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Crescita posted 7/1/2013 16:01 PM

SO and I have been together going on 2 years. The topic of marriage has come up a few times in the past; I always had a deer in headlights response, but never completely shut the idea down. As it happens the idea is no longer so terrifying. We frequently mention future children, but marriage doesnít typically work its way into conversation.

Not really sure if I should bring it up to see if he is still open or if he has a timeline, or if I should just let things unfold as they may. In the past I didnít understand not discussing it (how could you not know how your partner feels about marrying you?!?), but then WXH and I discussed it so much the waiting became a point of contention (why arenít we engaged already?). Iíd really like to be surprised, but Iíd also feel foolish to just keep waiting and waiting if itís no longer on the table or is many more years down the road.

I know this isnít a one size fits all, but ladies and gents, what approach makes you comfortable?

Darkness Falls posted 7/1/2013 16:07 PM

XH and I discussed remarriage a few months into our reconciliation (we've been reconciling for 15 months). We decided that it was something we both wanted to work toward, with a rough timeline for it to occur (within ~2 years) and the understanding that it wouldn't be something we would rush into.

I stopped mentioning it, for the most part, after that. I figure he'll ask me if and when he's ready; I'm not going to push it. I'm not in a hurry at the moment; the "major construction" parts of the rebuilding are pretty much done but we are still tweaking.

If, however, he decides that remarriage to me is something he no longer wants in his future, I would hope that he would tell me so in due course.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 4:07 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

torn2bits posted 7/1/2013 17:37 PM

I think if marriage is what you want then you should make your feelings known. You are 2 years in, if you believe, let's say after 3 years if your not married is dealbreaker, then I think its best to know how he feels.

Its obviously something your thinking about, so an honest conversation would put your mind at ease.

inconnu posted 7/1/2013 18:20 PM

I've been with my SO for 3 1/2 years. The topic of marriage comes up from time to time. In fact, I brought up weddings last night, but only in a hypothetical, I'm curious what he thought way. Not in the this is where I want our relationship to be and I'm planning our wedding in my head way.

Right now we're good with not being married. We may get married in the future, or we may not.

Crescita posted 7/1/2013 18:25 PM

Well this little fish got the wheels turning.

Gem Tang = $3700. He said she costs as much as an engagement ring, so I asked if he had been looking. He quickly shot that down.

I'm not in any rush just yet, but maybe a comment to let him know I am less gun shy wouldn't be out of line.

damncutekitty posted 7/1/2013 19:58 PM

My SO and I got an apartment together recently. We have been dating about a year and a half. There has been the occasional daydreaming about what our wedding would be like, but we have never seriously discussed marriage. I tell people we're not in a hurry to settle down, but really I don't think he wants to marry me. I am indifferent on the topic of marriage. I'd consider it, if it was important to SO to be married but I don't care if I ever walk down an aisle again.

damncutekitty posted 7/1/2013 20:01 PM

I was honestly shocked how many people have been asking when SO and I are getting married now that we live together. Like it's some sort of given that moving in together means marriage is imminent.

jennie160 posted 7/2/2013 10:29 AM

I would have a general discussion just so you know you are both on the same page but not get into too many specifics to the point where you have the whole wedding planned out before you even have a ring. Just get a good idea on a timeline that works for both of you.

SO and I had a discussion kind of like this about 6 months ago. SO is more of a present day kind of person and doesn't think to far into the future. But I am more a planner/future thinker and like having a good idea of how the next 5 years will play out. By sitting down and discussing it we were able to figure out a timeline that worked for both of us and he was relieved when he realized that I was in no rush.

He quickly shot that down.

I bet that stung. SO and I just went to a wedding a few weeks ago where all the guys were telling him he was going to be the next out of his group to get married. He quickly made sure to tell them that he was not. And even though "I am in no rush" it still kind of hurt. Stupid girl hormones.

I was honestly shocked how many people have been asking when SO and I are getting married now that we live together.

Since SO and I started telling people that I am planning to move to his town once I find a job we have been getting a lot more of those comments. Just because we are taking one step toward a more committed relationship doesn't mean we need to take them all at once. Can't we just enjoy the moment without feeling pressured.

Amazonia posted 7/2/2013 10:31 AM

He quickly made sure to tell them that he was not. And even though "I am in no rush" it still kind of hurt.

"I'm not planning to get married" and "we're not planning to get married" (with "soon" attached to either) are very different things. That might be part of the reason it stung.

jennie160 posted 7/2/2013 10:57 AM

"I'm not planning to get married" and "we're not planning to get married" (with "soon" attached to either) are very different things.

Due to the context of the conversation it was more of a "I'm not going to be the next to get married because it's so far off in the distance that someone else will before then". Which is true, there is at least one other couple (they have been dating since high school, have a house together and recently when through a miscarriage) who will probably get married in the near future.

I have found that my brain and my reproductive hormones don't quite align on the topic of marriage and kids. Even though I know in my head that I am not ready for marriage and kids, I find that I still get flustered by it at times.

Amazonia posted 7/2/2013 11:06 AM

Still "I" instead of "we" though - like it's a decision he made, rather than one you've made together.

jennie160 posted 7/2/2013 11:16 AM

Still "I" instead of "we" though - like it's a decision he made, rather than one you've made together.

I didn't even notice that!! You should be my IC. I think this instance may have just been a miss-communication on his part. But I will definitely be keeping an ear out for this "I" talk in the future.

Spirit13 posted 7/2/2013 11:45 AM

We've been dating 2 years too and have discussed it as well. Honestly, I kind of wish we hadn't because in a way I think it has created more problems. In my case, we would be looking at another 2-3 years before marriage anyway so other than confirming that it really could be in the picture and we are exclusive, etc. We probably shouldn't have talked. Because we both had come from long prior marriages, it kind of created this weird pseudo vibe of "kinda sorta married but not really... but you need to include me AS IF we were married if it is something that would affect "us" during the time we MIGHT be married." (As posted in another thread)

We aren't married! But, once you talk about it and agree that's what you want? The game changes. It just does. So, I don't think it is wise unless you are pretty close to engagement or you are setting yourself up for what could be some crossed wires.

Crescita posted 7/2/2013 11:48 AM

I bet that stung.

Actually I wouldn't expect him to confirm if he had been looking so it didn't sting so much. I don't want to read into it, because even if he was looking that doesn't mean anything, but it does seem a bit odd to me that a guy would think $3700=ring. It would be like me saying $1300 would buy a nice gun when I don't know the first thing about them.

Maybe it is just moving in together that has me thinking about it. I debate bringing it up, but then we just moved in together and I want to acclimate to that first, who knows how long that will be.

Crescita posted 7/2/2013 11:50 AM

Thanks Spirit! That is kind of what I was worried about that I did with WXH. After you talk about it so much, it does become a bit like you are pre-engaged, and things just get kind of confused.

Spirit13 posted 7/2/2013 12:53 PM

Yup Cres! So when he decides to buy a house, I get all worked up if it isn't in a school district that works for my daughter.

It puts you in a weird place on the major life decisions. Do you make them together? Alone? How much consultation are you supposed to do with the other one? What if the degree of consultation you think are you supposed to do is different than what the other person thinks?

Trouble in river city.....

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