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Newest Member: DontWantToWakeUp (45711)

User Topic: Online Dating Advice?
ssi0318
♂ 39225
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm working my way through the whole divorce process. I actually only filed 2 weeks ago, DDay was nearly 4 months ago, WW moved to a different room in the house 6 months ago, told me she wasn't happy 9 months ago...needless to say, it's been a crappy 9 months.

Anyway, I'd love to do a little dating, nothing serious, but it'd be nice to have a dinner or coffee with someone and just be able to chat socially - it's been a looong time since I've been able to do that.

I was hoping to see if there was a "starter" post for online dating, or anything of the sort? Any suggestions or advice?


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 11
DDday #2 04/18/2014
DDay #1 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2013
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will probably not want to hear this but the best dating advice I can give right now is to not date. I know you want to have some fun, some light-hearted social times, but really, do this with buddies, with family, with volunteer groups and hobby groups. Wait until you have divorced, or been through most of the divorce process, and are in a better place emotionally to date. You will attract better partners and have a more rewarding experience.

NB is about recreating a new life based on our newly emerging self. Take your time to heal and rediscover who you are without your STBXWW.


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the best dating advice I can give right now is to not date. I know you want to have some fun, some light-hearted social times, but really, dothis with buddies, with family, with volunteer groups and hobby groups. Wait until you have divorced, or been through most of the divorce process, and are in a better place emotionally to date. You will attract better partners and have a more rewarding experience

THIS. I made the mistake of doing EXACTLY what you want to do. Its because I was lonely....and used to being married for 8 years...and didn't like being alone. I think that toxic people can smell a broken person a mile away....and they swoop in for the kill. Sure...they come disguised as charming, attractive, innocent sheep and then WHAM BAM thank you MAAM later...the true wolf has appeared.... used and abused you and POOFed to the next victim.

Just. Don't. Do. It. Trust me.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:45 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Dawn58
♀ 37656
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for bringing up the topic!! Dday was 7 1/2 months ago. I filed for divorce back in January. No kids, so all that has to happened is to settle out the finances. Forensic accountant has been retained and the voluntary settlement conference is scheduled for October. That was the first date that worked for both myself, my soon to be ex, and the gaggle of attorneys. Wish it was sooner, but it is what it is.

I am lonely too, and would love to have a cup of coffee with someone else, just get to know some other people. So, I understand how that feels. I don't know when you know you are ready to start to do that.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 487 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dating too early...you are doing it for basically selfish reasons. You are lonely, etc. The issue is you are not emotionally ready to give yourself to anyone else yet. You end up hurting other people as you are healing/growing.

The people who "know the drill" will stay away from early separated people. I rarely agree to a date with a separated man (in out state you have to be S a year with minor children). If I do...I ask questions about their basic emotional state. If I get a whiff of "not ready", I decline. If someone states in their profile that they are only looking for casual...personally, I avoid them too.

So, generally the better advice is to try MeetUp.com to make new friends and give you new social outlets.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know we sound like we are simply sucking all the joy out of your wanting to date, ssi. I understand the loneliness and the desire to do a "little" dating since it has been so long since you've been able to do that. But really, you need to "date" yourself for a few more months before you think about dating even "casually". Do things that you have ignored that used to be fun, join groups, volunteer, do things with women on a platonic basis for a good 6 months after your divorce is final, find a cause, take up an exercise regimen, heal yourself first.

Many of us on this forum ignored this advice, and ended up hurting ourselves, involved with toxic people, or hurting someone else's heart. I know I thought I was an exception to the "it is best to wait" rule...I wasn't.

And if you ignore the rule too, know that you can always come back to the NB forum anyway...we will be gentle when we say "ah, we told you so..."

I'm dating on line and I too have learned to weed out the profiles of men who are separated or are "new to this". Even when a relationship with those guys starts well, they don't end well. You'll be a more healthy potential partner if you heal yourself first.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3235 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
ssi0318
♂ 39225
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. I hear what you are saying. It's tough...It's hard to find that appropriate boundary, one where I can get the interaction I'm craving yet still work on me and get my house in order.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 11
DDday #2 04/18/2014
DDay #1 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2013
Maxiom
♂ 26001
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often disagree with a complete moratorium on dating. What others have said is true.. you are vulnerable. Heck.. we just had one person post on how he missed some huge warning signs very recently. Where I disagree is with the position that dating has to be about finding the next SO. I see no issue with dating for the sake of dating. Just toss out the rest of the baggage and go out to have some fun. It is imperative that you be honest, both with the person you are dating and yourself about your true intentions.

If YOU are looking for the next SO.. stop right now. You are very vulnerable and even if you do luck out and find a normal.. non-disordered and otherwise wonderful person .. honestly.. you arenít good relationship material right now.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 462 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With apologies to PanicAttack53, I'm going to make his saga a cautionary tale; please read these threads:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=498981&HL=34195

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500664&HL=34195

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500547&HL=34195

If this doesn't make you want to wait, I don't know what will.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20432 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
HappilyUnMarried
♀ 21299
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also got into OLD way too early after my XH's A. But I did crave "connection". I'm pretty introverted and have a hard time opening up to people at first. OLD ended up being too painful for someone as fragile and raw as I was back then.

I wish I knew about meetup.com back then. I love to hike and last year I joined a hiking group. So much fun and much better than dating! Met and talked to a bunch of people on these hikes. Got much better at small talk and opening up to people.

I joined several more groups; eventually some singles groups where I met my current SO.

I would highly recommend it... But would avoid the "singles" groups for now.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 8:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see no issue with dating for the sake of dating

Ok sure. But what about the people you are dating who are whole and who are looking for a partner, someone who ISN"T married. Yeah, screw them. After all, it's only your feelings that count, right?

Seriously, if you aren't D, you shouldn't be dating because you are still married even if you don't want to be. And if you're still a mess from your D all you're going to do is hurt someone else with your "just dating". Even if you're "honest" that all you are doing is "just dating" whole people won't be interested so all you'll attract are the sort who won't believe you and will be hurt.

Dating isn't a game. It involves 2 people and it's just not fair to the other person if you aren't ready for what you are doing.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can say that you are just dating to be sociable and you don't intend to get involved...but then there is attraction and hormones and sex and bonding and emotions and attachment and voila you are in a relationship that you didn't intend to get into and even worse you weren't careful about who you picked because you thought it was just 'casual' or 'dating just for the sake of dating'

[This message edited by InnerLight at 10:08 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
kernel
♀ 27035
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you want to have some fun, some light-hearted social times, but really, do this with buddies, with family, with volunteer groups and hobby groups.

THIS^^^. A million times this. You won't regret it.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5336 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Got2GO
♀ 26576
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow!
I'm with everyone else. Let the ink dry on the divorce papers first. Enjoy time with friends and family. Enjoy "dating" yourself for a while. Learn to love yourself for a little while before jumping into something so soon.


BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
Maxiom
♂ 26001
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok sure. But what about the people you are dating who are whole and who are looking for a partner, someone who ISN"T married

You must have missed where I said:

It is imperative that you be honest, both with the person you are dating and yourself about your true intentions.

I very much disagree that dating must be about finding the "next one". Date as advertised.. separated and slightly damaged, not looking for anything serious.

I don't see that as frivolous or dishonest.

I dunno.. I just don;t remember a point where dating HAD to be about shopping for a new mate. I dated for years without any intention of ending up in a relationship.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 462 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where I disagree is with the position that dating has to be about finding the next SO. I see no issue with dating for the sake of dating.

We've had others who felt this way too. Invariably, it blew up in their faces because either they got attached or the other person did. It's rare that people can handle casual dating without developing some emotions. It's much easier to just not put yourself in that position until you have healed and are truly ready to move on.


Sometimes the strongest people hide the deepest pain.

Posts: 13832 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slight t/j
Date as advertised.. separated and slightly damaged, not looking for anything serious.

You're aware aren't you that this is the spiel given by many WS as they start merrily down the A path. Oh I'm separated! My marriage is o-v-e-r except for that pesky D. Oh I'm so sad and damaged I need some love from someone who understands me! Oh I'm separated so I can't give you a real R, I'm not looking for anything serious! And what did the AP hear? They didn't hear dating for dating's sake.

And the likelihood that someone wants to date for dating's sake past the age of, idk, 30 or 35? Not very high. It gets tiresome to constantly be around new people after awhile. You start to want some constancy in your social life, even if you never want to M again (which I'm not quibbling with at all).

If I met a man and he said "I'm not looking for anything serious, I'm just dating around", I'd give him a pass because to me the point of dating is to meet people you want seriously in your life, however you define serious (monogamy, partner, marriage, close friend, friend). I don't want anything serious means to me selfishness and I'm going to use you. If that's the sort of person you want to hang around, someone who supports selfishness and is willing to be used, then have at it I guess. I still think you wind up leaving a lot of collateral damage in your wake even if you are unaware of that fact.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ssi0318
♂ 39225
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the 2x4's.

I'm looking into meetup.com


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 11
DDday #2 04/18/2014
DDay #1 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2013
Jennifer99
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this thread. Thank you ssi for asking the question.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
CluelessGuy
♂ 28491
Member # 28491
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll pile on here too, but we have pretty similar stories: same time frame before I dived into OLD, about the same length of marriage and similar kid situation.

In short, don't do it.

If you do, know this. You're playing with fire. It's another cliche but it's true: Broken attracts broken. You're not ready to have a relationship. If you're honest with your potential dates, you won't find many takers unless you are handsome and spend-y and even then the pickings will be slim. And rather shallow. What you are likely to find (unless you live in a big city) is someone in a similar situation ... newly filed for divorce and looking to bury the pain and a boost to their self-esteem. That's what happened to me. Twice. (I had some dates with healthy quality people and they ran for the hills - not because of who I am but what I was going through. Re-read cmego's post.) The first relationship hurt me pretty badly. In the second one, I was guilty of hurting her, although, to be honest, I wasn't completely blameless in the first too. Anyway, I learned a lot from those relationships, but I would have been a lot better off reshaping my new life and career and working on making myself happy on my own.

What I'm suggesting is not easy by any means. As a guy, I think it stings a little extra to get cheated on and you want to get out there and prove yourself. And after all those years of marriage - good or bad - you are used to sharing your life with someone. And it sucks to be without female companionship.

Here's what I would do if I had to do it again. Lean on your existing friends even more. Make some new friends. Indulge your hobbies and/or sports. Lose yourself in work and make a lot of money. You're going to need it to pay your divorce lawyer.

Good luck to you. In closing, I'll just say your life may look like a complete suckfest for now. It gets better. A lot better. Work on yourself and making a better life for your kids. Stay strong, brother.

[This message edited by CluelessGuy at 8:49 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]


BH - early 40s
XWW - early 40s
Two kids

D-Day - Easter 2010
D-Day 2 - July 18, 2010

Divorced - Nov. 26, 2012


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2010
Topic Posts: 20

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