SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Lighthouse Heart posted 7/1/2013 23:43 PM

I was here before many years ago. I hardly ever post but lurk now and again...things in life were good, rocky but I don't know - I'd moved on and been with S/O for 6 years..

It's all crashing down, I saw the red flags, I watched and listened and took note of things. FUCK ME!!!

Undeniable proof and yet...you know how it goes. I'm crazy...no nothing going on...gee I can see how this looks bad but I'm just helping a friend.

He knew everything I went through with my ex. Promised he would never do something like that

Fucking classic cheating signs. He's displaying every single one.

I'm so done...never did I ever want to be in JFO as a post initiator again.

This sucks big time.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/2/2013 00:02 AM

{{{Lighthouse Heart}}}

I have no idea how people go through the horrendous pain of infidelity more than once. A BS's worst nightmare!

If I had undeniable proof and he still denied then I would throw his ass out...immediately.

He knew everything I went through with my ex. Promised he would never do something like that

^^^This adds insult to injury.

So sorry that you find yourself here again.

wontdefineme posted 7/2/2013 00:07 AM

Sorry.

lemony.2008 posted 7/2/2013 00:12 AM

I'm so very sorry, Lighthouse Heart!

Please take good care of yourself. Just think about YOU, do the best for YOU.

((((huge hugs))))

tushnurse posted 7/2/2013 08:13 AM

((((LHH))))

So sorry you had to return. Going through it all one time is hard enough, but to have a new partner do it to you.

Lets look at a few positives though. You know you will survive it this time. You know your world while rocked, will be set right again.

You know what you need to do to either R or S. It's totally up to you, and any decision you make is yours and yours alone to make. If he wants to play along great, if not adios.

You KNOW YOU ARE WORTH MORE.
You KNOW YOU DESERVE Honesty and committment.

Sending you lots of Hugs, and strength.

SBB posted 7/2/2013 08:30 AM

((LighthouseHeart)) You can't end an M or a relationship just on suspicion alone. They use this against us and make us think we're crazy.

It gets so bad we start gaslighting ourselves.

That's why this shit is plain abuse. It is so unnecessary. Go off to UnicornFartLand - why drag me though all of this other shit, have me thinking I'm going nuts.

I can't tell you how guilty I felt for not trusting him, not believing him - for suspecting him.

((LighthouseHeart)) Another hug for you. I don't think I'll ever be ready to risk this again.

unarmbears posted 7/2/2013 10:42 AM

(((((((((Lighthouse Heart))))))))))))
You know your truth. What you have is undeniable proof and he is gaslighting.

A firm 180 my dear. I think many of us "veterans" forget the tools that will serve us.

Don't let your past with infidelity be a tool he uses to make you doubt yourself.

I had been cheated on in previous relationships. I knew Every. Single. Sign.

I still let my FWH make me think I was crazy. It's natural when we place our trust in someone that we want to keep it there.

Hopefully you will use the 180 to get your head clear of his garbage and see what is really happening.

Actions speak louder than words! When he says

gee I can see how this looks bad

brkn_heartd posted 7/2/2013 21:14 PM

Lighthouse heart.....I am sending my support your way. I am so sorry you are going through this a second time. Take care of yourself.

jjct posted 7/2/2013 21:21 PM

Undeniable proof and yet...you know how it goes.

Lighthouse Heart posted 7/2/2013 22:05 PM

Thanks all.

There is not an iota of R to this, no thought, no whim, no hint.

I had the whole long thing spelled out and lost it.

I thought something had been going on for a bit and found a couple of red flags.

I came back from vacation 2 weeks ago and he wasn't talking to me at all and wouldn't look me in the eye and he asked me to move as we hadn't been a couple for a long time (true and I had been getting ducks in a row). I found some signs and had a feeling someone had been in the apartment while I was gone...

I went away this weekend with a friend and he was far too interested in when I was leaving, when I would be back, how far away was it.
I was going to be back Monday afternoon...I came back Sunday afternoon and found the apartment with a woman's stuff laying around...they obviously saw my car in the underground and hatched an explanation - he came in alone and pretended he didn't know I was there yet was not shocked when I called him into my bedroom. Overexplained why she was there - fight with her husband needed a place for the night...she was with him now talking it out...but he could see how I might think it was something different.

He tried to cover all the bases. I knew what was going on - yesterday I found the massage oil missing from the travellers kama sutra kit that I got him 2 years ago was missing...the hunt was on. Found it stuffed in the folds of a blanket beside the bed along with 3 unused condoms.

Rookie mistake - I held out for less than 10 hours with that ...he said something about why couldn't I see he was only helping her - there was nothing going on...I slammed the massage oil on the table with condoms and asked if helping his friend required THESE!

I never used the oil with anyone...and I bought the condoms along time ago...I thought we could have sex again (it's been a loooong time)I told him the expiry on the condoms told me different.

Anyway - now I'm the bad guy and have poked the bear by invading his room and ransacking it.(Huh you didn't hide it that well and as soon as I knew what I was looking for I had it in less than 5 minutes dumbass)

He's not admitted anything other than but I broke up with you last week.(Does anyone else hear Ross "we were on a break")

I'm pissed off - but I know I'm done.

I can tell you it sucks a second time, but it's way easier to catch the tricks and recognized the behaviours.

Yes I hurt - this is not my fault...he wasn't the one and never was going to be.

I'll live.

Tired05 posted 7/2/2013 22:30 PM

...I'm sorry, I can't imagine going through this again. In fact, I wouldn't even bother trying...or at least I would like to think that I wouldn't try to R.

But like another poster said, at least you know what you are doing this time around and know you don't have to take any of his shit.

Next time you should leave your car down the street and 'sneak' up to the apartment? But surely he wouldn't be stupid enough to invite her over again while you are away now would he?

Lighthouse Heart posted 7/2/2013 22:57 PM

Lol - he probably would be...but I wouldn't be stupid enough to be gone overnight till I'm moved...and I have plenty of packing to do.

I have a place for the end of August - he needs to deal with it until then and find someplace else to bump uglies. If he can afford the mortgage without me (I think he has plans for her to move in but whatever) then surely he can treat her to the 59.00 flea bag motel down the street.

I've already removed jewelry, documents, my large laptop and cameras. I'll pack my net book to work each day and back. Perhaps I should take precautions for my tequila collection?

He's going to flip when he finds out it will be the end of August. I won't be bullied and have already stated as such. I just need to be calm, and grin a lot and pack. Shields up and do not engage.

I'm working on a plan B should it be needed for immediate evac - but 80% of the stuff in the apartment is mine - I brought it with me when I moved in and I'm not leaving it behind.

fallingquickly posted 7/2/2013 23:08 PM

(((Lighthouse Heart)))

This is why I doubt I will ever date again. I can't imagine trusting again.

jo2love posted 7/2/2013 23:14 PM

(((Lighthouse Heart)))

Lighthouse Heart posted 7/3/2013 22:38 PM

Call me paranoid but I can feel I'm being set up to be the bad guy here.

Right after he asked me to move I changed my settings on Face Book (he wanted to remain friends yada yada yada - this was before I found anything)so that he was not able to read future post and that things posted were only available to friends and not friends of friends. I then also didn't allow any common friends (including his family) to view any future posts. This is not a huge issue because I rarely even post things but should someone else post to me that knows what's going on I wanted to keep it out of sight.

I gather he's now posting stupid little sentiments that would make one think that I've dumped him and he's heartbroken.

I've resisted the urge to post anything - both the O/W and her husband are his friends ...incidentally she used to post funny little quips and like just about all his comments up until about the time he told me to move (talk about hindsight)maybe it's just that it seems obvious that they are trying not to be seen having any communication in the wake of my departure should I try and cause trouble...

In any case it's pissing me off!

His latest was "it's sad when you finally let someone have you and they stop doing what it took to get you"...
Cheese on Toast! Are you kidding me? Buddy what's really sad is that it took 6 years for you to pretend in front of others that you 'let' me have you and I hung around that long taking your shit! Does he not remember that I didn't fill the ice cube trays to his satisfaction when there was less than 6 cubes left in the tray so he took away 2 trays until I could learn to do it properly?

I didn't even notice until last week that 6 hours before he asked me to leave and told me we were done he had posted "Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living"

It sure seems like he's trying to smell like a rose here...

Yes, I know I should delete him and I will the day I'm moved to my new place and have no ties whatsoever. For right now I'm just going to bite my tongue and observe...and post.

Just rambling - thanks for noticing lol

ScubaGirl posted 7/4/2013 01:10 AM

Does he not remember that I didn't fill the ice cube trays to his satisfaction when there was less than 6 cubes left in the tray so he took away 2 trays until I could learn to do it properly?

I'd go and post exactly this under his comment - people would then applaud you for leaving...

Sorry - I know it doesn't feel like it when you're hurting, but you'll be better off leaving - that kind of belittling eventually eats into a person's self worth.

Jrazz posted 7/4/2013 01:33 AM

Damn, Lighthouse. I'm just so sorry.

At least you've got your wits about you this time around. We're here for you.

(((Lighthouse Heart)))

Lighthouse Heart posted 7/11/2013 22:37 PM

Just updating...I'm packing and getting ready for the move. After a very stressful first week things have leveled off. I'm doing the 180 and above all else keep reiterating to myself "I WILL NOT POKE THE BEAR" lol.

I'm being civil and god forbid almost kind in leaving things he may need...like the worthless strainer that he likes because he picked it out (no matter the thing is a bitch to clean and I never liked it)coffee mugs that I got at Ikea...stupid little things that are getting me things I want like my Sophia...our white Persian. She follows me everywhere and sleeps only with me - we have another that is more his cat than mine. So I'm keeping the peace.

There's things I've noticed in Fuck.Me.Over v2.0 that surprise me:

I'm done FULL STOP
I'm not crying
I'm not wallowing
I'm not hiding

My family knows, my coworkers know, my friends know...there is no fear of shame - he made a conscious choice to have an affair (regardless of things being rocky in our meager relationship)and tried to cover it up.

I know what happened, he knows I know what happened and I spelled out every step I believe he took down this path and his eyes almost bugged out when his blood pressure rose..."but, but why? how? you don't know that for sure?...how could you?" I told him very simply that he's not unique in any way shape or form...he followed the Asshat SOP's to the T and there were almost 40,000 stories just like this one - he was no different.

One thing that creeps me out with this is "the name" and I need a ruling on if this a curse or not lol...

2nd ex-husband's (the reason I joined here )OW named Linda

1st ex-husband's girlfriend (very quickly after I left and his best friends ex) named Linda

New ex-SO's OW named....yup...Linda

So is 3 a curse lifted, a coincidence or I should avoid any person coming in contact with me by that name for the rest of my life?

Holly-Isis posted 7/12/2013 11:04 AM

Coincidence. I know a very wonderful woman by that name. Actually two.

But then I don't believe in signs. Otherwise, I'd hate all Sandys. My abusive mom is Sandy, my friend xOw1 is Sandy and there have been others that have been harmful, to a lesser degree, in my life with that name. Although after the hurricane I did say it looks like Sandy is a destructive b!tch

It's just a name.

Though xOw2's mother's name is Linda and I must say, she did a crappy job of raising her daughter, IMO. Linda is also the name of an author of a A recovery book that many rave about.

It's hard to not put weight on something like that, but I really don't believe in signs like that. More important is making sure that your picker isn't broken and you choose to be around people healthy enough to face their issues rather than self medicate through destructive actions like cheating.

demos posted 7/12/2013 11:35 AM

Lighthouse, i have to ask this question. You said that you had not been a couple for a long time. Had not been intimate also. He had asked you to move and you were getting your ducks in a row. It sounds like emotionally and physically the relationship was already over. Is it just the fact that he has found somebody else?