You are very early into this. Survival mode kicks in and we do what we've got to do. We start feeling better because we're not crying every 5 mins. Because we start to be able to breathe. Because we're not tortured every single second.
Ah, I'm glad that's over.
But then the sads come again and you panic. WTF? I've been through this - why is it coming back.
Grief and healing are not straight lines. You'll go back and forth through the stages of grief several times.
The bouts get milder, don't last as long and there are longer stretches between them.
Its OK to still feel sad. I don't want that X, I don't want that M, I don't want to be who I was in that M. I still mourn the M, the man I thought I married, the life I thought I was going to have, the family life I thought I was going to give my girls, even the woman I thought I was - I mourn all of it.
I've largely surrendered to it - it was exhausting to fight it. I still get pissed off about feeling this way but that is just because I'm impatient. I think a lot of us are.
I spend time with those I love. I have friends who will rage with me, others who will cry with me, others still who will let me just be me and not talk about it at all.
I do things I love to do. I remind myself of all that I sacrificed just to keep the peace. I remind myself of what that M was really like, what it felt like to walk on eggshells every single day. Wondering where the fuck my husband had gone emotionally. I loved like that for over 5 years.
Yes, I am still sad sometimes. The thing is I used to be sad all of the time. This sadness has a purpose, it is healing. That sadness just made me empty, numb and dead inside.
((Douchebagfree)) Be gentle with yourself. It will take time but you will heal.