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I'm calling this progress

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knightsbff posted 7/1/2013 13:12 PM

Saturday night we had our first argument since d-day. Of course he's been mad at me plenty since then but I haven't been able to get mad at him until Saturday night. He got mad about something I couldn't have anticipated (not A related) and I saw it as unfair. I thought, "is he always right no matter what because of what I've done?" And the answer I gave myself was "nope". So I got mad too.

It scared me. I got that withdrawing alone feeling like I used to get before and during the A and it really scared me. So he cooled off and apologized, I apologized. Then I did something revolutionary, I talked to him about it. We talked about what we were feeling. I told him about the fear. And we feel closer because of it.

We're going to be ok. He was actually singing around the house the other day. It made me tear up. He used to sing all the time early in our relationship but hasn't for a very long time. It's so good to hear him sing even if it's hard rock music and he gets the lyrics wrong.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 10:16 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Jrazz posted 7/1/2013 13:37 PM

LOVE it, knightsbff.

I have to say, I feel that Crazz and I have the most progress when we handle an argument productively.

Seems like an odd litmus test, but whatever works, right?

Good for you for talking about it. I hope that the good feeling you're left with encourages you to talk more things out.

Aubrie posted 7/1/2013 13:43 PM

I remember experiencing this. Due to FOO and other lovely people in my life I was groomed to say, "Yes, you're right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry." and back away from the argument. Part of my healing has been to realize that I am not the permanent whipping boy, finding my voice, and standing up for myself.

Then I did something revolutionary, I talked to him about it. We talked about what we were feeling. I told him about the fear
Great step.

It's so good to here him sing even if it's hard rock music and he gets the lyrics wrong.
Love this.

knightsbff posted 7/1/2013 14:05 PM

I was groomed to say, "Yes, you're right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry." and back away from the argument.
Oh my goodness YES! I think it may be partially a regional thing...G.R.I.T.S. I say sir and ma'am. I'm a little in awe and jealous of friends from up North who have no problem speaking their mind. I'm always waiting for the lightning to strike though.

wincings_sparkle posted 7/1/2013 20:45 PM

Huge! Hold on to this moment, remember this progress.

Remember that talking after the mads passed and try to do that before the mads start.

Practice, practice, practice. That sounds weird, talk about stuff, all sorts of stuff. Pick a topic a day and talk about it. It helps a ton!

Wal and I listen to NPR and talk about the topics that come up. It was awkward at first. The more that we did it, the easier it became and now, we would really miss it if we didn't debate or agree and just chat about stuff.

aesir posted 7/2/2013 04:22 AM

I read somewhere that what makes a good marriage is not the absence of fights, but the way that people conduct them. Sounds like you got the revolutionary idea right.

It's so good to here him sing even if it's hard rock music and he gets the lyrics wrong.

Gotta love those classics, like
There's A Bathroom On The Right -by CCR
Slow Walking Walter, The Fire Engine Guy -by Deep Purple
Baking Carrot Biscuits -by BTO


ETA: It was so commonly mentioned that in concert on occasion Hendrix really would sing "'Scuse me while I kiss this guy."

[This message edited by aesir at 4:24 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

knightsbff posted 7/2/2013 13:48 PM


He says to him the lyrics aren't wrong.

Darkness Falls posted 7/2/2013 17:42 PM

I like seeing progress. I'm glad you were able to find your voice and that it was OK.

cinnamongurl posted 7/2/2013 19:37 PM

Slight t/j
There's also "big head Jed left a light on" Steve Miller Band.

So glad to hear you're able to express yourself KBFF and not hold it in... and then be able to discuss it together... progress indeed!!!

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