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How will NC help us?

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jct94 posted 7/2/2013 10:45 AM

I found out my WH has been seeing the OW again. I will be kicking him out Monday. I have tried kicking him out 2x since saturday, but he won't leave. He just says he'll leave when he's ready? Last night he said he would leave when the kids were asleep, but he's still here. The OW is pushing him to live with her. I'm begining to think he doesn't really have any intentions of leaving.

Anyway monday before he goes to work I'll be able to get his house keys and take his stuff to him before he gets off so he won't have a choice then. When I kicked him out last time, he always wanted me there, he wanted me to be there all the time, he also was aloud to come whenever he wanted from 11-1 until 8-9 sat & sun. lunch breaks during the week. I picked him up at 10 wednesday because we had appointments and he would stay with the kids.

We had 1 car at the time but he said when we got the new one he would come around 11 during the week and stay until it was time to leave for work 3:15. He also would ask to ride along w/ me if I went somewhere. Isn't all that what made him miss me and want to come back?

When I kick him out I am giving him 2 weekdays from 12-3 and sat & sun 1-5 he will have to come here, but I will leave before he gets here. Won't this push him closer to the Ow?

itainteasy posted 7/2/2013 11:09 AM

But, he's already choosing the OW.

If he wanted to R, NC would help because you have to cut the AP out of your lives. No Contact does that.

If he's still choosing to see her, then personally, I think you should start the 180 (see the healing library).

The 180 isn't to get the wayward spouse back, rather it's to make you stronger. It's to help you detach. By all means, get him out of your house. He can't have you both. If he won't choose you, then you choose for him.

Sometimes the 180 can snap a WS out of the fog and make them realize just what it is that they are losing.

Sometimes it leads to divorce because the WS doesn't want to save the marriage.

You know what's best for you, but if he's still in the affair, then he is NOT in the marriage, and why should he get the benefits of a marriage?

I hope someone else will be along to give you advice..


Amazonia posted 7/2/2013 11:15 AM

Won't this push him closer to the Ow?

First, it doesn't sound like he really wants to be with her. Maybe a harsh dose of reality will wake him up.

Second, do you really want to share him? I've always been more of an "all or nothing" person.

Third, and IMO most important (maybe I should have led with this ), NC is for you. You need to get closer to you (i.e. take good care of yourself). You need to draw your boundaries and demand the kind of treatment you deserve. If he's too weak to give you that, then you deserve better than him.

jct94 posted 7/2/2013 11:18 AM

Ok, I just don't understand why he is doing this again. I knew I should have insisted on him quitting his job, the other day we had a long talk and made him look at me, I held his hand and I mentioned that I thought he needed to leave and I needed to move on he started crying, so hard he could hard he could barely talk. He said he does love me and can't stand the thought of someone else with me. Then the next day it's back to he doesn't know what to do.

Amazonia posted 7/2/2013 11:59 AM

Well right now, you're letting him have his cake and eat it too. He has you and OW as long as he keeps stringing you both along. And you're letting it happen by letting him stay.

You control how you let people treat you. Unless your behavior changes (think training a dog or potty training a child - if you keep letting them get away with the "wrong" behavior and not doing anything about it, they will have no reason to change), there's no reason he should change his.

He is being selfish. He's looking out for what's best for him. Your job is to look out for what's best for you, because he obviously isn't doing that on your behalf like a spouse should.

You kick him out because you deserve better. The bakery is closed; no more cake.

1Faith posted 7/2/2013 12:07 PM


Oh my goodness. I just read your profile and you have 8 children? That in itself is worth a medal.

(((big hugs)))

You can't push him toward the other woman. He has chosen to be with her. Throughout your R and he has continued to lie to you and your family.

Get to a lawyer and find out your rights with regards to him leaving, along with temporary child support, alimony, etc.

This hasn't stopped because you haven't demanded it stop. There have been no true consequences for his actions. He cries and apologizes and goes right back to square one.

Set your boundaries. Demand that he follow through. You deserve better than this as do you children.

Good luck. Stay strong.

BeautifulEmpty posted 7/2/2013 12:50 PM

It's quite possible he's dragging his feet to avoid child support....the second he's gone, you can file and with 8 children...I can imagine he's going to be quite a bit lighter in the wallet. OW may be asking him to stay with her blah blah blah but once she realizes how hefty cs for 8 kids will be...things will heat way up. He may even come back crawling on his own because of this so be forewarned.
The next consideration, the law. I don't know where you live but in my case, I couldn't kick my husband out. He had legal right to stay in our marital home until we were officially divorced or legally separated. So he had as much right as I did to stay here even though I own the house from before our marriage. He didnt have right to any share of it but since it was out marital home, he could stay.
Idk how smart your H is about stuff like that. Mine wasn't but his OW was. She loved to tell me how I couldn't kick him out. She was actually in our home (I didn't know she was OW. She was my friend who needed a place to stay) and I had to legally give her 20 day notice despite the fact that she was trashing my house during this time.
Contact a lawyer ASAP and find out the rules, then enforce them. If he doesn't have to leave, take up a separate bedroom if you haven't already and 180 him so hard he doesn't know what hit him. As soon as he sets foot out the door to actually leave, file for child support and change the locks. I honestly don't know which to do the fastest.

hopingforhappy posted 7/2/2013 12:59 PM

Notice that he did not say that he could not stand to be without you--he said that he could not stand the thought of you being with someone else. Big difference as far as I am concerned.

Ladyogilvy posted 7/2/2013 13:08 PM

My WH refused to leave as well so I had the locks changed while he was at work.

jct94 posted 7/2/2013 13:08 PM

I don't think it's the money. Child support was established last time. I already have paid the divorce lawyer half his fee, and he has agreed if he leaves that he gets $100 out of his check each week and I get the rest. He did this last time as well. He was broke because she wanted $50 each week. Even when she pressed him for more, he told her she knew he has 8 kids. I know it could change but last time he did leave us everything. Monday is the soonest I can kick him out, I won't do it right in front of the kids, and they're gong camping tomorrow anyway, I'm staying here w/ the baby and our 14 yo dd, she doesn't want to be anywhere near him.

1Faith posted 7/2/2013 13:13 PM

Even if it isn't about the money it is about his lack of boundaries and self control.

He's broken and only he can fix that.

Good luck. Stay strong.


gonnabe2016 posted 7/2/2013 13:37 PM

He ... can't stand the thought of someone else with me.

Well isn't HE just lovely? He wants to tuck you away in the house with your 8 kids so that *someone else* can't be with you while he cavorts capriciously with OW right in front of your face basically.

What an asshole.

anewday78 posted 7/2/2013 16:21 PM

It's clear your husband has a double standard: he can spend time and be physical with OW, but you are not to be touched by any other man or it will kill him. Sounds like he has the Madonna-Whore complex. What I'm about to suggest is exactly that - just a suggestion. I think it might give him the jolt back to reality that he needs. So here goes - I think you need to go out on a casual date. Fake a date if you have to with a good looking guy and have your husband come over and babysit while you go out. Have your date pick you up at your house while he's there. You said he freaked out the last time he thought you went on a date. Imagine how he'll feel when he sees it's real. Perhaps it's the jolt he needs.

karmahappens posted 7/2/2013 16:32 PM

Good girl....glad to hear you are not going camping with him.

Kick his ass deserve better! And your daughter deserves to see her mom standing up strong for herself!

You can do this!!!

Housefulloflove posted 7/2/2013 19:29 PM

I fought the concept of NC and the 180 tooth and nail in the beginning. I thought that doing that would be putting the nails into the coffin of my marriage. I wasn't ready to accept that STBX was already nailing that coffin! Trying to stay open and accessible to him was doing NOTHING but giving him opportunities to hurt me more and add to the ever-growing list of offenses. It was also fuel for WH's mentally disordered fire in my case.

When I finally couldn't deal with the stupidity from him and forced myself to try to break contact (because I was out of hope and options) I QUICKLY realized that what everyone here was saying was 100% true! It's about protecting ourselves and detaching so that we can begin to heal whether or not our betrayers attempted to reconcile or not. It felt horrible but nowhere near as bad as the constant abuse I was setting myself up for before.

If a wayward pursues the AP, that wayward wasn't capable of true R anyway. If he/she wanted to save the marriage they would try and not make excuses. They certainly wouldn't blame the person they hurt for putting some distance between the two of them to protect themselves from all the pain being inflicted.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 7:30 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

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