Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

omg!! major trigger alert!!!

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

melamber posted 7/2/2013 14:30 PM

So a little back story so you understand.
WH had EA with co-worker. Thier 1st kiss, ,was when WH went out on a night out with work.
So tonight, 9mths on, the 1st time since d-day he mentioned going on a night out with the lads from work. And how do i feel about it. And even asked if he could go because he would like to.
My reaction well
And of course WE had the hr of me crying and him reassuring me.
So he was going out tonight for something else, nothing to do with work. Ill be honest ive found it hard and just getting comfortable with him doing that.
I know to be in this marriage i have to try and trust and he needs to have a "life" for us to "work".
But now im sat here on my own and having a big nasty ugly trigger.
I keep thinking of them enjoying themselves on that night and its just to close to the date of that night with her.
Think im going to go crazy

[This message edited by melamber at 2:31 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Jrazz posted 7/2/2013 14:35 PM

So he was going out tonight for something else, nothing to do with work. Ill be honest ive found it hard and just getting comfortable with him doing that.

Hon, he shouldn't be going out with the lads or ANYONE right now. It's so early, and your pain is so raw. I think it's really insensitive.

Asking your "permission" is treating you like a mom and he's grounded or some crap.

He shouldn't be asking, not now at the very least. Is it possible for you to tell him that until he's helped restore your heart and trust his evenings might be better spent putting an activity together for the two of you rather than sending you to triggertown alone?


Lifechange posted 7/2/2013 14:42 PM

You're still very sensitive, and not healed yet.

This is normal. This is not your fault.

I would prefer to see him more interested in comforting you at this point in your R than in giving his "life" a priority.

That doesn't mean anything bad is going on, just that something bad DID go on, and you are reeling from that.

I would feel the same way.


huRtZ413 posted 7/2/2013 14:51 PM

His life I use to believe that crap too I believe it to a point career and hobbies. But you guys are married as ONE why can't you go with him why wouldn't he want to spend every chance he got to be with you? I gave my WS sooooo much time for his life granted he never took advantage of it , instead he waited for a work opportunity out of town ...well not waited not like he planned to cheat but it played out that way .

Still I guess I never understood the NEeD to have your OWN life I get you need you time or time with friends but that's not your own life that's just rare occasions not a regular thing ...idk I'm lost with this

I don't think he should be going out

heartache101 posted 7/2/2013 14:53 PM

No way in you know where would my WS go out 9 months after. He has not went out without me since his affairs almost 20 years ago. It is not happening! I don't go out to bars without him and he doesn't go out without me. Period... Oh well I almost forgot I did go out on a bachelorette party but that was it..
He goes golfing with his boys and fishing family stuff. He also fishes with the few friends but they usually have kids with them. There is no drinking and no bar hopping.
You have to decide how you are going to live YOUR life..

melamber posted 7/2/2013 14:53 PM

See my heart is(even with tonight) screaming at him to not go.
But my head is telling me i need try and be ok with him going out or doing things like tonight, his computer group thing, or he will go anyway.
I feel if i dont let him have a "life" then he will go anyway.
He hasnt done or said anything to make me think or feel this way its just in my head.
So when did your WS have a "LIFE". Am i rushing things, to get them back to the way they were? I just miss the "ol" us. The US that just did things together or apart without it being full of pain and uncertainty.

Jrazz posted 7/2/2013 15:00 PM

Melamber, he needs to be making these choices on his own.

You are allowed to tell him how you feel. He is allowed to choose whether to respond with compassion or selfishness.

Then you choose whether you want to be with a partner who utterly disregards your feelings.

I know it's scary - the feeling of losing control over the situation and "chasing him away" is strong, but you can't live your life like this - pleasing him and then sitting at home with knots in your stomach. It's a no win either way. The only relief is going to come from it being HIS choice to be present in your life, your healing.

Do you want to be with him regardless of how he treats you? That's not safety or happiness. That's fear of the unknown if he chooses to walk out that door after it's been made abundantly clear that he should be working on his marriage, not his pub tab.

Many of us have been scared of what would happen if we drew the line, but you're not ever going to feel free of this panic unless you put the ball in his court.

Lucky posted 7/2/2013 15:12 PM

I know to be in this marriage i have to try and trust and he needs to have a "life" for us to "work".

So when did your WS have a "LIFE".

His LIFE should be you and your marriage. The only LIFE he should be concerned about is the life commitment to you. If he absolutely feels the need to have a LIFE that doesn't include you - well, he's just not that into you, right?

Everyone should have friends, however, they need to be friends of the marriage. They need to be friends that you both are comfortable with and can trust and do things together as a couple. If you do things separately then it should be something you have a choice to be included or not.

melamber posted 7/2/2013 15:25 PM

Thanks for your replies. Jrazz your comment has struck home. I just dont know what to do or whats right for me to expect from my WH.
Should i expect him to do nothing unless its with me?
Im so tired of the mind movies ,the constant question on IT all of it including this topic. I feel my mind never rests. Its so draining and it never stops. Will it ever stop??

Jrazz posted 7/2/2013 15:28 PM

Don't think of it so much as black and white. I think that the bigger the limits, the bigger the anxiety. Of course he's not expected to be stapled to your side, but going out with friends and leaving you with home is a pretty textbook lame move to pull on your BS.

Have you expressed any of this to him, yet? I'm hoping he may surprise you by being receptive. You won't know until you try.

Trust your gut. Listen to your heart. You want someone who cares about what you're feeling.


ETA - Yes - the crazy mind tornado DOES calm down after time. The trick is either to be in R with a compassionate FWS, or to get out. Any other permutation is going to perpetuate the rollercoaster. This doesn't mean you have to make a drastic move today. Just take small steps towards authenticity, and you will feel relief as you trust you are on the right path.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:29 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

melamber posted 7/2/2013 15:29 PM

His computer thing is my cuppa tea but its something he started and organises. Group of lad chatting about software. Its in a pub and includes drink.
I sort of ok with that. Its his works lad night out nxt week. His not been out since d-day apart from once every mth.
I thought i had to allow him to do some things without me. To be honest ive forced myself to be ok with it.

Lucky posted 7/2/2013 15:50 PM

I thought i had to allow him to do some things without me.

Sweetie if you're not ok with this then you're not ok with this. And that's OK.

Part of R is setting boundaries that you mainly are comfortable with & he should respectfully go along with it.

When you are new to R it's natural to be anxious if your WS is planning to be out and about without you. If you are really anxious and express that then he should give up that activity for awhile - or maybe forever.

You both need to sit down and discuss what makes you comfortable and safe. It's his job as part of a remorseful WS to make you feel safe. If he starts making noise about having a "LIFE" you need to call bullshit. His only LIFE he needs to focus on is the one he made with you. Once he chose to create another "LIFE" with OW he lost all rights to go out to bars etc. with anyone until you feel ok with it.

I personally don't feel couples that regularily go out with the "girls" or the "boys" are in a healthy relationship. People who do this often tend to act like they are still single & this often leads to affairs.
Every once in awhile of course something may come up where one of you has to do something, but the BS should have the option to be included.

[This message edited by Lucky at 3:52 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy