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I found out that my husband of 8 years was having what seems to be a not so appropriate "friendship" with a woman (another servicemember) while he was overseas at war. He says they were only friends and nothing physical happened nor did he want anything physical to happen. He says he is sorry and should not have been friends with her. I have to say right now I believe nothing physical happened between them and I haven't found any evidence to suggest it. But apparently there were LOTS of rumors overseas that they were having a physical affair and the rumors spread to the spouses back home. One of these spouses I consider one of my best friends. Other people that I know knew about this too. These rumors went on for MONTHS. My friend never told me. I find out now when my husband is back home by another spouse who told me what people were saying.

Now I feel betrayed by what seems like everyone. I feel more hurt than I ever have before. I don't know why my husband would put himself in what seems could be an emotional affair. My friend said she didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. From what I am gathering, she thought the rumors were true. I don't know if this is normal, but it feels like she betrayed me too. I'm just going through so many emotions

welcome to si confused1215.

it's a horrible feeling to know that others were in the "know" and kept it from you, especially someone you considered a friend .

there's a lot of great resources here and in the healing library. a good book to start with might be "NOT just friends".

is your H being transparent? do you have free access to his phone, computer and banking? is he willing to answer any questions you have?

keep reading here, keep posting. you're not alone.

he was overseas at war. He says they were only friends and nothing physical happened

Brace yourself sweetie. The odds of that statement being true are extremely slim. 99.9% chance it was also physical. Now think about it... Do you really think that he would have been satisfied with being 'just friends' when the opportunity to cheat was there? Not likely.

Sorry sweetie, we usually always find out it was more than we originally were told.

Welcome to SI.

Hugs, Confused. Knowing that all those other people knew -- at first, it's humiliating. Then, it's infuriating. Why didn't they let you know?! I hope you get where I am in this kind of sitch -- contempt for their cowardice or lack of moral character, cold politeness when I have to interact with them.

I have no doubt that several dozen people knew about my fwh and his mcow (heh, McCow!). There's no way they could have been flirting and hanging all over each other without being seen. The office is laid out in a way that makes privacy almost impossible. Closed doors would be noticed...

Anyway, I know it's humiliating now. But you havent done anything shameful. He has. Hold your head up, because you're the class act.

Hugs again.

Thanks for all the kind words. I keep replaying everything in my mind. I know the passwords to his accounts and I saw they had a few conversations over fb but it was hi how are you type stuff. He doesn't seem to be too defensive and answers my questions but continues to say they were only friends. She was someone he "liked to talk to" which I know is what THEY ALL SAY right. He says he has no problem never speaking to her again, but it still doesn't ease the pain I am feeling.
As for the people that knew I keep asking myself why no one told me. Some of them problem liked the gossip, as for my close friend I have a feeling one of her reasons is that her husband told her not to get involved. But it feels like a knife in the back. And It's so embarrassing. I don't know how I am supposed to proceed with the friendship, but I guess right now I just need to focus on this mess with my H.

Well technically an EA is as bad as a PA, so it almost doesn't matter if they had sex in terms of the betrayal.

Still, I'd place a bet on the fact that they did given the rumor mill that swirled around.

My xWH's last A was hideously public, everyone knew and NO ONE TOLD ME. And I was angry at all of them. I held them equally culpable for not telling me, and they all ceased to be people I thought well of. Here's the deal. It's one thing to hold back oh so and so is cheating on so and so. But people knew my xWH was a philanderer. Sleeping with multiple women and RISKING MY LIFE. What if one of those OW was HIV positive??? Motherfucker.

So, it doesn't do to be consumed with anger b/c that only hurts you. But 1. you do need to delve more into your WH's story b/c it's not ringing true and 2. feel free to dump the people from your life who aren't friends of your M (if you choose to stay in it) or frankly a true friend to you. Worrying about the STD thing in the face of the betrayal can feel alarmist, but I wish more paid attention to the fact that sleeping around is risking the health of the betrayed. And that makes me very upset for both myself and for you.

Another military wife here with a WH in Korea...

Told by WH she was just a 'friend' CHECK

He swore nothing physical happened. CHECK

I am about to be very blunt...and possibly rude...excuse me in advance...

....But...I don't believe that nothing happened. At all. Not for a second. You may have an extremely hard time figuring out the truth though. (maybe you could order a poly?) That's why they do it though. We are in an entirely different country, its TOO easy. In fact, my WH said that as soon as he got his orders for Korea he already KNEW he was going to have a fuck fest and a few flings. He knew that before he even got on the plane...

When guys say 'she is just a friend'....I now take that as code for 'fuckbuddy'... I'd be willing to bet good money they had sex. ATLEAST a dozen times. AT LEAST. I mean, how long were they 'friends'? My WH said they had sex a good 25-30 times in about a month and a half period. (And that was them having to sneak around because the NCOs knew he was legally married and put a restraining order on her to keep him away...didn't work. Only made it more 'fun' for them...) Why so much? Because there are no spouses around to catch them, come home to, and they can easily have alibis for not calling as much as they usually do with us... "Sorry, I was on CQ/Staff duty. They kept us at work late. We are going to the field, won't be able to talk to you while i'm there"...

The OW was a servicemember as well... He told me she understood him, and they were best friends. This was in the beginning of the...'unraveling'.

On a slightly different note... has any other military wife gotten the "Soldiers are too busy fighting for our freedom to cheat. It's always the slut wives that spend all their money and cheat because they are so 'lonely'"?

Yea, I'm sure we all know what my WH was fighting so hard to 'free'...

[This message edited by Tired05 at 9:13 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Also, you said he was overseas at war, but not which country. If he was in a country like S. Korea where they can get a cellphone plan and nice phones, then their 'real' conversations may have been through an app like Voxxer. Also, don't forget that there can always be a fake facebook or voxxer, etc... or other sites like twitter, tumblr, etc where they can exchange messages. They also may not have left 'digital footprints' on purpose.

Is he back yet? Did he bring home any new objects that he seems pretty fond of...and could have been given as a gift from her? My WH had lots of souviners (from a 3DS down to small things like a T-shirt and belt) that he would show me on skype, and when I asked where he got them, he would tell me that he bought them himself (my H buying HIMSELF clothes???), but now I know different.

Is the other servicemember from the same unit/company/etc or is she long gone and you most likely won't run into her again?

I also agree with the conscensous: if a lot of people are telling you the same version of the rumor...then it most likely isn't a rumor and is the truth...

If your spouse is back home, and they had an EA along with the PA, or maybe if it was only a PA, I'll bet they contact each other again sooner or later somehow. To 'remember the good ol' times'. If they DO still work together and see each other on a regular basis at work, you can also bet they will pick up where they left off after things 'settle down' and/or they are hit with all the responsibilites of life again after the deployment.

I'm thinking he was actually deployed instead of stationed overseas since you mention many other spouses around you knew. Maybe you could show up at his work one day with the pretense of dropping off lunch or your young child wanted to surprize daddy at work right at lunch time. Then, find someone you know he was deployed with but you know that they don't know what you look like or know that your H is married, and somehow ask this person about the rumor and see if he gives you any hints or new pieces of info. I know this may be a long shot....but hey?

[This message edited by Tired05 at 10:12 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

I've found that where there's smoke, there's more than likely fire.

If everyone was talking about their affair, there's a darned good reason for it. So many cheaters think they're being so damned good at hiding what they're up to when the rest of the world can CLEARLY see what they're doing.

If everyone was talking about it, there's a reason for it. If they'd never met and lived in different countries and it was an internet romance, that's about the ONLY way it wouldn't have a chance to get physical. There was just WAY too much opportunity for it to become physical.

Sorry, Confused.