"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

twicedestroyed posted 7/2/2013 11:28 AM

I'm 4 years out and while not as bitter and angry, I'm still not over it. I mean, I have "gotten" the why and very seldom does his A even really bother me, but my life is changed. I just don't feel it for him. He really does try to do everything right, but it's still not enough. I just don't feel the love he says he has (and I know he does) for me. It's just not there.
I think for me it is more of the timing of the A...literally the day my daughter died and the weeks following he was full into it. I was destroyed and he wasn't there. THAT is what I don't think I will ever be able to forgive.
I have a great life, if I was in love with my husband, but I'm just not. I don't want to uproot my children and their life, but when is enough enough? Would I be happier divorced, probably not, but will I ever be happy married to him, I don't know...

PinkJeepLady posted 7/2/2013 11:42 AM

(((twice)))
I hear you and am right there with you. I am only a year out, but feel the same way.
I am so sorry about your daughter. I agree that there is something there with the timing, if you will. My WH's cheating coincided with several major life/family events, some sad, some happy. I think that is what I am hung up on as well. How could he even think of it at a time like that?
We are going through the motions of R as well, but I tell you, I am not feeling the love back either. I thought after a year I would have a clear indication of whether this is going to work or not, but I am just as confused as DDay, well maybe not exactly, but still!
We have a lovely family portrait on our wall, pre-cheating. When I look at it I think, that's the H I am in love with, where did he go? Do you feel something similar, like loving the person he was before the A?
I am wondering if you have given yourself "time limits"? I haven't yet, but am wondering if I should?
I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in your thoughts and I am hoping that you will get some good advice.
Please take care!

unfound posted 7/2/2013 11:44 AM

.literally the day my daughter died and the weeks following he was full into it. I was destroyed and he wasn't there

I am so sorry..

has this been specifically addressed in your R?

no choice in this situation is easy, and only you will know when enough is enough and what path you'll choose. there is no wrong choice here I believe. sometimes there are things you can't live with, even when they're in the past and everything else is relatively "okay".

remember though that any choice you make doesn't have to be permanent, whether it's staying int he M, separating or even D.

rachelc posted 7/2/2013 11:46 AM

((twicedestroyed)) i'm so sorry.

you have little ones so a lot to consider. Yet, you deserve that love as well.

lemony.2008 posted 7/2/2013 11:52 AM

((((twicedestroyed))))

I cannot even imagine what it's like to lose a daughter, my heart cries for you.

I don't know if you'd be happier divorced or not. Since you posted in the R forum, I assume you're trying to rebuild your marriage with your husband (I'm not, so can't relate). Perhaps time for MC or IC to explore your feelings?

((((Huge hugs))))

PinkJeepLady posted 7/2/2013 11:52 AM

Thank you unfound for pointing out that choices don't have to be permanent, excellent advice.
Not trying to t/j I just felt like twicedestroyed put words to my thoughts and I really appreciate it.
Those little gems of advice are what has helped me be able to survive the past year, thanks so much.

Ashland13 posted 7/2/2013 11:59 AM

I'm really sorry for your loss, Twice. It seems to add dimensions to go through life's hardships when our support system is not there.

This happened in "our" situation also, where several people died in the family and STBX suffered multiple job loss (NPD and A symptoms arrived on the job, it is believed.)

He shows no empathy for the people's immediate families that died and this was eye opening for me.

Next he is taking our house away and some other things and not emotionally present to go through it with us. As you say, this could very well be the hardest time of life and the person counted on the most is...absent.

These are things that I feel the same as you about and some of the things that finally pushed me to interview lawyers. The realization of how little care he had/has, I just could not live with.

I also did not want my children subjected to any more hurt and out came Mama Bear, even though it is their very own father-no one hurts my children and gets away with it, and he snuck out in the middle of the night to pursue his life with OW, so that basically sealed the deal.

I'm sorry for your hard times and sorry for your questioning your life's journey.

I will add in closing that I am a child of divorce (this is fascinating repletion for STBX). My mother disclosed to me years later that she waited until we were of legal age before she abandoned my father in the very same way.

I can hear those words echo in my head 15 years later and still, I cry. No child ever should have to hear that they were a reason for a grown up's continued misery and it almost felt like she used us as a kind of excuse, because she was filled with fear, also, to leave. We were a little bit like a crutch.

Also, kids have a way of sensing a parent's misery and hers was very big and she could not conceal it any longer, as time went on. I think she stayed four or five years and her misery built inside and nearly destroyed her.

Ironically, she is narcissistic and my father authoritaritian and both did not want to work with the other to try to fix things. Each decided on their own that the other would not do their "share", so all of our lives were changed forever for it.

But you know, looking down the road to now, all of us kids see each parent as a separate person and each is happy to some degree (though Dad less likely to admit, if you know what I mean, some people just never do).

I'm sorry to write so long, but I try to share that point of view as when I was a kid. To see my mother in her misery shamed me and made me cry and made my siblings have anger and behavior they didn't know how to deal with.

In regard to uprooting your kids, I have that happening as our house we built goes up for sale and I watch it all go down in flames through my tears.

Kids are not as resilient as people think, but also have feelings.

One thing I would wonder is, have you ever thought of something like taking a small trip alone, just to see what it's like? Even not expensive, but spending some time alone that's not even a separation? Just to see?

Ashland13 posted 7/2/2013 12:03 PM

correction: fascinating repetition for STBX

twicedestroyed posted 7/2/2013 20:31 PM

Thank you everyone!

Pink, I'm sorry you relate but it is always nice to know you're not alone.

unfound, you gave some great advice.

lemony, yes we are in R. I feel there is a lot more he could be doing, but he is doing all the right things.

Ashland, I appreciate your insight. I split up from my oldest daughter's father always saying "I'd rather her see me happy with someone else than miserable with her father" And I thought I found my happy ending with (F)WH...I'm not miserable with him, but I'm not happy either.
I also grew up with divorced parents and I don't think it affected me too adversely, but then again, maybe it did and I'm where I am because of it!
Divorce is just a plain scary option as a SAHM for the last 8 years...with 3 young children and I may just be staying for them at this point, I don't know!

I should probably get back into IC...

[This message edited by twicedestroyed at 8:33 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

blakesteele posted 7/2/2013 21:08 PM

(((twice destroyed)))
I have no words and can only imagine the pain.

I am encouraged your husband is rallying behind you now...but I get that it may be too little to late. someone responded to a recent post of mine and mentioned a biological clock within a BS. Not fully understanding what is meant but think they mean their is a limit to how long a BS can go on in any given state of being. In my post he talks about the static state my M appears to be in. But it COULD be applied to your situation too.

PinkJeepLady...yes, I look at pictures too that happened before the A....had a picture in my office of my wife...it is in a file cabinet right now....I miss it and hope someday to display it once again on my desk. The kicker is...the poor coping mechanism that led to our spouses to have their A was a part of them maybe since childhood...so even pre A it is likely our spouses possessed this disposition...I would also venture to say they were not aware of it either. I say this to hopefully encourage you to see that our spouses now have the choice to admit their is an issue within them and they can work on it or ignore it. Once they make that choice we can decide if we will have the courage to help them as we can or to decide the situation is toxic to us and we need to move on.

Ashland13...so sorry your mother shared what she shared with you...what a heavy burden to lay on your child..no matter what age. To me it is like saying your father and I chose not to work on ourselves and we remained stagnant and miserable because of you. Forgive me if I am way off base...I have two young daughters and they are absolutely a consideration for my wife and I. But that consideration comes in the form of how can we improve ourselves and our marriage so that a more healthy one is modeled for them. I am committed to NOT doing what my parents did. Oh, they divorced shortly after my Dads A...but Dad vanished from my life...he said he did it to spare us the pain of two separate households with two different sets of rules. What this really was, like what I feel your parents did, was take an easy, unhealthy way out....doing us no favors and setting us up for our own set of poor coping mechanisms.

God be with us all.

m334455 posted 7/2/2013 22:37 PM

Folks talk about dealbreakers here --- there's no time limit on it being a dealbreaker.

You know, sometimes it's just ruined. Kind of like if your kid's favorite stuffed animal gets left out in the rain and gets moldy. Even if its the favorite one with all the good memories, it's still ruined and has to go.

sri624 posted 7/3/2013 01:55 AM

i am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. how dare he do that during that time?

my husband did the same thing. he cheated during my pregnancy...and even when i had a miscarriage the year before that.

i am sorry for your loss.

Notmetoo2011 posted 7/3/2013 07:09 AM

(((twicedestroyed)))
I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm almost two years out from DDay and I can relate to your post. WH is doing everything he can but it just isn't enough. I just don't love him the same way anymore. More and more I find myself thinking that this was a deal breaker for me and I'm never going to be able to get past it.

As m334455 said

You know, sometimes it's just ruined. Kind of like if your kid's favorite stuffed animal gets left out in the rain and gets moldy. Even if its the favorite one with all the good memories, it's still ruined and has to go.

Are you seeing an IC or MC? Maybe that would help you figure out what path you want to take.

kiki1 posted 7/3/2013 09:53 AM

((twicedestroyed))
I understand. I feel the same, our love is so different now, seems so facial. I'm 3 years out and R hasnt gone easily. I may not even be in R, just a muddle. I wish i had a clearer understanding of this whole rotten business. should life and relationships be so hard? or am i settling?

DoneWithLove posted 7/3/2013 10:48 AM

I went through a similar situation pre A. I had an emergency c- section becuase my son was dying with every contraction, he was ok as soon as my doc got him out. My H didnt sympathize with what I had gone through or the obstacles I was facing, he basically told me to walk it off after my c- section and didnt even consider that I might be traumatized. I had a hard road ahead of me and he recklessly made it harder. What I don't get is how almost loosing our baby and possibly me didnt open his eyes and make him apreciate his family more, because he cheated on our boys too by spending time with her instead of being at home, spending time with them. He says he will never be able to forgive himself for denying QT with our boys to be with her. Even if we don't stay together, he still has to look at himself in the mirror and at our boys and know that he risked everything for nothing. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 10:52 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]