Anyway, since d-day (11-18-11) I've always tried to spend some time in JFO to try and help others just starting out in this shitty mess, and also to try and give something back in thanks for all the support I've received here.
Recently though JFO has got the better of me. I don't know what it is, but lately when I go there and read the sad stories, I trigger like crazy. It's weird cause it has never affected me that way before and this new wrinkle just started.
Anyone else have this happen to them? For the Vets... how long was it before JFO didn't bother you at all?
[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 5:31 PM, July 1st (Monday)]
Around the second year though, I just couldn't go there. It was a physical pain all over again and I feel I was just getting past that.
Now, in my third year, I can go to JFO a little more but not as much as I would like. It still is very painful for me. It makes me feel so hopeless.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
It's kind of a shame because I remember so well how the Vets here rallied around me and held me up in the very beginning. All those common questions were answered for me and it kept me off the cliff many, many times. I so want to do that for others knowing their pain but just like I've learned in so many other things since d-day, I can't fix anyone or anything but myself... and myself just needs a little break from JFO right now.
[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 5:53 PM, July 1st (Monday)]
I didn't spend much time there when I started; I wanted to get into the nitty-gritty of what my life was becoming. So I guess it never was 'my place'.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
But, at first, I felt an obligation to be there to help people like me. Lately I haven't been able to go in there for more than a minute or two. It all just feels so hopeless.
Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.
But mainly, too much pain.
My hat is off to any vet who helps those who JFO.
I understand mate. I still pop in there from time to time, but I don't post much anymore. There are some vets who still spend a bit of time in there - Bigger, stronger08, jjct for example. I've always been tempted to just have a template post that's like:
- see an attorney
- get tested for std's
- eat, drink, rest
- yada, yada, yada
- 2-5 years, time
- yes, tell the other BS
- take what you need, leave the rest
You get the picture. I feel like a lot of what I post in there is rote and is going to be echoed by the next 10 replies, or I've shared that story enough, it's time to pass the torch. I think you've paid it back enough. If it triggers you, take a break. Unfortunately, there is always a new crew coming in to help out those new to the pain.
Like someone said, the best advice to give them is to leave, but you can't really say that to a newbie - usually, anyway.
I do go there and try to help, but it is so difficult.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
JFO is tough because the longer you are here the more you find yourself responding to the same kind of questions.
As each newbie comes in they want to know about "is he/she really cheating", "they still work together", "should I contact the other BS", "he/she swears on the kids' head it wasn't sexual"....
Sometimes taking a break is a good idea, skip down to F&G and have a few laughs.
@Tred, LOL, I actually did write up a canned reply with all the standard newbie advice. I then deleted it because after rereading it I realized how cold and calculated it sounded.
Where you are at right now is so very normal. I think it's very caring that you want to help, and you will again when you give yourself a little space.
[This message edited by Lucky at 3:58 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
My DDay was on a Friday. I found SI early Saturday. I tried to register but something went wrong and I think that it was Sunday night/Monday morning before I got on, with the help of one of the mods. I remember that feeling of standing outside in the cold, screaming and hammering on the door, trying to get in, and no one being able to see me. It seems like something that is very necessary to do.
But yeah, there are days that I skim because my heart is just too heavy. Especially in the last couple of weeks. Then I take a break.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
It's normal. JFO can be very triggery. I think you reach a point where you almost never trigger and then it's "easy" to go there(because you feel like you have something positive to contribute to people who are lost and sad.)
I've had to stay away because I found myself wanting to scream at newbies to RUN! RUN FOR YOU FN LIFE! Not great advice is it?
The pain is palpable and I need to stay away so it's not a trigger for me too. I'm still trying to cope myself and still in the middle of a shitstorm. I've been lurking and reading. Trying to soothe myself.