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mariusa posted 7/1/2013 20:13 PM

I'm at my wits end.

I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life with this, this feeling of, geeze, I don't even know how to describe it....You guys know. well some of you know it, anyway.

Way back when, when I was a stupid naive wife who never even conceived that my husband would cheat on me, much less leave me, much much less totally turn on me and abandon me and the kids, we lived a very comfortable life. We had a business that was at it's peak, we bought an absolutely beautiful house and also owned a beautiful vacation house. Really were on top of the world.

Well I guess it wasn't enough for him. He wanted to party, he wanted to be 24 again and what better way that to run off with a 24 year old party girl?
Oh but he didn't consider what it would cost. He didn't know about dividing marital assets. So I got a pretty good settlement considering the business was doing so well.
But I was a zombie back then. I was lost. I was in no condition to make decisions and really didn't know how or what to do anyway.
Ah yes, hindsight!!!

So I stayed in the beautiful house and coincidentally the housing market took a dive and I can't get rid of this dream house turned nightmare. And I'm slowly sinking...slow deaths are the worst!!....wait I think it has excellerated the past year...although, I'm still keeping a nostril above water, at the moment.

But I will say that I think I did good by my kids. They are really good kids. Excellent grades, AP courses, excel in sports and art. Never in trouble. Conscientious, good kids!!
I may have overcompensated a bit playing mother and father. But, looking back, I think I was like that before too because daddy did like to work late and go out a lot.
I remember saying once, while I was still married and running around like a chicken with out a head, that I was like a single parent....little did I know, a that time, it was destined to get worse!!

But anyway, today I asked for help paying for some specialized camps for them this summer. Believe me when I say I do not like asking that POS for help.

But screw me, I did.

And the email I got back was....
"I'm in 100% agreement that the kids should go to these camps and courses like this in the future to help them focus on their interests. The cost of these camps are expensive but definitely worth it. I feel the cost should be handled by you as I have paid a tremendous amount of money towards these courses and much much more."

What is he talking about? He has paid his court ordered support based on his income at the time. Nothing more. No extra's.
He hasn't even been around to take them for the every other weekend and one a week dinners in over 3 years.
And now that he is free, he could take up kite surfing and live on the beach and travel to exotic places to kite surf.
WTF??

Maybe I'm spoiled. Some of you don't even get child support.

But shit, I feel like I'm living someone else life.
We were a family, we wanted the best for our kids, we were working for a good life for our family, I thought...I thought we were on the same page. 20 years of building that business for our future.

Well the business is gone now, so is the 24 year old party girl (yeah, that didn't end well either!!)...but Peter Pan lives on!!

My mother actually told me to reply with a "go fuck yourself".
This is not my mother...she is the sweetest woman around. Definitely, cut the tension with that one!!

I'm not going to reply with that. I did reply with one word...wow.

Wow. Wow that he is so blatantly selfish and condescending.

Another part of my problem is I really think I'm suffering from PTSS.
The kids told me he's coming to visit in August. Since then I am trying to ignore the impending doom feeling...the feeling like my rapist is coming back to town. I hate this, and I hate even thinking I have this problem. It makes me feel weak.
I don't know how to get rid of it.

And now that I typed this all out I feel a little better.
I will now go and find something else to do to take my mind off this nightmare I live in.

Thanks for listening if you got this far! It is much appreciated to know someone listens.

tryingagain74 posted 7/1/2013 20:42 PM

(((mariusa)))

My XWH is also very condescending. The email your ex sent sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Oh sure, he's supportive of this and that... but I haven't yet asked him to open his wallet beyond what I get for child support. I can imagine getting that exact same response: "CS is supposed to cover all of those extra activities, so I feel that the money for [whatever] should come out of that." I might agree if he were paying a king's ransom, but he's paying the minimum that is mandated by our state for three children. And I'm also deeply resentful that the OW (who will be Owife this weekend) and her children now get to benefit from the financial stability that my kids and I once had.

Others do have it worse, but there's no point in comparing pain. It sucks no matter how you look at it-- when you see your life headed in one direction, and suddenly, you're jerked in a whole new and far more difficult direction, and it's not of your choosing, it's horrid and unfair.

If your ex is visiting in August, is there any way that you can go out of town when he's there? It sounds like your kids are older; could they stay at your place by themselves, or do you not trust your ex enough to have that arrangement? If there's any way that you could take a nice vacation, either solo or with friends, during the ex's visit, I think you should. That might help kill the impending doom feeling a bit.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/1/2013 20:43 PM

Here in Florida the guideline is that he owes 50% of unreimbursed medical and extracurriculars ON TOP OF child support. If that's how it is in NY, then yeah, he already said he "100%" supported the decision to put them in the camps, so legally I think he should owe half.. Definitely save that email where he supported the decision..

It sucks when it's more expensive to get a lawyer involved then what you would get out of it, but he needs to follow the rules. I'm with mom on this one

caregiver9000 posted 7/1/2013 21:17 PM

(((mari)))

Your kite surfing, 24 year old wanna be, head in the sand, Wxh is my favorite image of stupidity...

Having said that, I agree with your mom... But crickets from now on is best. Pretend he died. He's not going to wake up and just do the right thing someday because you ask him nicely, say magic words or catch him on the super moon perfect wave (oh, wait, WINDY DAY). He just isn't.

He's a jackass. He's proved it once again. He's likely to remain a jackass.

Ask the neighbor's donkey for help and you'll get a kinder response.

mariusa posted 7/1/2013 21:18 PM

Oh, I know, I can fight him for half. And what that will do is bring on the "I'll show you to demand more of my already generous nature." And the battle will begin and he'll petition to get support lowered and will prob win because he claims hardly any income....self employed.
So in the long run, I will lose anyway.

Because even if I do get the money from him and support isn't lowered, the emotional toll will take much more out of me.
I'd rather just keep struggling and keep the rapist as far away from me as I can.
And that is my PTSS talking!!

ETA: Thanks Caregiver!! I needed that!

[This message edited by mariusa at 9:19 PM, July 1st (Monday)]