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Douchebagfree posted 7/1/2013 22:31 PM

So I've gone through this whole roller coaster ride which ended started out with hurt and sadness, moved on to anger and eventually ended with detachment. Lately though I find myself back in the sad part of it all and I can't figure out why.
The one thing that still really bothers me is that he simply walked away and didnt try to fight for our relationship at all. It's like the past 8 years meant nothing. On to better.....
I know his PA personality has a lot to do with this or maybe our whole relationship was one big lie.
He decided to leave 2 weeks after the Twinkie started working with him and she ends up pregnant a month later. This shit just makes my head spin.

Any of you felt this way? Gone back to the sadness after you thought you'd been there, done that?
If so, what did you do to get yourself out of the funk?

Nature_Girl posted 7/2/2013 00:29 AM

It is normal to cycle through the emotions repeatedly as time marches on. I have chosen to use each cycle and examine what the feelings show to me. What directions do my thoughts take me? What knowledge can I gain about myself, or relationships? Is there an insight for me to gain? Is there a truth about myself I need to face? Something about myself I need to change or overcome?

SBB posted 7/2/2013 07:26 AM

You are very early into this. Survival mode kicks in and we do what we've got to do. We start feeling better because we're not crying every 5 mins. Because we start to be able to breathe. Because we're not tortured every single second.

Ah, I'm glad that's over.

But then the sads come again and you panic. WTF? I've been through this - why is it coming back.

Grief and healing are not straight lines. You'll go back and forth through the stages of grief several times.

The bouts get milder, don't last as long and there are longer stretches between them.

Its OK to still feel sad. I don't want that X, I don't want that M, I don't want to be who I was in that M. I still mourn the M, the man I thought I married, the life I thought I was going to have, the family life I thought I was going to give my girls, even the woman I thought I was - I mourn all of it.

I've largely surrendered to it - it was exhausting to fight it. I still get pissed off about feeling this way but that is just because I'm impatient. I think a lot of us are.

I spend time with those I love. I have friends who will rage with me, others who will cry with me, others still who will let me just be me and not talk about it at all.

I do things I love to do. I remind myself of all that I sacrificed just to keep the peace. I remind myself of what that M was really like, what it felt like to walk on eggshells every single day. Wondering where the fuck my husband had gone emotionally. I loved like that for over 5 years.

Yes, I am still sad sometimes. The thing is I used to be sad all of the time. This sadness has a purpose, it is healing. That sadness just made me empty, numb and dead inside.

((Douchebagfree)) Be gentle with yourself. It will take time but you will heal.

movingforward13 posted 7/2/2013 09:29 AM

I just ended a sad bout because of Father's Day. It is sad how they act as if we mean nothing to them. But you obviously did mean something, as he was still trying to contact you as if you both were friends.

I think it will hit him the most when everything blows up in his face. You can rest assured that he will never be happy.

dindy posted 7/2/2013 09:54 AM

Hugs.

I too recently went through some major sadness again wondering why this man could just give up on us and his family without a care in the world. But like others have said it is normal to feel like this.

At least you know you are on the path to healing and everytime you feel sad you will come out if it feeling stronger and wiser.

I look forward to the day that my sadness will just be a fleeting thought but I have a long way to go in my healing journey yet.

The pain of your relationship ending just means that there is something even better yet to come. :)

anewday78 posted 7/2/2013 10:21 AM

Funny, I was just thinking of you this morning wondering how you were adjusting since you haven't posted for a couple weeks.
I'm sorry you're feeling sad.I'm sure it's an emotion that's going to come and go for a while. Has he contacted you since the last email he sent? If not, maybe that's what's getting you down since all the craziness that's kept you in constant contact is finally past you?
The important thing to remember is that you're in so much of a better place now. Perhaps you're mourning the marriage and the husband you thought you had rather than the marriage and the husband you actually had. It's understandable but remember this: you're better than him. You always have been and you always will be. Just remember that.
The best medicine for somebody in your situation is to allow yourself some time to heal. Keep seeing your IC and make time to reconnect with old friends. Try to get out there and make some new friends. Get involved in activities that interest/excite you. Go out and treat yourself to a makeover and some new clothes. Create a brand new you that he wouldn't recognize - a new you who feels empowered as she gets over the past and looks to the future in passionate anticipation. The life you truly deserve is finally within your reach...you just have to reach out and grab it now!

tesla posted 7/2/2013 11:02 AM

I still get sad occassionally. It's always a surprise since I feel happy and free most of the time. But I just remind myself that it's a short bout...it will end. Since I know it's going to end, I let myself feel sad for a little while...the phrase I've seen on here is cocooning...it's such an apt description.

((((dbfree)))

FaithFool posted 7/2/2013 11:08 AM

Have you read Journey From Abandonment to Healing?

It talks about grief as a hurricane. At first you get tossed and turned and nearly drowned. You come up for air, the skies clear a bit, then the eye passes over.

After that you encounter the outer bands of turbulence in between the calmer bits.

After awhile it's just wisps of cloud at the outer edges as it dissipates.

You're constantly passing through the different stages.

I found that analogy to be very comforting. Blue skies just around the corner.

Douchebagfree posted 7/3/2013 23:02 PM

Faithful - thank you for the book recommendation. Picked it up today and can't wait to start reading it. Hopefully it will help me figure some things out.

Thanks to all of you for your encouraging advice. I guess the roller coaster ride will continue for a while. He's made no attempt to seek a quick divorce even though he knows the lawyer won't release the house proceeds until the divorce is final. Not sure why?