I'm really sorry for your loss, Twice. It seems to add dimensions to go through life's hardships when our support system is not there.
This happened in "our" situation also, where several people died in the family and STBX suffered multiple job loss (NPD and A symptoms arrived on the job, it is believed.)
He shows no empathy for the people's immediate families that died and this was eye opening for me.
Next he is taking our house away and some other things and not emotionally present to go through it with us. As you say, this could very well be the hardest time of life and the person counted on the most is...absent.
These are things that I feel the same as you about and some of the things that finally pushed me to interview lawyers. The realization of how little care he had/has, I just could not live with.
I also did not want my children subjected to any more hurt and out came Mama Bear, even though it is their very own father-no one hurts my children and gets away with it, and he snuck out in the middle of the night to pursue his life with OW, so that basically sealed the deal.
I'm sorry for your hard times and sorry for your questioning your life's journey.
I will add in closing that I am a child of divorce (this is fascinating repletion for STBX). My mother disclosed to me years later that she waited until we were of legal age before she abandoned my father in the very same way.
I can hear those words echo in my head 15 years later and still, I cry. No child ever should have to hear that they were a reason for a grown up's continued misery and it almost felt like she used us as a kind of excuse, because she was filled with fear, also, to leave. We were a little bit like a crutch.
Also, kids have a way of sensing a parent's misery and hers was very big and she could not conceal it any longer, as time went on. I think she stayed four or five years and her misery built inside and nearly destroyed her.
Ironically, she is narcissistic and my father authoritaritian and both did not want to work with the other to try to fix things. Each decided on their own that the other would not do their "share", so all of our lives were changed forever for it.
But you know, looking down the road to now, all of us kids see each parent as a separate person and each is happy to some degree (though Dad less likely to admit, if you know what I mean, some people just never do).
I'm sorry to write so long, but I try to share that point of view as when I was a kid. To see my mother in her misery shamed me and made me cry and made my siblings have anger and behavior they didn't know how to deal with.
In regard to uprooting your kids, I have that happening as our house we built goes up for sale and I watch it all go down in flames through my tears.
Kids are not as resilient as people think, but also have feelings.
One thing I would wonder is, have you ever thought of something like taking a small trip alone, just to see what it's like? Even not expensive, but spending some time alone that's not even a separation? Just to see?