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i don't know who to use my words! - huge trigger yesterday

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bloodstream posted 7/2/2013 09:53 AM

we are 15 months into true r. 2 years from original dday. we've had the usual roller coaster of this crap...but all in all things are very good.

yesterday i had a major trigger.

my only real face to face moment with ow was at h's homecoming from AFG. (she was on the deployment with him, AFG is where the a occurred) she stared me down with a look that could kill as i got to give my h a hug for the first time in over a year. homecomings are amazing. at least they are supposed to be... and each one before this one was. i can see her glaring at me and can feel those feelings just as if it happened now, if i let myself. but i don't. or at least i try not to. in r i try to stay in the present and focus on my h and i and what he is doing now to heal our m and to be the man i he wants to be.

anyway... i went to a homecoming yesterday. my cousin's h came home from AFG and i was so thrilled to be there to share in such an amazing day. i wasn't sad while i was there, but later that evening describing the events of the day and homecoming to my h, i got sad. it brought a lot of those feelings back and i cried.... a lot.

he tried to be comforting at first. but then when i was still upset after the point that he found acceptable i suppose, he started to get irritated. and i am so very bad at explaining my feelings verbally i didn't know how to communicate what i was feeling. i was just sad dammit! i just wanted to be able to sit there and cry and let it out and have him hold me and tell me it will be ok i guess.... but with him getting irritated (clearly), i tried to stop crying... which only made me cry harder! does that make any sense? the harder i tried to pull it together, the more i seemed to cry. i felt like saying... "i am sad dammit, just let me cry until i am done!"

he said he felt under attack and defensive and that there was nothing he could do for me so he felt like sh*t. that is not what i was trying to do! i don't want to ever make him feel that way. we are doing well... things are progressing and they are good for the most part... it was just that homecoming really hit me hard.

we live on a military base... homecomings happen all the time he said. yes, but this is the first one *i* have been to since yours, i said. it really affected me in way i didn't expect... that i was sorry. i was not trying to move backward or bring things up to hurt him.... i was just hurting and sad dammit!!!

i couldn't seem to express anything clearly to him... and i wanted to. he was under the impression that i just *wanted* to be sad and was *stuck* in a downward spiral. i'm not on his timeline of healing or whatever, i suppose. which just got me more and more wound up. it sucked.

he ended up telling me he loves me, but was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep... that i should take some sleep medicine since i was so upset. he said before we went to sleep, "i'm sorry that you are so sad"

all that to ask, does anyone out there get what i was feeling or what happened to me? do i make any sense at all??? how to i effectively communicate how i feel to my h?

i'm sure this post is rambling... i suck at talking, writing, .... using my words in general.

thank you so much for any help... it's almost 11am here and i'm still in bed. pathetic.

forgivingnow posted 7/2/2013 10:15 AM

You had a trigger to the trauma you have experienced. You did get thru it though, the next one will be easier. You said you wanted him to hold you and tell you it would be ok. Tell him when you are sad that is what you need and you feel loved when he is not irritated and defensive when you are sad. Don't worry about being sad in front of him, the two of you need to move forward, together, and that is going to mean sometimes he feels not good about himself when you are sad. This is a process.

unfound posted 7/2/2013 10:47 AM

I think you communicated it just fine. problem is, it's probably hard for him to understand ... still, part of being "there" for you is just that.. being THERE.

explain that sometimes triggers aren't directly related to what he's doing NOW, and can be just as frustrating and confusing to you as it is to him.

talk with him about what you need when a trigger happens (chances are, there will be others in the future). explain that you don't know how long it might last, but it helps when he's patient with you and rides it out wtih you. let him know that you are having trouble finding the words to explain it, and that it's not your intention in the least to make him feel bad, but are turning to him to help make you feel better, to allow him to comfort, reassure and go through it WITH you, whether or not he can make it go away or just be there while you process it. remind him that turning toward him in those times is a sign of you rebuilding trust in him in being vulnerable and exposing your fragile emotions to him.

it's a learning process for him too. that was always hard for me to remember/accept... as long as he's willing to keep learning and accept that while the trigger might be rooted in what he DID, it's not a reflection of what he's doing NOW. sometimes it's all about the bs and the bs alone, and he'll have to take his own emotion and emotional response out of it in order to help you.

does he understand the concept of triggering, or is it just how he handled the aftermath of it?

Ladyogilvy posted 7/2/2013 13:04 PM

I just read "Hard Week Ahead" by guiltfilled11 and then your post. The contrast in empathy by BS is vivid. My WH has been very slow to show any signs of empathy. From the very first day he was forced in to admitting an A, he wanted me to be over it. H spent the next year lying to me and being angry at me for for my being upset. It's only over the past year he's even started to work on things and it has been a slow painful process. I don't think you are expressing yourself poorly at all. You really shouldn't have to explain yourself to begin with. He hurt you profoundly. He should be understanding and supportive when you show that hurt. I hate to see you take responsibility for the fact that your WH is not making his first priority showing his remorse for causing your pain. I think he is still being selfish and more concerned about how your pain effects him than how his behavior effects you. What he hasn't figured out is, his selfishness will only delay your healing. He's not helping himself my being so selfish.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 1:39 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 7/2/2013 13:22 PM

This is a process that takes times. I have noticed and have read in various places that the average time is 2.5 years to heal.

I found that sharing everything I was going through with my husband helped tremendously.

I believe it was about 2 years when I actively tried not to always bring up the affair and then was able to slowly taper off talking about it.

You are suffering from post traumatic stress. What you have been through (betrayal, the destruction of the foundations of your life) is a trauma so big that your body responds exactly as if you had been in a major vehicle crash or war. Your husband should be able to relate to that.

It will take years to get beyond it. Let yourself feel everything you need to feel.

Your husband's job is to stand by and hold you and reassure you while you ride the emotional rollercoaster from hell he placed you on.

You associated the homecoming with his homecoming which you associated with the OW. That's how triggers work. All normal and understandable.

You are not pathetic. You are hurt.

Don't beat yourself up over this, your reaction is understandable and we all get it.

Stand tall and if you are comfortable, have your husband read this thread. Might help him understand where you are coming from.

Good luck. (((hugs)))

bloodstream posted 7/2/2013 20:07 PM

thank you so much for the replies.... it means a lot. it helps to not feel so alone or crazy....


does he understand the concept of triggering, or is it just how he handled the aftermath of it?

no, i don't think he does understand the concept of a trigger.

i pretty much stayed in bed all day. (my poor son!) when h got home, he said he could tell i was still in a "funk", and that he wasn't going to just let me stay there. wth? what's he going to do?

tomorrow i resolve to have a better day. i have to.

thanks again to everyone.

StrongerOne posted 7/2/2013 20:50 PM

Print out yr post and give it to him. It is very clear. It can be hard not to feel "I have to defend myself" when someone you love is upset because of something you did. Doesn't have to be an A, even. The words in paper might be easier for him to process, kwim?

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