Okay, its been a bit since I started a post. Thank you to SI members who have private messaged me to just check in.
I am a detailed oriented person. Like many of us I sought why the A happened. While it is basically a fruitless venture it has exposed something within me that I was not fully aware of.
The following has come to light through much work and introspection.
Pre-A (about 3 years ago the downturn started) our marriage was in trouble...neither of us were aware of it and had no idea the dangers that lie ahead. We both felt some level of detachment from one another...both felt that our attachment would naturally come back...and that what we were experiencing was just not a big deal....we have kids, she runs a small business, I have a 50 hour a week career...what we felt was normal...as we looked to our friends around us, we had it better then most. Believe me...that is all stated NOW with the luxury of hindsight...neither of us were anywhere close to that enlightened during that time.
Unfortunately this led us both to do some very unintentional things that hurt our marriage. I engaged my wife in unhealthy ways. Not abuse but I fixated on non-personal, non-relationship based conversations and engagements. I would come home from work tired and with not much left over for our marriage. We made some time for date nights, but we now see they were just not fulfilling...nothing ever hostile...just not depositing love units in each others accounts. My wifes reaction to this was to pull back and reduce engagement and eventually have her A.
Add to this our FOO issues...my fear of abandonment due to a father who disappeared immediately following their divorce and her own issues which add to the desire to hold back...and it comes as no surprise we are having serious issues. Ahhhh the wisdom that time brings....
Now to the danger of seeking why....
For the past 6 weeks I, through my journey to seek compassion for my wifes position within our marriage that set her up to be vulnerable to an A, have come to realize that I was not having love deposits in my account either. Up until this revelation I believe I was lying to myself as to what I had in our marriage pre-A...specifically what I was doing for and getting from our marriage. Like my wifes A...my actions were born out of ignorance...neither my wife or I intentionally, initially started out with the intention to hurt each other or our marriage. Our feeling at the time was generally good. Now I believe I was holding back from intimacy in a similar way that my wife was...only for different reasons.
About this time is when I noticed the tears stopping over the loss of the marriage I had. I have not posted on here during this time as I have wanted to digest this thought...have discussed it in IC and with my wife....it appears to be real. Reality is a fleeting state during this process though...isn't it?
Most recently I have noticed my wife and I not really 100% in our relationship. She has remorse and I love my family...but our priority is not always us. In addition I have come to accept that my wifes love bank account has had more recent deposits made in it then mine has. Yes, I know they were made by a married man during an illicit affair...but deposits were made. A relationship that was on some levels satisfying was had by my wife.
I cant remember when my relationship with my wife was really satisfying. I can remember when it was more calm and peaceful...but not really satisfying.
I can now understand, at least in part, why my wife got into an A and why it has been hard for her to completely close the door on at least the love deposits she got from it (if not the OM himself).
We are not in a good spot. We are both willing to be patient. We are both curious on what we are to do to reconnect and save our marriage and family.
Long post...hoping to set the stage to see if other SI members experienced this. It is concerning as this feeling on both of our parts will not lead to a healthy marriage.
Please refrain from posting anything about what my wife is or is not doing...that is for her to figure out and to talk about on here if she chooses. I am really just interested in thoughts regarding my feelings...see if other BS have ever arrived at a spot like I just described.
SUMMARY; The danger in seeking why is that the BS will arrive at the same spot the WS had...one that has you questioning just what is really at risk and then coming to the conclusion that there is something out there worth risking your marriage and family for at all cost...it endangers the marriage and family unit. I think it is beneficial for at least one of the spouses to have a genuine sense of risk with regards to what the loss of the marriage is.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:04 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]