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shockingspring posted 7/1/2013 13:21 PM

I can't believe I find myself here, but I do. I moved on from my cheating husband, and really took some time to heal and work on me. Just being here reminds me of the hell I went through.

What finds me here again is the utter disgust I have for a friend of mine who is involved with a MM. She is involved with a married man, and even though she says she knows it is wrong, won't exit the situation. I know there has been one DDay, but my guess is that he TT'ed his way out of the situation and they are still actively communicating. I want to stay out of the situation, but wish that somehow I could let the wife know that he is still seeing her. I have no solid proof, just the word of my friend. I k ow they text each other all day (which to me is so typical of every affair out there) and they see each other occasionally.

I am torn... I have the contact information for the wife, she is a friend of a friend type situation, but I really want to stay out of it.


nowiknow23 posted 7/1/2013 13:26 PM

((((shockingspring)))) I'm so sorry you are in this situation due to the actions of a "friend."

You were in that wife's shoes before, right? What would you have wanted someone to do if they had information?

Jrazz posted 7/1/2013 13:29 PM

Been there. Lost a "good friend", but after everything I'd been through I have a new outlook and and new MO when it comes to these things

I told the wife, and I'm glad I did. She actually told me that my friend was not the only person that her H was cheating with. I was so sad for her.

So even though it didn't have the outcome I assumed it would, I know that if I had never told her the guilt would eat me alive.

It's hard and scary, but at the end of the day don't we ant to live our lives doing what we know is right? We can find all sorts of reasons not to ("None of my business" "I don't want to lose my friend") but it's like watching someone steal from someone's purse and just turning our heads in a way. We'd say something then, wouldn't we?

I fully support you reaching out to the BW, and telling her that you are giving her the information you wish someone had given you.


[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:30 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

shockingspring posted 7/1/2013 14:23 PM

I have been there and I know that I would want to know. I don't feel that I have enough information to give the wife at this point. I just know that if she knew to dig a little deeper she would uncover a lot.

When I was going through my situation, I had to have proof. I was not ready to believe that my x would really do that. It wasn't until someone showed me hard prof that could be undisputed that I move forward.

I don't know a lot of details, just what my friend tells me and she is in that euphoric affair love.... Yah right, love

Wy does life have to be so cruel? I don't want blood on my hands for exposing the continued communication, but don't want the guilt of bringing forth second had information.

[This message edited by shockingspring at 2:24 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

Jrazz posted 7/1/2013 14:25 PM

Why would there be blood on your hands, ss? You're driving the ambulance.

I totally get the proof thing. The denial is REALLY strong for a lot of people in the beginning.

Just steel yourself with calm compassion, and know that you are not hurting anyone, you are bringing truth and freedom.

shockingspring posted 7/1/2013 16:26 PM

I guess the reason I feel bad about it is that I do not know the woman. Maybe she knows and doesn't care, I don't know their story.

I just am having a difficult time with this. I don't know if I would have believed a stranger

Ostrich80 posted 7/1/2013 17:03 PM

My friend got involved with a MM even after being with me during. this whole A bullshit. She called my ws, the ow, selfish pieces of shit but then she did.the same thing. I begged and scolded but much like we already know, each cheater thinks their sich is special. She dove right in and I was so upset with her. I did kinda know the bs. I went back and forth with myself about telling her. I didn't and I sometimes wish I had. Our parents are long time friends and I was afraid it would cause problems. I know, coward way out. His bs found out anyway as did hers. Huge mess that she cries to me about how her bs doesn't trust her anymore..geez annoying

Take2 posted 7/1/2013 17:14 PM

If you know she has had one Dday, could you maybe contact her (even anonymously) and simply write: Watch his phone/texts they are still at it.

No you don't have proof, and maybe she will indulge herself in denial - but that part isn't on you. If he talked his way out of it once then likely twice isn't going to fly as easily...? At least she'd have an opportunity to investigate...

Jospehine85 posted 7/1/2013 19:16 PM

Tell. I did it anonymously in a similar situation.

Odd outcome. The BW I informed was gaslighted by her WH, but apparently the OW blamed her OTHER AP for the letter, thus outing that A to the OAP's BW.

shockingspring posted 7/1/2013 20:18 PM

Thank you all for your input. I know that telling her is the right thing to do. I just really don't want it to be known that I am the whistle blower. I finally am at a good place again and don't really want to find myself in affair drama again.

This may be best for the investigative forum, but is there a better way that will secure my anonymity. I have a cell number, that is all

Jospehine85 posted 7/3/2013 21:46 PM

Call the cell phone from a blocked land line number.

Or go buy a $10 prepay phone from Walmart and call from that.

Brokenheart777 posted 7/3/2013 23:14 PM

I had friends who where greatly effected by seeing me crumble mentally and emotionaly in the face of WGFs A. They realized how ugly these things really are when they come to light and a few changed the way they treated their SO. If I had a close friend doing something like that, I don't think I'd have the balls to tell the BS, but I would certainly voice my distain for their actions and cut off communication with them.

SBB posted 7/4/2013 06:37 AM

I had several people try to warn me in a roundabout gentle way.

The service station guy who asked if my husband was smoking different cigarettes (um no) - he asked me in a really weird way that I now recognise was his discomfort at not knowing if he should tell me outright.

The restaurant waitress who saw us every week asking me if my M was OK in a very weird conversation when I walked past one day. I now also recognise the discomfort she felt.

Colleagues telling me they saw my husband out and about with various women - again, didn't go so far as to tell me it looked inappropriate. Just that they saw him.

"Oh - OK. Yes, he must have had a work lunch on."

I gaslighted myself so good I didn't even remember these near misses until well after S.

I feel pretty bloody stupid now. I wish to god someone, anyone had been more direct with me. I may still have gaslighted myself but surely I would have paid more attention??

Even my old boss - a WS himself telling me that what I described in passing conversation was also just like his M during his affairs.

No - MY husband wouldn't do that. He knows he would lose me on the spot. He KNOWS this is a dealbreaker for me. Nope. Not my husband.

I would want to know. Even if I did gaslight myself I'd still want to know. Knowing that so many saw what I refused to acknowledge makes me sad and mad.

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