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I Broke NC with the OM

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anonymous823 posted 7/1/2013 15:46 PM

On Saturday I was really upset about the A and with my F. He didn't do anything to bother me, I was just playing over what a fool he made me look like by putting me in a situation where I had to look desperate and call the OW for answers. I was so angry despite the work he's done in R for the past two months ( dday was 4/2013).

I sent my revenge affair partner a blank text. He immediately called me and I didn't answer. Then I sent him a text that said "thought about you." He hasn't said anything since. I know I'm wrong. I just wish sometimes that my F could feel how I did when I was in the dark about his A.

We have therapy this week and my F has pulled out all the stops for my upcoming birthday but I am slipping because I want him to feel what I felt. I know it's wrong but it's like his affair has made me feel he doesn't deserve my fidelity. I know I wasn't a perfect mate before his EA and I own that but I didn't stray. Now I am caught up. Opinions welcome.

Aubrie posted 7/1/2013 16:12 PM

Did you tell your fiancé that you broke NC? He needs to know.

I want him to feel what I felt.
Never gonna happen. Why? Because different people can handle different things. And here's something for you to think about...When do you decide when you've handed him enough betrayal and he now feels your pain?

Let me tell you a little story. A man came to SI ranting and raving over his wife's very short EA. As he posted and she joined the site, more of their story came out. Come to find out, he'd had several PA when they were engaged and early in the marriage! But he was "so hurt" and "betrayed" and "short-changed", he retaliated against her short EA by having a handful of random ONS.

At what point is even, even? If you and your fiancé just keep throwing hurt around, ain't nothing gonna heal.

it's like his affair has made me feel he doesn't deserve my fidelity.
If you really feel this way, you need to leave the relationship. Because as long as you hold this thought, you will breed resentment and hate.

but I didn't stray.
Yes you did. Maybe he did it first, but you are both cheaters and liars. You are both at Ground Zero. Comparisons will get you nowhere.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:13 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

cdnmommy posted 7/1/2013 17:18 PM

I know it''s wrong but it''s like his affair has made me feel he doesn''t deserve my fidelity. I know I wasn''t a perfect mate before his EA and I own that but I didn''t stray.
Sorry, but you get no brownie points for being the second one to cheat in your R.

You have every right to end the relationship over his infidelity. But what you are doing is throwing gasoline on an already volatile situation.

Now that you have broken NC, and assuming I am remembering your story correctly, I suggest you write a NC letter to OM, explaining to him that you have been in a relationship the whole time, and go firm NC.

Edited several times due to an uncooperative tablet.

[This message edited by cdnmommy at 7:18 PM, July 1st, 2013 (Monday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/1/2013 17:37 PM

Confused as to how you can mention a "revenge AP" in one sentence, and claim not to have strayed in the next.

My opinion: don't get married. Separate, both of you get counseling, and if you still want each other in...IDK, 3-6 months, then congrats you're MFEO! If not, you both dodged a bullet and can move on as healthy individuals. With other loving, healthy partners.

Unagie posted 7/1/2013 17:46 PM

We have therapy this week and my F has pulled out all the stops for my upcoming birthday but I am slipping because I want him to feel what I felt. I know it's wrong but it's like his affair has made me feel he doesn't deserve my fidelity. I know I wasn't a perfect mate before his EA and I own that but I didn't stray. Now I am caught up. Opinions welcome.

How many times do you read the word but in this paragraph. This is something like pot calling kettle for me because I've been guilty of it and it's something I'm actively working on. Its justifications. Each time you say the word but is another way for you to not take full responsibility.

Have you taken a look at the madhatters thread in ICR? Maybe reading some of the raw pain there will make you realize there is no even. My SO convinced me to have a threesome up until the point that we met up with another woman. I couldn't go through with it but he continued friendships with 2 of the women we'd been in contact with, having an EA with one and taking her out to dinner while we were not living together. We were not separated, we were still a couple but not living together. Do you think my pain wasn't palpable? I still have bad nightmares, I still don't have all the details and never will. He still treats me indifferently. He still treats me like less than. No transparency, I know nothing of his life. Want to know why? Because I cheated and he's still hurting from it. Plenty here have told me I should leave. Everything in me at times screams for me to leave, tells me I will be punished for my actions for the rest of our lives and that he will never feel he is liable for any of his actions due to mine. It is a terrible place to be, don't do it to your H. Take responsibility, own your shit and do the work same as he is.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/2/2013 09:56 AM

No stop sign..
I agree with what you are being told.

Here's my story..

When I first met my wh, we were in our late teens. He cheated off and on with a girl. I was so hurt and pissed and figured we were not going to have a future, I went and had a ONS.. We broke up for a few days. I ended up telling on myself because of the digust and guilt I felt. I promised myself that I would never to that to myself again. And I never did. I learned my lesson for me... Now here is the kicker... 20 yrs later I am still blamed for all his cheating through out the years. Yup, never looks at himself.
You can't go on revenage or anger because in all honesty you are only hurting yourself more and more. I am not sure why you felt you needed to contact your xom? That is not helping anything but bringing more drama to yourself, your F and relationship.

I am also going to be completely honest here...
I would not get married. There is to much baggage right now from both of you. And trust me because we never resolved issuse in our relationship (not just his cheating a ton or my ons other than fighting about it) our marriage never had a leg to stand on. I really thought that because we were doing so great the 5 years before we got married that we were good to go... NOPE we were only married 2 yrs and he started his 3.5 yrs A. And guess what it was blamed on? All our fighting and my ONS all those years ago. (we were together 13 yrs before married)

If I knew then what I have learned now, I would have walked away. But, I thought love can get us through. Not so. I thought all that crap was left when we were taking our vows. Not so.

Please work on yourself and take your time with the marriage, if you two are meant to be it will happen. And you both will be healthier and can look at issuse and stresses way differently.

anonymous823 posted 7/2/2013 20:51 PM

I appreciate everyone's comments and I realize that by blaming and trying to get revenge I'm not making anything better; I guess I'm just stuck right now.

This morning the OM texted me and said he missed me. I didn't reply. Ultimately I will have to admit that I was in a relationship the whole time and that I sought him out after learning my F was cheating.

My F has done a lot of work and I feel terrible in therapy when he begs me to work with him. I want to but I am afraid that I will get hurt again and when I tell my IC that she says that possibility would exist whether he had an affair or not. I see how my fear looks hypocritical because I cheated too. My F and I are long distance until fall and I think I am struggling because the OW is local to him and I fear relapse. I understand that talking to the OM will not fix that.

Unagie posted 7/2/2013 21:18 PM

Your still deflecting your actions and the reasons behind them onto your F. There are healthy coping skills and unhealthy ones and you're embracing the unhealthy ones. Go NC with your AP and for goodness sakes let him know he was your AP and that your in a relationship. Then go NC. Tell your F that you contacted OM, does he know you cheated I can't remember if you told him. Then work on yourself and figure out you.

[This message edited by Unagie at 9:19 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

anonymous823 posted 7/2/2013 21:33 PM

@Unagie, my F knows about the AP. You're right, I am embracing unhealthy coping skills. Interesting that everyone says I'm deflecting on my F because he says that too. I think he's right since total strangers are saying the same thing and I'm saying things on SI exactly how I say them to my F. I need to really work on that.

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