Its been 2 years since D-day and I still feel like its too much of an easy out for WW if I just accept and move on. Its like, "I murdered your best friend, but I'm really sorry." then I'm supposed to just move on. I know holding on to the hate isn't good for either of us, but I don't know how to move on. I want to know I can trust her again. Its like I feel she owes me something but I don't know what it is. Right now I just feel so full of hate and I want her to hurt as much as I have. I know I'm doing it all wrong, but I don't know how to make it right in my head.
WW is trying very hard and from everything I've read here and elsewhere she is doing the right things for us. But I'm a very detailed person so I want every detail and every reason. I've read somewhere to not try and make sense of an A. But I want a better reason then just the "It just snowballed and happened so quickly". I'm not satisfied and don't feel today that I will ever feel right about us again.
Sorry that you find yourself here.
I think sometimes we BSs really get stuck on the WHY. I think that some WS's just don't have much insight into themselves to even be able to think about that. I too was really stuck on the WHY.
I think that in time I realized that the reason was not as important as the understanding by the WS's how wrong it was and how hurtful it was. If your WS is showing true remorse. It will give you some trust back. If you want to R that is more important.
It is a long hard journey. For some it is a deal breaker.
Keep posting. It may help you to understand that you are not alone in your feelings.
Love kills slowly.
I'M ON THE FENCE
You said you need details..if you ask,she answers..that's how R should work..if she isn't answering your questions..then this is why you're stuck,
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
If you've been full of anger for 2 years, you may be stuck. You probably should have a lot of grief and perhaps some fear, too, so if it's been all anger all the time.... Have you considered IC? (For help in working through your feelings and deciding what you want, not because something is wrong with you.)
Give up your goal of understanding why she did it. If you ever think you understand, you're kidding yourself.... It'll never make sense to a BS, and it shouldn't. OTOH, if your W isn't in IC with a goal of changing the thoughts and feelings that allowed her to cheat, I can understand your not trusting her.
Even if your W wants to R, if her A is a deal killer for you, it's a deal killer. It's OK to D.
In a sense - certainly from the POV of many BSes, including me - R requires giving a WS a pass. There's absolutely no punishment that fits the crime. Worse, every punishment that hurts the WS hurt the BS, too, and I sure don't want further punishment, so ... I give my W a pass - but she's in IC digging into and resolving her core issues, and that hurts her a LOT.
It sounds like your last 2 years have been pretty awful. My bet is that if you keep posting and reading here (and using what makes sense to you), you'll find your path out of hell.
Sisoon that felt very good to read. I'm confident that if I can get to the, give her a pass phase, that I can move on and we'll be on the road to recovery. But my problem is she is an ostrich and would just rather bury her head in the dirt and act like it never happened. I feel I've had to drag truth from her and I want it given willingly. For right now I'm kind of stuck right there with that thought.
[This message edited by jsmith032077 at 5:39 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
She's not. The Ostrich = rugsweeping. As an experienced passenger, it's a rough ride, knowing that one or more of the tires is low on air.
The driver doesn't seem to notice?
Acts like she doesn't care?
IDK, but as a pleaser, maybe it's time for you to turn that energy toward yourself.
If it resonates with you, you might print it out - have her read it.
If SI is your safe place - just for you, that's fine...if it's not an issue, you might consider steering her here. The WS forums are very helpful.
But my problem is she is an ostrich and would just rather bury her head in the dirt and act like it never happened.
I've read somewhere to not try and make sense of an A.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
If your W is stuck, your choices are lousy and limited. You get to choose to rugsweep or to move on and heal on your own.
I'm biased toward R, but if R is impossible, I'm all for healing on your own.