him about the length of time he would spend online, but never in my wildest dreams did I think he was doing what he was doing. I used to go to bed before him and leave him downstairs, surfing!! I actually loved going to bed by myself, I could read in peace, fall asleep in peace … I guess looking back I don’t suppose I did help my marriage and we got into a rut (I’m not taking any of the blame, I know this is his fault, he chose to go into a chat room, he chose to have cybersex with this woman time and time again) But I thought my marriage was happy. He showed no signs of having an A. He was his usual loving self to me, to our family etc. But the fact that as soon as he got a chance, he logged on!! Duh! How thick was I !!!
Anyway, the day I found out, I happened to get out from the bath and came down the stairs and into the living room where his laptop was open, and on the screen was the chat room, and also a yahoo chat box! I knew straight away what was going on and he didn’t deny it. There was no point, I could see he was talking to a woman, so I took the lap top from him, and spoke to her. I told her who I was and what was going on with her and my husband. She never replied, went off line and when I tried to contact her again, her email address was non-existent. She had deleted it. I’ve tried (many times) emailing the address via different accounts in case she had just blocked my husband’s yahoo account, but she has deleted the whole thing. I KNOW she didn’t know he was married, but I believe it wouldn’t have mattered to her. I cant believe how stupid she was to strip naked in front of a computer screen to (what she thought) was a 24 yr old single guy (she was 46 and married!!). She had no proof who he was, no webcam of him, all he showed her once was a picture of himself (face) and that was it!! I cant believe this woman was so bloody stupid!!! He could have been anyone! Hell he was anyone. He was a 24 yr old single guy with no ties …. Only he wasn’t in real life. In real life he was my 44 yr old loving husband – the sad b*****d who thought he could get away with watching her touch herself for fun!!
As for his electronic devices … ermmm - he has no lap top anymore. When I found out what he had done, I threw it at him! Not just once, but until it was in pieces on the floor! I also slapped his face at least 6 times. I threw a cup of tea at him, I punched and kicked him!! Im not proud of it before anyone tells me I have issues, but it made me feel a whole lot better at the time! Now when I look back, I cant believe the jealous rage I had and never believed I could such a thing. I also took our framed pictures off the wall and smashed them into pieces. I told the MC this and she said, I don’t blame you, get it out of your system! Let’s all be honest, she was shite at her job lol!
I have a lap top, but it is password protected, and he never goes on it, if he needs anything, he will ask me to look for him. His phone is a work phone; he doesn’t have a private one. I see his bank statements, his pay slips etc. That’s not because I’m looking for things, but because we have a joint account and his payslips are kept in his drawer beside the bed. Talking about beds, I even asked him where she used to strip for him, in her bedroom, in the living room etc … sometimes the conversation started in the living room, patio/decking and she would lift her lap top and walk into her bedroom, place the lap top down and strip!!! Then turn the laptop out of his view to get dressed again! Then make an excuse that she always had things to do, and log off!!
And again, this is how stupid this has affected me, the night I found out, I had read a conversation they were having, and my husband had told her he was having garlic mushrooms for dinner (which was the truth lol) with salmon. Now every time I cook mushrooms, I can’t – just CANT bring myself to put garlic in them, because it reminds me of HER!!!!! How stupid and sad is that??? I love garlic mushrooms, but so did she, so I now hate them, they make my stomach turn. I feel so childish even typing that!!!!
Anyhow, I don’t know how many of you picked up on my first post about looking into adoption, but 3 mths after the A, we adopted a little boy and his little sister. We had waited for this for three years and I thought long and hard about it before deciding to go ahead with the placement. My husband is a different man! He adores the children, and he adores me. He doesn’t spoil me with flowers, or gifts, I think I would suspect if he did … he adores me by the way he is with me. I know he loves me, and I know he will be eternally sorry and remorseful for what he has done. Yes I still grieve for a marriage I have lost, but I still have the man I love who is doing everything in his power to help me gain his trust again, to show me how much I mean to him. Our sex life has completely taken off since the A. we have been more open with each other about his condition, Im not saying that everything is perfect and it’s a garden of roses, I wouldn’t be here if it was … I have good days, and I have bad days, I’m just hoping that the good days outweigh the bad ones!
My marriage will work, I know that … I just need to vent now and again, and there is no one else I can turn to (I did tell my best friend, but all she tells me now is he is a good man, he made a mistake yeah yeah … she doenst get it, she’s not walked in my shoes – most people here have and im grateful to have found this site, only wish I had looked 6 mths ago!)
Thanks for reading x