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WS says he feels "helpless"

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PrincessPeach06 posted 7/2/2013 15:51 PM

He told me today that he feels like he is doing all he can but is frustrated because despite all that I'm still a mess. I admit I am, I cried one day because the Verizon site wouldn't load fast enough. :/

He is at work and that's my hardest time because he's not here (thankfully I can go see him whenever I want but I still have a house to run). I am trying to be positive so he can focus on work and not worry about me and as long as I stay busy I'm ok but I don't know how to release my feelings and I don't want to dump it all on him.

Any advice/thoughts? We are doing really really well but are at a loss and don't know what to do. Our next MC appt is next week and we are doing exercises to work through our feelings but at times i just feel a tornado of emotions coming on.

authenticnow posted 7/2/2013 15:56 PM

Your 2nd d-day was a month and a half ago. You need to cry when you need to, talk to WH when you need to, and not feel rushed.

His feelings are his feelings and if he feels frustrated that's his to own. He needs to learn how to deal with that. That's not your problem. If you need to dump your feelings on him, then do it.

You have to feel it to heal it. You can't go around, you have to go through.

He needs to man up. Frustrated? Compared to how you're feeling right now I'd say he can handle it.

Althea posted 7/2/2013 15:58 PM

Do you feel comfortable with your WH reading SI? It might be helpful for him to realize the level of devastation he has inflicted. I couldn't eat for 3 weeks after Dday, and afterward developed ocular migraines from the stress. I broke down into tears at least once a day for I don't know how long.

This isn't a small thing you can just get over. It will get easier, but it takes time. You will have fewer days where you break down. As far as what you can do, if you can afford to get into IC I say do it in a heartbeat. It helped me SO MUCH. Find some hobbies to keep you busy. I started training for a half marathon right after Dday and it helped to work out a lot of anger and aggression

Overall do NOT pressure yourself to heal faster or feel badly about your emotions. Allow them to come. If you push them down they will reappear in ugly ways. It is harder in the moment to allow yourself to feel everything, but at least in my experience it allows a much fuller healing.

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/2/2013 16:06 PM

Thank you both. I am actually hoping I can get him to read this and the responses( although I would be fine with him checking out all the forums). It seems like the emotional roller coaster is a daily thing and his fear is that I will never get over the A. I have good moments and bad ones but it never completely leaves my mind, it's like a dark cloud that won't go away.

atsenaotie posted 7/2/2013 16:17 PM

Hi PrincessPeach06,

My FWW too felt she was doing everything she could, that she was frustrated that I was not responding better - faster. But this was before she really owned her crap and began to work on it.

Any advice/thoughts? We are doing really really well but are at a loss and don't know what to do.

The problem is not you, it is him. you trusted him again 5 years ago, and look what happened? Reasonably, 5 more yours could go by and you still do not feel safe because of your history.

So what is different? What is your WH going to do differently this time? Has he read and discussed with you Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines to try and understand why he has As? Has he scheduled IC to find out why he would have an A, and then 5 years later have another? Have you considered IC for you to learn and practice how to identify and release your feelings? Have you notified the OW BS?

Our next MC appt is next week and we are doing exercises to work through our feelings but at times i just feel a tornado of emotions coming on.

There is something broken in your WH.

...address issues from his childhood that left him unemotionally attached to anyone and bottling up years and years of bitterness and anger.

He needs to work on this and make some progress before he can really have success working on the M and communication with you.

He needs to figure out how to help you feel safe not divorcing him rather than complaining about you having feelings after he betrayed you and the M for a second time. He needs to figure out and then implement a plan to change so that he and you are both confident he is unlikely to have another A. He needs to figure out how to make himself valuable,atractive, and worth being in a relationship with to a person he has hurt so badly.

I released a lot of feelings at FWW in the months after dday. Caqlling them a tornado would be putting it politely. She took it, and stayed. I am not saying she liked the things I said (screamed at) to her, but it was her choice to stay or leave. She wanted to stay. I got the crap out of me by processing it, screaming it, and attending IC. She proved that she wanted to be with me, by taking, acknowledging, and then owning my anger about her A.

ETA: watch sharing the SI forum. I know some couples do, but FWW has lurked here for years reading my posts. She would read my posts to see how I was doing rather than talk to me. Some of my vent posts were not at all what she wanted to read. It also became difficult knowing she could be reading when I wanted to post about thinking of separation and D.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 4:19 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

karmahappens posted 7/2/2013 16:20 PM

It is a dark cloud, but it will go away.

I wouldn't be in MC yet. I would have my H in IC to find his whys. He had an EA five years ago....and then hits you over the head again with a ONS.

He has a lot of heavy lifting to do. This isn't about your marriage. It's about him, his broken-ness and his inability to live life with seeking outside validation.

You need plenty of time to heal. You need IC and a place to feel safe. Sweeping this under the rug (did he get into IC after his first A?) will not help....he will do it again until he finds out why he is coping this way.

(((hugs))) to you. It isn't your job to NOT make him feel helpless. It is HIS job to help make you feel safe and loved.

Lucky posted 7/2/2013 16:32 PM

You have to feel it to heal it. You can't go around, you have to go through.

Exacly! You've had two d-days with the most recent only 2 months ago. That's a major blow & will take a long time to recover and heal.

One thing that helped us was me re-writing "Josephs Letter" to fit our situation. It really opened Mr Lucky's eyes to what I was feeling and why.


his fear is that I will never get over the A.

Which one? Did you two ever deal with the first one? Healing from infidelity can take two to five years. He's cheated twice in five years, as you may have begun to heal from the first one he destroys you again with the second one.

Since you are comfortable with him reading here why don't you go through some of the FAQ's in the Healing Library that you feel will best suit your situation?

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/2/2013 16:50 PM

I apologize as I don't know how to quote and only have an iPhone/iPad to type on but I will try and address everything.

We never addressed the first A, just moved out of state and moved on. Knowing now what I know it was stupid to stay and be so codependent but I thought it was the right thing at the time. Only recently was I able to communicate to him how much it hurt me. He never apologized, never felt bad and never even cared that it hurt me. :(

He told me he kept me at arms length for 16 years because he always KNEW I would hurt him. Everyone in his life did - parents, friends, girlfriends and he never let himself get close enough to anyone because he didn't want to be hurt. He says he was selfish ( admits to narcissistic traits) and never treated me right. Our counseling is free through a large church (still a licensed mental health counselor) and he wants to work with us together as we'll as individually. With 6 kids and crappy insurance it's our best but he is really good.

I went through an addiction to pills and have been sober 8 months yet the OW was a former addict and he thought he was helping her by listening because of what I went through. He even would ask her if she was ok when he NEVER asked me. That kills as much as the sex, I got my act together for him and the kids and got this in return!!!!

I did get "not just friends" today at the library but he is not much of a reader. Mostly I have to tell him what I read and we discuss it.

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/2/2013 17:15 PM

Oh and I never found a phone number/work contact for the OW's husband. I asked the OW for his number (stupid now I know) and don't believe it was correct. All I know is where he works and my husband will only agree to let me contact him if she tries to contact us again. She wouldn't give up, finally I told her to leave us alone and so far nothing. They live over 5 hours away so all I know for sure is his home address and name. He has no Facebook/social media that I could find.

sisoon posted 7/2/2013 18:49 PM

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Crying because a web page loads slowly makes perfect sense to me.

Your H cheated, and he feels helpless because you're a mess? And he always thought you were going to hurt him?

He betrayed you twice and he's defining you as his problem. It sounds like he's set up thought patterns that make you a Persecutor and him a Victim. You're loving, lovable, and capable, and he's keeping you from seeing that.

I know it's difficult to resist his mind games, but IMO that's where healing lies for you.

I urge you to do a 180, to find and rebuild the strengths you already have.

sri624 posted 7/3/2013 01:43 AM

it is not about him, and his needs. it is about you. it took a long time for me to understand that too...and not be afraid of "what he might do" if i was sad all the time. and wanted to talk about it all the time. like the others have is not something you just get have to get through it. it becomes easier to work on you...and really try to heal when you are not worried about how he will react when you trigger. if he feels helpless, then so be it. so do you. all he can do is continue to be accountable, own his mistakes, and just take it when you need to let him know how you feel. over and over.

bottling it up inside will only make things worse. it never works. i know this firsthand.

and you know what...there is something empowering about being able to say how you feel...and no longer be afraid.

atsenaotie posted 7/3/2013 07:36 AM

Good Morning PrincessPeach,

A WS spouse who also has a personality problem is an added layer of complexity and obstacles to a healed and healthy M.

My FWW is not NPD, but has borderline traits. While I am pretty well past the A crap, we both still struggle with intimacy and her traits.

Even for a person who wants to do the work to change, sustained change of personality traits is difficult. Things can become better, much better, but there is no "cure". For your WH, even if he does the work, a lot of work, the NPD perceptions and behaviors will always be under the surface. During times of stress or boredom these traits will come back to the surface. It is hard to re-wire a lifetime of behavior to something new and have it stick permanently.

If your WH is unwilling to face or acknowledge his issues, it will be difficult for him to be a fully functioning M partner. He will filter things through his NPD perception, and his responses and behaviors will be based out of this too.

Like you, I have a new awareness since dday. I no longer take responsibility for FWWs unhappiness, her anger. I also have a healthier view of what I want a M to be, and I have raised the bar for her and I. For me, living with FWW requires that I be very solid in who I am and my boundaries. I set limits so that FWW cannot hurt me anymore. Then I ensure that I have a full and rewarding life even when she is not participating with me. I have shifted focus off of my M and FWW, and on to friends, work, and family. Then, when things do click with FWW I enjoy it while it lasts.

karmahappens posted 7/3/2013 08:00 AM

I am sorry...this is screaming at me

and my husband will only agree to let me contact him if she tries to contact us again

It is NOT up to him. He lost the luxury of being an equal partner in decision making when he drove your marriage into a ditch.

Right now his job is to make you feel safe...anyone you need to call or talk to is your choice..I don't care if you wanna call Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny ...he has NO right to tell you it's not ok.

Stand up for you, please.

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/3/2013 10:46 AM

Thank you for all your words, I have truly lots to think about. I'm going to do a ton of writing and even print out that letter to rewrite it my way.

I have felt so empowered through all of this - with other people - yet I still feel so weak when it comes to him and I don't know why. :/. I had a car issue repair where the dealership was wrong and I fought them up the ladder until someone fixed or for me for free. The old me would have let my H handle it because I hated confrontation. I even answered a call from the OW and was firm and calm with her keeping my head held high while WS basically avoided it all.

Time to get to that reading/writing before tonight. We have a 40 minute trip alone where we can talk.

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