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Small town + children = ?

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blakesteele posted 7/2/2013 07:28 AM

We live in a small town. Up until 2 weeks ago the A was not known. Now it is around least to some level. My wife and I, while not happy about it, are not afraid of it is the is the truth we are committed to each other and our marriage. We figure the friends that react poorly are not friends we need anyway. Those that support us are the friends we want as our support network.

What complicates this is our daughters.

We have not told our two daughters, both in grade school, anything other then Mom and Dad are working on problems.

Anyone make that painful decision to get more details to their kids? If yes, any tips on if it worked or not? We don't want to add any more hurt to this situation then is necessary...have even talked about moving...everything is on the table.

There was a thread on this 4 months ago...but I cant find it.

Thanks for reading my post.

God be with us all.

Knowing posted 7/2/2013 08:01 AM

I would only tell them if they ask. I think it's unlikely word of your WS' A will get to them but if it does, deal with it then.

karmahappens posted 7/2/2013 08:23 AM

I disagree.

Only because we didn't tell our kids, but others did.

I regret my decision. Not telling them made it a secret they couldn't talk to us about, made their questions fears and thoughts taboo...KWIM?

Your kids are younger, but I guarantee you some parents will be talking about you and your wife, a kid will overhear something, may not get it all....and it will begin. They will get pieces but they will know they can't come to you because your silence has taught them it's not ok.

Find an age appropriate way to discuss this. Get some tools from your IC and decide if it isn't something you can talk to with your kids.

Recovering from trauma as a family can be a valuable lesson.


ItsaClimb posted 7/2/2013 10:18 AM

My kids are a lot older than yours (23 and 18) and they know the whole sad saga. My youngest was talking to a good friend of mine a while back and said that she is glad we have kept her in the loop as she would hate to be wondering what is going on and be too afraid to ask. She knows she is free to come and ask any questions she has.

I discussed this very thing with a therapist shortly after D-Day - I was concerned as my younger daughter had seen me VERY upset (as in on the floor in a foetal position, beyond crying and more or less in shock) The therapist said something that really stuck with me, she said "in families there should be NO secrets, only surprises" She went on to say that the minute you allow secrets in the door you are potentially allowing all sorts of nasties in too, such as kids keeping sexual abuse from their parents, kids keeping drug use from their parents... etc etc. She said surprises are fine (eg "we aren't going to tell mommy about the pretty scarf we bought her for her birthday, its a surprise") but secrets are NOT, never under any circumstances and she said it should work both ways - parents don't keep secrets from the kids and kids don't keep secrets from the parents. Her feeling was that this is what families should be about, there should be that trust that we all will tell each other what is going on in our lives. (Yeah, wish that had been the case with fWH and me!)

She also said that if the kids find out from someone else in a situation like this they are going to feel pretty much the same way a betrayed spouse would feel, in that there were huge things going on in their life and no-one had the decency to tell them.

It's of course a very personal decision, you know your situation, you know your children. Obviously all info needs to be age appropriate, in your case the bare minimum is probably enough.

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