SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

That physical side

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2

UKlady posted 7/2/2013 05:45 AM

**big sighs**

So my WH and I are really doing well all things considered. We're 6 months out from D-Day, he's in IC both in MC and he's totally remorseful and doing ALL the things as WS should do to help repair and reconcile. We've had some really good days, started new hobbies together, I've taken up something for myself and generally there's lots of good healthy feelings....

But.....

Even when things are really this good, even when in MC we've discussed his 'why's' and I've kind of got my head around them, even when he's working so hard in his IC and can identify FOO issues which have caused his poor coping skills in general... even after all this why can't I just get those physical images out of my head??

He has told me, and I do believe him, that the sex for him and OW was bland, it was not exciting, he did it largely because he was scared of her - certainly of what she threatened to do (commit suicide - she did try; inform my family - she did that!). Even though I know this the image of them together (whether it was exciting or not) cripples me. How could he give himself physically to someone else when we should be a committed, faithful couple??

Don't get me wrong, when we met (me in late 30s him in early 40s) we were far from virgins. We would even talk about our previous sex lives and that was always ok - because it all happened BEFORE we were together. But now, now it just feels impure, tainted, like I can't ever get that pureness back again.

I don't know how to get through this - there's nothing he can do. We are very close intimately, having some wild HB but in my mind there's this image and I can't shake it off. I know that time will help - yeah, yeah..... I know it... but has anyone else found ways of dealing with this?

catlover50 posted 7/2/2013 06:20 AM

I take it back to the reptile brain. My H had an LTA with someone he didn't respect, love, or ultimately even like, had no passion for, and at the end basically had to force himself to have sex with to keep her quiet. All the while he could, and did, have passionate sex with someone he loved and respected. WTF, right? So, yes, I have learned about his CSA compulsions, compartmentalization, disassociation, but still.

He does admit that initially it was as good as mediocre since it was " different". Since I have never had casual sex I have had a hard time wrapping my head around it. I am trying to face the fact that the human body just has hormones, reactions that just basically kick in, in a reptilian way. If there is no emotional connection it can never reach that level of really being good and I know he never thinks back on it with anything but disgust and regret.

I still think of it, but think of how sick, dirty and meaningless it was, especially compared to what we have. That helps.

Good luck!

crazyblindsided posted 7/2/2013 08:48 AM

I still think of it, but think of how sick, dirty and meaningless it was, especially compared to what we have. That helps.

This is what I try to think of too. The A didn't last long so it didn't have the elements of deep intimacy like my WH and I have. Plus we have had 17 years of practice

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:49 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Getting to Happy posted 7/2/2013 10:15 AM

Hi Uklady. I struggled with the idea of my beautiful husband with his AP. That he willingly gave away, repeatedly something that WE promised to only give to each other. So having sex with him became almost impossible. Almost.

I told Mr. Happy that my body knew his body so even though I was gutted by his betrayal we still managed to have some kind of sex. But I would cry or feel dirty afterwards. Even though they had not had sex for a year, it went on for 5 years. I found out after the PA went to a EA.

I was lamenting about this issue in a thread and PPGA send me a video that really helped with the the mind movies.

It's kinda gross so I would need to PM it to you.

But ultimately it is hilarious and really changed the mind movies to something that made me feel much better about myself. It gave me a metaphor for their lurrve that tickles me to this day.

Somehow in my head, when I found out how long his A went on, I thought that I was some horrible thing that he was escaping. That I somehow caused this breech in our marriage. Then I started reading here on SI and went with the general consensus that it was all on him. But I still felt bad because I though he had this fabulous love affair...then PPGA sent me this video.

It saved my sex life with him because I am not the little frog in the video. I am not some random thing to be used.

They say that the brain is your real sex organ. Switching the players in the video to Mr. Happy and his AP did the trick for me.

OH and I showed the video to Mr. Happy. I let him look at it in its entirety... then I let him in on the joke that he and his AP were really the players in the video. He went from laughing to somber in 2 sec. flat and then gave me the stink eye... That will teach him!!!

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 10:23 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Undone1 posted 7/2/2013 10:35 AM

Can you send the link to me as well. Still struggling with mind movies as well. THANKS!

ifinallyfoundme posted 7/2/2013 10:45 AM

It's kinda gross so I would need to PM it to you.

i'd like it too please.

sailorgirl posted 7/2/2013 13:37 PM

UKlady,

I like this mantra: Messed up people do messed up things. It reminds me that WH and OW's "relationship" was twisted and dysfunctional, and he got into it because he was damaged.

In a way, he was reenacting his childhood abuse. His abusive parents didn't respect any boundaries, and neither did OW. His parents dumped their feelings and frustrations on him emotionally and physically, and so did OW.

That's not sexual. Sex is about sensuality, desire, fun, and deep connection. For OW, this was about manipulation, desperation, fear of abandonment, and self-destruction. For WH, it was about guilt, obligation, shame, and self-destruction.

If there had been some other act that made OW feel less needy and worthless, she would have insisted on that. But since OW equates sex with "love" or security, she blackmailed him into sex.

But it wasn't really sex so much as WH masturbating into her because he felt like he had to to make her craziness stop. He says it was like ejaculation without orgasm--as if he was required to give a sperm sample.

Imagine OW. Either she has no idea what feels like when a man genuinely desires you, or she knew WH didn't want her but pushed that aside. Both things = sad.

She had to trap and threaten him into seeing her at all. He could not wait to get away from her after they had "sex" and she had to have felt that.

Really, what they did was pitiful and dark. Imagine the atmosphere--OW's bottomless pit of neediness, WH obligated to get it over with . . .

It has no relation to us other than the fact that it shows me how broken WH was . . . then I understand him better and have more compassion. I can see how much more whole he is now, and that fuels real intimacy, which I'm sure will eventually lead to phenomenal sex on a whole new level.

1devastedmom posted 7/2/2013 18:37 PM

Can you send me the video too...I'm going crazy with the mind movies.

tryin2havefaith posted 7/2/2013 20:31 PM

Can you PM me it too?

ItsaClimb posted 7/3/2013 01:18 AM

Like most things infidelity related...time (that 4 letter word I have come to hate!) seems to be the answer. I have found in my experience that as time has gone by the mind movies have eased somewhat. They aren't gone completely and sometimes I really battle with them again, but they have eased somewhat.

Something that helped me was this - I stopped fighting it. I think to begin with I was "pulling the plaster off slowly" - the mind movies hurt so much that the minute it started I would try my hardest to put it out of my mind. I don't think that was helping at all, so eventually I allowed myself to REALLY dwell on the mind movies.. I just sat back and allowed the mind movies to "flow".

Possibly TMI, but I even did this during sex... there was my WH having sex with me and I was imagining it was OW he was having sex with.... it was BRUTAL! Hurt like hell! But I think it loosened the mind movies' power over me. I had seen, felt, been in the very worst mind movie and I had survived, there was nothing left to fear in a way. That seemed to break the back of it for me. Not sure that it would work for everyone, but it helped me.

UKlady posted 7/3/2013 04:16 AM

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond

catlover50 saying this:

I still think of it, but think of how sick, dirty and meaningless it was, especially compared to what we have.

yes - that is a good way to think of it - I will try that because it's the truth of the matter. And the reptile brain - yes you have something there. Our MC spoke to us of how our bodies betray us and to think, for a minute, of poor children who are subjected to SA - their bodies may not be physically ready but there is a reaction in them they can't control or understand.

Getting to Happy - if posting an external link is not permitted here then please do pm the link to me - I'm curious to what this actually looks like!!

sailorgirl - as ever, I feel that you and I have so much in common and I look out for your words of wisdom and thank you for them.

WH and OW's "relationship" was twisted and dysfunctional, and he got into it because he was damaged.

^^^^ this is so true in the case of my WH and the OW too and he's done his darndest to get this all sorted in his head through his IC. I'm beginning to really understand him now but only as he is discovering the self he never knew and learning about his FOO issues (sorry that phrase makes me even though it's not funny - just the child in me!! ).

For WH, it was about guilt, obligation, shame, and self-destruction.

Wow - the word here that hits a note is 'obligation' - omg my WH said, during one of our MC sessions in answer to my question why/how could you not physically stop yourself actually having sex with her, that he felt almost 'obliged' - he didn't want to 'offend her'!!! like OMFG!!! BUT, but..... I'm beginning to understand as I already said.

Itsaclimb - yes we all must hate the 'time' word but have to acknowledge its power. Thank you also for this:

there was my WH having sex with me and I was imagining it was OW he was having sex with....

I've done that too - not through wanting to but because it just happens. Now I'm armed with some good advice from people on this post I think I'll be able to do this but with a different viewpoint!

Thank you all

BeautifulEmpty posted 7/3/2013 05:00 AM

Could you please send me the movie link too?

CatchyUsername posted 7/3/2013 05:13 AM

Getting to Happy - PM me that link please

Itsaclimb -

there was my WH having sex with me and I was imagining it was OW he was having sex with...

ME TOO! We actually decided on a code word that when it switches to that I can give the signal to WH to back away quick and not touch me.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/3/2013 06:23 AM

Maybe TMI....One thing that we did (which could go either way) was to discuss in detail their sexcapades. Times, places, positions, I asked down to the tiniest gory details.

Then we avoided all of those things. We had what was just ours. My mind had to claim her in new ways and feel some ownership before I could reclaim the old ways.

We had a lot of discussions about fantacies, not only super huge ones but little things as well. We tried some that were just ours. We started adding toys and props and role play. We got away from normal bland.

For quite a while it was just about physical pleasure. But the intimacy and emotion has been slipping back in.

painpaingoaway posted 7/3/2013 06:38 AM

OH and I showed the video to Mr. Happy. I let him look at it in its entirety... then I let him in on the joke that he and his AP were really the players in the video. He went from laughing to somber in 2 sec. flat and then gave me the stink eye... That will teach him!!!
Mr. PPGA had the same reaction, and oh how I enjoyed the look on his face when I explained to him that this gross little video was a 'porno' of he and his 'lover'.

I still find it amazing that something that was otherwise so gross and distasteful to me could have helped me so much!

Let's hope YouTube never takes it down!

PPGA

cantaccept posted 7/3/2013 09:17 AM

Would you PM me also? Mind movies are horrific. Sometimes i actually get physically ill. Anything that would help!

DoneWithLove posted 7/3/2013 10:05 AM

My fWH says that the only reason he was able to have sex with the OW was because he felt he was past the point of no return. He thaught that I would never take him back so instead of coming back home, he had pushed himself to have sex with a woman he wasnt attracted to or liked. He said that he kept stopping and pausing and she kept asking what was wrong but they both persisted on. He said that he felt discusted after wards and still is with himself and her. It was all about how she made him feel desired but it wasnt what he thaught it would be and now he remorsefully regrets his mistake. The mind movies come and go, as do the triggers and hard days but I can see an end and that's what I keep in mind and look forward to. I look at it like the old WH is my ex and we had a bad relationship, this new fWH is who im M to now and were taking what weve learned and actively making our new relationship/ M better and more fulfilling. Good luck

FightingBack posted 7/3/2013 11:23 AM

Can you add me to the list too?

Problem with me is that WH claimed the sex was always good with MOW.

Tred posted 7/3/2013 11:45 AM

little frog

Wait, PPGA's famous "Jedi mind trick movie that only works with women(tm)" is about a frog? A freaking frog?

ETA: Sorry, bit of a t/j...but a frog? Seriously?

[This message edited by Tred at 11:58 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

UKlady posted 7/3/2013 13:27 PM

Tred - don't know yet as haven't seen it. Got to say that has made me extremely curious!

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.