Anyway, I'd love to do a little dating, nothing serious, but it'd be nice to have a dinner or coffee with someone and just be able to chat socially - it's been a looong time since I've been able to do that.
I was hoping to see if there was a "starter" post for online dating, or anything of the sort? Any suggestions or advice?
NB is about recreating a new life based on our newly emerging self. Take your time to heal and rediscover who you are without your STBXWW.
the best dating advice I can give right now is to not date. I know you want to have some fun, some light-hearted social times, but really, dothis with buddies, with family, with volunteer groups and hobby groups. Wait until you have divorced, or been through most of the divorce process, and are in a better place emotionally to date. You will attract better partners and have a more rewarding experience
THIS. I made the mistake of doing EXACTLY what you want to do. Its because I was lonely....and used to being married for 8 years...and didn't like being alone. I think that toxic people can smell a broken person a mile away....and they swoop in for the kill. Sure...they come disguised as charming, attractive, innocent sheep and then WHAM BAM thank you MAAM later...the true wolf has appeared.... used and abused you and POOFed to the next victim.
Just. Don't. Do. It. Trust me.
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:45 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
I am lonely too, and would love to have a cup of coffee with someone else, just get to know some other people. So, I understand how that feels. I don't know when you know you are ready to start to do that.
The people who "know the drill" will stay away from early separated people. I rarely agree to a date with a separated man (in out state you have to be S a year with minor children). If I do...I ask questions about their basic emotional state. If I get a whiff of "not ready", I decline. If someone states in their profile that they are only looking for casual...personally, I avoid them too.
So, generally the better advice is to try MeetUp.com to make new friends and give you new social outlets.
Many of us on this forum ignored this advice, and ended up hurting ourselves, involved with toxic people, or hurting someone else's heart. I know I thought I was an exception to the "it is best to wait" rule...I wasn't.
And if you ignore the rule too, know that you can always come back to the NB forum anyway...we will be gentle when we say "ah, we told you so..."
I'm dating on line and I too have learned to weed out the profiles of men who are separated or are "new to this". Even when a relationship with those guys starts well, they don't end well. You'll be a more healthy potential partner if you heal yourself first.
If YOU are looking for the next SO.. stop right now. You are very vulnerable and even if you do luck out and find a normal.. non-disordered and otherwise wonderful person .. honestly.. you arenít good relationship material right now.
If this doesn't make you want to wait, I don't know what will.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
I wish I knew about meetup.com back then. I love to hike and last year I joined a hiking group. So much fun and much better than dating! Met and talked to a bunch of people on these hikes. Got much better at small talk and opening up to people.
I joined several more groups; eventually some singles groups where I met my current SO.
I would highly recommend it... But would avoid the "singles" groups for now.
[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 8:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
I see no issue with dating for the sake of dating
Ok sure. But what about the people you are dating who are whole and who are looking for a partner, someone who ISN"T married. Yeah, screw them. After all, it's only your feelings that count, right?
Seriously, if you aren't D, you shouldn't be dating because you are still married even if you don't want to be. And if you're still a mess from your D all you're going to do is hurt someone else with your "just dating". Even if you're "honest" that all you are doing is "just dating" whole people won't be interested so all you'll attract are the sort who won't believe you and will be hurt.
Dating isn't a game. It involves 2 people and it's just not fair to the other person if you aren't ready for what you are doing.
[This message edited by InnerLight at 10:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
I know you want to have some fun, some light-hearted social times, but really, do this with buddies, with family, with volunteer groups and hobby groups.
THIS^^^. A million times this. You won't regret it.
Ok sure. But what about the people you are dating who are whole and who are looking for a partner, someone who ISN"T married
You must have missed where I said:
It is imperative that you be honest, both with the person you are dating and yourself about your true intentions.
I very much disagree that dating must be about finding the "next one". Date as advertised.. separated and slightly damaged, not looking for anything serious.
I don't see that as frivolous or dishonest.
I dunno.. I just don;t remember a point where dating HAD to be about shopping for a new mate. I dated for years without any intention of ending up in a relationship.
Where I disagree is with the position that dating has to be about finding the next SO. I see no issue with dating for the sake of dating.
We've had others who felt this way too. Invariably, it blew up in their faces because either they got attached or the other person did. It's rare that people can handle casual dating without developing some emotions. It's much easier to just not put yourself in that position until you have healed and are truly ready to move on.
If someone keeps stabbing you in the back, then quit handing them the knife.
Date as advertised.. separated and slightly damaged, not looking for anything serious.
You're aware aren't you that this is the spiel given by many WS as they start merrily down the A path. Oh I'm separated! My marriage is o-v-e-r except for that pesky D. Oh I'm so sad and damaged I need some love from someone who understands me! Oh I'm separated so I can't give you a real R, I'm not looking for anything serious! And what did the AP hear? They didn't hear dating for dating's sake.
And the likelihood that someone wants to date for dating's sake past the age of, idk, 30 or 35? Not very high. It gets tiresome to constantly be around new people after awhile. You start to want some constancy in your social life, even if you never want to M again (which I'm not quibbling with at all).
If I met a man and he said "I'm not looking for anything serious, I'm just dating around", I'd give him a pass because to me the point of dating is to meet people you want seriously in your life, however you define serious (monogamy, partner, marriage, close friend, friend). I don't want anything serious means to me selfishness and I'm going to use you. If that's the sort of person you want to hang around, someone who supports selfishness and is willing to be used, then have at it I guess. I still think you wind up leaving a lot of collateral damage in your wake even if you are unaware of that fact.
I'm looking into meetup.com
In short, don't do it.
If you do, know this. You're playing with fire. It's another cliche but it's true: Broken attracts broken. You're not ready to have a relationship. If you're honest with your potential dates, you won't find many takers unless you are handsome and spend-y and even then the pickings will be slim. And rather shallow. What you are likely to find (unless you live in a big city) is someone in a similar situation ... newly filed for divorce and looking to bury the pain and a boost to their self-esteem. That's what happened to me. Twice. (I had some dates with healthy quality people and they ran for the hills - not because of who I am but what I was going through. Re-read cmego's post.) The first relationship hurt me pretty badly. In the second one, I was guilty of hurting her, although, to be honest, I wasn't completely blameless in the first too. Anyway, I learned a lot from those relationships, but I would have been a lot better off reshaping my new life and career and working on making myself happy on my own.
What I'm suggesting is not easy by any means. As a guy, I think it stings a little extra to get cheated on and you want to get out there and prove yourself. And after all those years of marriage - good or bad - you are used to sharing your life with someone. And it sucks to be without female companionship.
Here's what I would do if I had to do it again. Lean on your existing friends even more. Make some new friends. Indulge your hobbies and/or sports. Lose yourself in work and make a lot of money. You're going to need it to pay your divorce lawyer.
Good luck to you. In closing, I'll just say your life may look like a complete suckfest for now. It gets better. A lot better. Work on yourself and making a better life for your kids. Stay strong, brother.
[This message edited by CluelessGuy at 8:49 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]