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Newest Member: Winstonsmith (46000)

User Topic: Easy Out
jsmith032077
♂ 39726
Member # 39726
Helpless  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first topic here so please forgive me if any of this is done wrong.

Its been 2 years since D-day and I still feel like its too much of an easy out for WW if I just accept and move on. Its like, "I murdered your best friend, but I'm really sorry." then I'm supposed to just move on. I know holding on to the hate isn't good for either of us, but I don't know how to move on. I want to know I can trust her again. Its like I feel she owes me something but I don't know what it is. Right now I just feel so full of hate and I want her to hurt as much as I have. I know I'm doing it all wrong, but I don't know how to make it right in my head.

WW is trying very hard and from everything I've read here and elsewhere she is doing the right things for us. But I'm a very detailed person so I want every detail and every reason. I've read somewhere to not try and make sense of an A. But I want a better reason then just the "It just snowballed and happened so quickly". I'm not satisfied and don't feel today that I will ever feel right about us again.


ME: 36
WW: 32

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013
2oldforthis
♀ 19825
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WElcome to SI. I am glad that you have been reading and have used all the helpful information here on SI.

Sorry that you find yourself here.

I think sometimes we BSs really get stuck on the WHY. I think that some WS's just don't have much insight into themselves to even be able to think about that. I too was really stuck on the WHY.

I think that in time I realized that the reason was not as important as the understanding by the WS's how wrong it was and how hurtful it was. If your WS is showing true remorse. It will give you some trust back. If you want to R that is more important.

It is a long hard journey. For some it is a deal breaker.

Keep posting. It may help you to understand that you are not alone in your feelings.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1651 | Registered: Jun 2008
huRtZ413
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry your feeling this way im only 2 months out and i feel things arent fair either that is getting away with killing my old husband and he is scott free, and im left with the pain. the fact is he actually saw physical tangible punishment through the military for adultery , and made him give up friends . so with the decrease in pay and everyone at working knowing he feels the shame most days and on top they made him do physical labor for the past 2 months . its not enough ! not that i wanted to punish me purposely them finding out was accidental on my part for talking about my issues to the wrong ppl during a highly emotional time . if i would choose a punishment id say its not nearly enough .....but he feels it is and he got what he deserved and i my head im thinking yeah ok you deserve worse but whatever. i have to be supportive this is his career and he was at the top of it now hes just a piece of the puzzle and he feel "worthless " you feel worthless



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
2oldforthis
♀ 19825
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Bump)


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1651 | Registered: Jun 2008
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if *that* is her reason..."it just snowballed and happened so quickly"..it's no wonder you're still pissed off. THAT is not a reason.

You said you need details..if you ask,she answers..that's how R should work..if she isn't answering your questions..then this is why you're stuck,

Welcome.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8070 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
ineedtoleave
♀ 29332
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are kind of simple in my head regarding the 'why', but that also makes it hard to move on.... I think he did it just for the excitement, adrenalin, whatever. So who can say that opportunity won't come again, and he'll just dive right in like he did before?


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 963 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just some random thoughts...

If you've been full of anger for 2 years, you may be stuck. You probably should have a lot of grief and perhaps some fear, too, so if it's been all anger all the time.... Have you considered IC? (For help in working through your feelings and deciding what you want, not because something is wrong with you.)

Give up your goal of understanding why she did it. If you ever think you understand, you're kidding yourself.... It'll never make sense to a BS, and it shouldn't. OTOH, if your W isn't in IC with a goal of changing the thoughts and feelings that allowed her to cheat, I can understand your not trusting her.

Even if your W wants to R, if her A is a deal killer for you, it's a deal killer. It's OK to D.

In a sense - certainly from the POV of many BSes, including me - R requires giving a WS a pass. There's absolutely no punishment that fits the crime. Worse, every punishment that hurts the WS hurt the BS, too, and I sure don't want further punishment, so ... I give my W a pass - but she's in IC digging into and resolving her core issues, and that hurts her a LOT.

It sounds like your last 2 years have been pretty awful. My bet is that if you keep posting and reading here (and using what makes sense to you), you'll find your path out of hell.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10740 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
jsmith032077
♂ 39726
Member # 39726
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the bump 2oldforthis. I felt weird bumping it myself, maybe too self serving even though that's what I'm here for. It just felt weird. I'm a pleaser, not someone who likes any attention for myself.

Sisoon that felt very good to read. I'm confident that if I can get to the, give her a pass phase, that I can move on and we'll be on the road to recovery. But my problem is she is an ostrich and would just rather bury her head in the dirt and act like it never happened. I feel I've had to drag truth from her and I want it given willingly. For right now I'm kind of stuck right there with that thought.

[This message edited by jsmith032077 at 5:39 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


ME: 36
WW: 32

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she does owe you, if you've offered her the gift of R (Reconciliation).
The Rcar has 4 tires:
Remorse
Honesty
Transparency
NC
& she needs to be the Driver, not you - you can't fix her, or love her back.
Repeat.
She has to be the DRIVER.
Doing the work.

She's not. The Ostrich = rugsweeping. As an experienced passenger, it's a rough ride, knowing that one or more of the tires is low on air.
The driver doesn't seem to notice?
Acts like she doesn't care?
IDK, but as a pleaser, maybe it's time for you to turn that energy toward yourself.

Read this:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

If it resonates with you, you might print it out - have her read it.
If SI is your safe place - just for you, that's fine...if it's not an issue, you might consider steering her here. The WS forums are very helpful.


Posts: 6825 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
aesir
♂ 17210
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But my problem is she is an ostrich and would just rather bury her head in the dirt and act like it never happened.

The thing about an ostrich with their head in the sand, is that they are stuck in that place. They can not move forward.

I've read somewhere to not try and make sense of an A.
The reason for this advice is because you just can't make sense out of nonsense. That doesn't mean that you accept the first dismissive rugsweeping explanation.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
2oldforthis
♀ 19825
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your Welcome JSmith. Sometimes newbies get overlooked in general. When I first came to SI, that is were I also posted my first post. I seem to hang out in general and I hate to see newbies overlooked.

Keep posting.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1651 | Registered: Jun 2008
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your W sounds stuck in rugsweeping. That won't help you build a solid, pleasurable M.

If your W is stuck, your choices are lousy and limited. You get to choose to rugsweep or to move on and heal on your own.

I'm biased toward R, but if R is impossible, I'm all for healing on your own.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10740 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 12

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