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The JfO Blues... Anyone else get them?

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PanicAttack53 posted 7/1/2013 17:30 PM

OK, so most of the Vets here know my sorry story lol. For those that don't, it's too long to detail so suffice it to say it was horrible in the beginning but it's great now.

Anyway, since d-day (11-18-11) I've always tried to spend some time in JFO to try and help others just starting out in this shitty mess, and also to try and give something back in thanks for all the support I've received here.

Recently though JFO has got the better of me. I don't know what it is, but lately when I go there and read the sad stories, I trigger like crazy. It's weird cause it has never affected me that way before and this new wrinkle just started.

Anyone else have this happen to them? For the Vets... how long was it before JFO didn't bother you at all?

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 5:31 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 7/1/2013 17:36 PM

When I first came to SI I was afraid to leave JFO and spent a long time there before venturing into other forums. Yes, I triggered a lot but I feel I was going to anyway. Kept visiting JFO regularly.

Around the second year though, I just couldn't go there. It was a physical pain all over again and I feel I was just getting past that.

Now, in my third year, I can go to JFO a little more but not as much as I would like. It still is very painful for me. It makes me feel so hopeless.

cayc posted 7/1/2013 17:41 PM

Yes, I have a tough time with it. The raw pain. The fact that the only advice I really have is FTG, leave him/her. I know that even if I'm right, they probably don't need to hear it yet. So I rarely post there. I do know it's important to give back though, so I look when I can stand it, and comment when I think I can actually say something useful. Probably far too rare still, but I know it's important to try.

selkiescot posted 7/1/2013 17:44 PM

I always have a rough time there. My hearts for them. I do try to spend time there if for no other reason than to say there light at the end of the tunnel. but OH the triggers.

PanicAttack53 posted 7/1/2013 17:53 PM

Thanks SM, cayc & selkiescot. Now I don't feel so bad about taking a break from JFO for awhile.

It's kind of a shame because I remember so well how the Vets here rallied around me and held me up in the very beginning. All those common questions were answered for me and it kept me off the cliff many, many times. I so want to do that for others knowing their pain but just like I've learned in so many other things since d-day, I can't fix anyone or anything but myself... and myself just needs a little break from JFO right now.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 5:53 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

girlsbird posted 7/1/2013 18:28 PM

I have a hard time going there and commenting. I just want to scoop them all up and love on them. Sometimes the posts bring me to tears.

Sad in AZ posted 7/1/2013 20:46 PM

It still bothers me but not because I trigger. I see so much pain and anguish, and I know it's going to get better for most of them. They just have to get through it like everyone else; there are no shortcuts.

I didn't spend much time there when I started; I wanted to get into the nitty-gritty of what my life was becoming. So I guess it never was 'my place'.

dameia posted 7/1/2013 21:18 PM

I used to spend a fair amount of time there. When I first joined SI I got great advice, but I felt like there weren't many people who could relate to my particular situation....the prostitutes, the finding out years later, etc. Of course I have since them met/read about others like me.

But, at first, I felt an obligation to be there to help people like me. Lately I haven't been able to go in there for more than a minute or two. It all just feels so hopeless.

sisoon posted 7/2/2013 00:03 AM

Too much raw pain for me, and I remember how much I hated reading, 'It takes time,' not to mention the other standard advice.

But mainly, too much pain.

My hat is off to any vet who helps those who JFO.

Tred posted 7/2/2013 07:26 AM


I understand mate. I still pop in there from time to time, but I don't post much anymore. There are some vets who still spend a bit of time in there - Bigger, stronger08, jjct for example. I've always been tempted to just have a template post that's like:

- see an attorney
- get tested for std's
- eat, drink, rest
- yada, yada, yada
- 2-5 years, time
- yes, tell the other BS
- take what you need, leave the rest

You get the picture. I feel like a lot of what I post in there is rote and is going to be echoed by the next 10 replies, or I've shared that story enough, it's time to pass the torch. I think you've paid it back enough. If it triggers you, take a break. Unfortunately, there is always a new crew coming in to help out those new to the pain.

stillhere09 posted 7/2/2013 07:39 AM

I have gone there, read just the titles to the threads, and sighed, feeling overwhelmed.

Like someone said, the best advice to give them is to leave, but you can't really say that to a newbie - usually, anyway.

I do go there and try to help, but it is so difficult.

Lucky posted 7/2/2013 14:39 PM

JFO is tough because the longer you are here the more you find yourself responding to the same kind of questions.
As each newbie comes in they want to know about "is he/she really cheating", "they still work together", "should I contact the other BS", "he/she swears on the kids' head it wasn't sexual"....
Sometimes taking a break is a good idea, skip down to F&G and have a few laughs.

PanicAttack53 posted 7/2/2013 15:42 PM

Thanks again everyone for the replies. I am gonna take a break for a while but I still hope I can go back someday to help.

@Tred, LOL, I actually did write up a canned reply with all the standard newbie advice. I then deleted it because after rereading it I realized how cold and calculated it sounded.

Lucky posted 7/2/2013 15:57 PM

PanicAttack53 if you notice I have 36,040 and you have 850 posts. I think it's safe and fair to say that I've sort of become used to the posts in JFO and am very comfortable answering posts, offering advice and comfort and not triggering.

Where you are at right now is so very normal. I think it's very caring that you want to help, and you will again when you give yourself a little space.

[This message edited by Lucky at 3:58 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Skan posted 7/2/2013 17:03 PM

Well, I try to go to JFO at least once a day. On weekends, I try to get in there twice. Yeah, if I'm having a really rough time, then it can be really freaking hard at times. My feelings of inadequacy and pain start to resonate with all of the anguish there. And there are times that I just really can't post. But at a bare minimum, I try to go in, find a post with less than 3 replies, and reply back to the person just so they know they've been heard.

My DDay was on a Friday. I found SI early Saturday. I tried to register but something went wrong and I think that it was Sunday night/Monday morning before I got on, with the help of one of the mods. I remember that feeling of standing outside in the cold, screaming and hammering on the door, trying to get in, and no one being able to see me. It seems like something that is very necessary to do.

But yeah, there are days that I skim because my heart is just too heavy. Especially in the last couple of weeks. Then I take a break.

m334455 posted 7/2/2013 22:02 PM

I've just started to be able to go to JFO for probably the last 4 or 5 months. So -- 3 years.

It's normal. JFO can be very triggery. I think you reach a point where you almost never trigger and then it's "easy" to go there(because you feel like you have something positive to contribute to people who are lost and sad.)

curiouswiz posted 7/3/2013 06:33 AM

Thanks for this thread Panic..I'm in the same place. I was feeling guilty too. I look at JFO and think I should jump in to help someone if needed. I'm up so early that some are still awake. Those early morning hours can be so long and lonely and so tiring.

I've had to stay away because I found myself wanting to scream at newbies to RUN! RUN FOR YOU FN LIFE! Not great advice is it?

The pain is palpable and I need to stay away so it's not a trigger for me too. I'm still trying to cope myself and still in the middle of a shitstorm. I've been lurking and reading. Trying to soothe myself.

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