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Paranoia overload!

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BrokenDaisy posted 7/1/2013 13:05 PM

So far my NPD stbxwh has gone along with an amicable divorce. I keep thinking he is going to hit me with something from left field. The agreement is very fair and in his favour financially. Where I was strict was with our son because I want to protect him. Stbxwh also knows it's the one remaining thing he can destroy me with.

As per the agreement I'll get full guardianship and primary residence, he'll have supervised visitation. No overnight visits. He just cannot look after our son alone. I don't trust him. His therapist agrees he is not a good influence. I am not out for revenge. I do want our son to have the opportunity to know his dad but I want him exposed to the few good things in stbxwh. Not the many scary and bad things.

Just to give you an idea. He drove drunk with one of his OW toddler girl on OW's lap (no car seat) to her apartment where he and another guy had a threesome with OW while her son was on the bed.... Just one example of what he is capable of. He cannot be left alone with our son.

I am petrified he has something up his sleeve, planning some type of blindside. I know I'm going off my rocker but I just cannot lose my son or have him get overnights or shared guardianship. As I've said so far he's been going along easily and amicably but that in itself worries me. Is it too easy?

The stress and exhaustion is catching up on me. I can't take this much longer! There's been many delays with the settlement agreement due to technicalities and some due to stupid lawyers (changed lawyers 2 months ago) but the new lawyer still made silly mistakes like getting dates and names wrong on the summons. I need this to be done so I know my son is safely with me.

Talk some sense into me. Calm me down please. I just don't trust this man, not with the only important thing left in my life. Is this normal? Did anyone else feel like this? Is my gut trying to warn me? Or am I just being super paranoid?

ButterflyGirl posted 7/1/2013 13:29 PM

I hope paranoia is normal, cause I have it all the time. I'm actually more paranoid when things are quiet or he acts polite since I'm wondering what's up his sleeve..

Just do your best honey. Document, document, keep records, call the police or friends or whoever if you aren't feeling safe. And try to have some fun with your little guy in the meantime and trust yourself that you are doing your best and you will be able to handle whatever comes if it does..

Oh, and what a sick fuck to do that IN FRONT OF A CHILD. Thank GOD he only has supervised visitation.

dmari posted 7/1/2013 13:42 PM

Good for you for protecting your son and I totally understand your paranoia! It seems as if you have covered everything that needs to be done in order to keep your son protected. Awesome. The waiting game is a killer though.

I don't know how old your son is but my son was trained by his therapist what to do in case he doesn't feel safe with stbx (of course, she didn't put it those words when presenting it to DS).

If your stbx does try anything, then you will need to insist on a Custody Evaluator.

Although I didn't want to live in fear, this is my new normal. I am not living in fear but I am mindful of what is happening at all times. I do not let my guard down. Trust your gut. Paranoia can be used to motivate you to protect your son which you have done but don't let it overtake your life. You don't want your son to take on those emotions ~ it's too much for children.

BrokenDaisy posted 7/1/2013 14:31 PM

Thank you!

I don't think he will molest our son but who knows. So far no sexually inappropriate actions towards children and his therapist doesn't think it's a threat. However I don't leave them alone anyway (oh his excuse for the son on the bed? First he was drunk so didn't know any better and second the child was sleeping so he didn't see anything so no harm done and 3rd OW said it was okay because he's just a year old... His messed up way of thinking. He now says he is ashamed of his behaviour but I don't know if he is truly capable of realizing the extend of his actions. Oh this is the same OW who he believed was such an awesome mother....)

His influence is not good for our son. Narcissistic parents aren't good parents. He uses our son for ego stroking/narcissistic supply and other than that I believe he doesn't care or not in the way "normal" people do. He uses our son to feel good about himself and to look like a good man and father so he doesn't have to face his past actions. It's all about what he can get out of the relationship, not about giving.

I don't know yet if the courts will approve our settlement (me full legal rights, him supervised visits) Hence my fears! Nothing is set in stone. We haven't gone the give evidence route because so far it's gone amicably. He admitted to adultery (which the summons states) and is agreeing to my custody suggestion. It is not approved or final yet. I'm hoping it will all go through. We're seeing the lawyers a final time this week and then the papers are finally off to court. Don't know how much our judicial system differs from the United States so if this doesn't make sense. Sorry.

I keep wondering if he is keeping me calm or is he really okay with the agreement and looking forward to being free of us? (which is also very likely.) or is he planning something? He can still counter sue or something. Paranoid!

I don't know. I'm just so scared and anxious. Some days (today!!) more than others.

Dmari he's still very little. Can't even talk yet and therapist said se can't really work with children so young (I took him as a precaution because of all the changes happening in his life)

And yes I am ashamed of actually believing my stbxwh was changing and truly remourseful and ashamed and regretful of his actions. He is a master manipulator and liar. He has much less power over me but I'm still scared of him catching me off guard with something. He is very convincing and I do have a soft spot because I have known him almost my whole life (the whole your heart doesn't want to believe what your brain knows thing but my heart has caught up. He never was who I thought he was) so who knows if he's just stringing me along making me think the divorce is going amicably while planning stuff in the background. (Told ya: paranoid) The sad thing is he has lied so many times I wouldn't even believe it if he has truly turned around. He is still in IC so who knows? But my future is not with him.

And what can I document? At this stage he's being the "model" man and being very careful but still playing victim and as if he is perfect. Documenting things he says/do will just be a my word against his type of thing? With NPD's it's not always easy to get something substantial and he is very charming so people tend to think i'm the bitter revengeful wife. I also avoid him as much as I can so not much opportunity to document his behaviour. I have no will to police him anymore either, emails/phone or whatever. Crazy making stuff. I'm crazy enough.

Edited to try and make more sense. I realize I'm all over the place as usual when I'm venting on here

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 2:36 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

roughroadahead posted 7/1/2013 22:28 PM

How old is your son?

If he is preschool age (say over 2.5), he can absolutely have therapy with a specialized therapist. They have play therapy, art therapy, and various other approaches for young kids. It can be really helpful even though it doesn't "look" like therapy to an adult.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 10:29 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

BrokenDaisy posted 7/2/2013 00:29 AM

He's 15 months old (I was pregnant on dday) I did take him to a child psychologist and she said she can't do anything for him yet but gave me some tips on how to handle things.

BrokenDaisy posted 7/2/2013 00:31 AM

After a good night's sleep I am feeling less paranoid again. I just panicked last night.

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