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Healing library, BS faq question

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RunningBlind posted 7/1/2013 17:21 PM

Hi everyone... Pertaining to #16 in particular, "How do you get to the root of why the A happened to begin with?"

I was reading through this, and it listed some things to ask the WS. HOW they felt about THEMSELVES during the A.

So my question is what does the answer to this question tell you? What does it mean if my WH says he felt "disgusted" and "crappy" with himself, instead of "content" and "satisfied."

Yet he also says he felt wanted, and felt needed by OWs attentions.. so what do the answers to the question "how did your WS feel during the A" mean?

SisterMilkshake posted 7/1/2013 17:27 PM

Wow! That is a great question. Maybe that is up to the two of you, your MC or IC to interpret what that means to each of you.

However, I feel that is pretty spot on as my FWH described his feelings. He didn't feel good about himself and felt some guilt, but also craved the attention and ego stroking from OW.

A really good book that really gets into the feelings of the WS and what they mean is "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. Have you read any books, or are you in MC or IC?

PanicAttack53 posted 7/1/2013 17:41 PM

Gonna concur with SM's answer here in that it's different for everyone being there are *no* hard and fast rules to this mess. Also, I think the guilt/shame along with the attention/affirmation WS feedback is very common.

It happened to me and stbxWW exactly this way. In the beginning she only expressed guilt & shame to me due to the fear I would immediately D her. It wasn't until much latter on (bout 4 months) that she was finally able to admit the attention and affirmation addiction she had to the A. So again, there are no hard a fast rules to follow. The best rule is always your gut.... follow that and you'll be OK.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 5:42 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

RunningBlind posted 7/1/2013 20:52 PM

Thank you both!

I've been reading lots of books.. "How can I forgive you?" and "Surviving infidelity" to name a few. I've actually read "Not just friends" after DDay#1 and I have no clue where my copy is. I think it's in my best interest to go looking for it. I'm only in IC... no MC. Not sure we will even get there because WH "doesn't know what he wants"

My gut feels like it's been through the wringer and ought not to be trusted at the moment lol.

It's so sad for people who get involved with someone who then turns around and tries to find "MORE", and we're supposed to remember that it had nothing to do with us, not to take it personally. It's so hard.

PanicAttack53 posted 7/1/2013 21:00 PM

My gut feels like it's been through the wringer and ought not to be trusted at the moment lol.

RB, know you were kidding here and I get that. But to be serious again, don't let the fact that you're going though hell deter you from trusting your gut. Your gut will always tell you the right thing to do... way more so than an outsiders opinion because you *always* will have the best viewpoint of your sitch kwim?

Hang in there... it does get better trust me...


[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 9:00 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 7/1/2013 21:37 PM

So sorry for what you are going through.

Below is a link to an excellent article by Shirley Glass titled, 10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse:

For getting to the root of the affair and a better understanding behind the psychology of affairs, I strongly recommend you re-read the book, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

What does it mean if my WH says he felt "disgusted" and "crappy" with himself, instead of "content" and "satisfied."

It means he was racked with guilt. He knew the affair was wrong, he was hurting you deeply, risked destroying his marriage, and that he made vows in front of you and everyone that is close to him.

When a WS morally believes that infidelity is wrong, and yet they still cheat, they have a difficult time reconciling their actions with their core beliefs. Although the WS may become very disgusted by their behavior, the high and thrill of the affair can overrides their better sense of judgment. For some WS's, their guilt will haunt them for years to come.

Yet he also says he felt wanted, and felt needed by OWs attentions

This means some of his emotional needs were going unmet by the marriage; particularly the need for admiration or external validation. External validation is a strong motivator for having an affair (I know it was with my FWW). Your WH is telling you he has a strong need to be respected, praised and appreciated. He probably needs the compliments and affirmations to be said often.

What often happens in a long term relationship, the compliments start to drop off significantly, dissatisfaction starts to creep in, and the spouse may start to feel taken for granted. When someone new comes along and starts filling those emotional needs...a WS with poor personal boundaries will cheat. Their strong desire to end the perceived suffering, takes over. In other words, they become just plain selfish.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:48 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

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