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cantaccept posted 7/2/2013 15:54 PM

8 months out, sort of, we just started to try in late December, so really only 6 months. He left me for her.

Yesterday and today I can barely move, today cannot stop crying.

He is not very good a remorse or soothing. Minimizes and blames.

This morning I had a total meltdown, crying very hard.

He left me a voicemail that he was going to find a way to help me.

today he came home briefly, saw me still sad, depressed. said that if I don't get better he will have to leave because he is cause of my pain and I am not getting better. Says he cannot reach me and it is up to me to be happy.

I feel crazy. I do what I must, go to work, clean, try to make plans to be with people but that is hard as I work weekends and seems opposite froom everyone else.

I just hurt, everyday, it just hurts. I feel depressed, no joy. It hurts even when I feel happy. Is this abnormal? Does anyone else feel so broken down by this? Am I taking too long to recover?

I keep thinking that if he would give the comfort I need this pain would lessen. Maybe I am wrong,

cantaccept posted 7/2/2013 16:02 PM

There is just so much pain inside me. I remember what it was like when he left, how devastated I was, just being alone in my house is a trigger. The nights I was so scared in so much pain. I just cant get past being replaced, even though, he came back, he chose her over me, she was more important

Pudding posted 7/2/2013 16:08 PM

Just want to let you know that you have been heard.

Not sure what can suggest,other than that6 months but is not that long so really. If he is really prepared to work on helping you, it will get better, but he has to work at it. You will get through it, even though it doesn't feel like that now.

As everyone says, make sure you eat and drink enough and get enough fresh air and force yourself to go for a walk or do something physical every day. Take things in little steps one our at a time if need be.

Try to think of one new good thing each hour, even if it is very small. Maybe its nothing to do with him, but is something that makes your life good. Eventually, you will think of some good things about your WS and once you start feeling a little more positive, provided he is making the effort, things will get better.

When you are up to it, get him to read How to Help our Spouse Heal from your affair. It's short but spot on.

He has to make you feel loved and valued again. He has to show remorse and he has to answer all the questions yo want answered. He also needs to go into NC with OW. If he starts to do this, things will get better but it will take a very long time.

I found keeping a mood diary very helpful. Every day I write down how I have been feeling in the day. Te ups and the downs, what things made me better what made me worse etc. When I am I a down day, I look back at what. Wrote on the good days and that helps me see that there is possibly a way through all this. Over time, the bad days will get fewer and more spaced out. Yo can rant and rave as much as you like to an inanimate diary. After a while, eg my FWH read the diary. It really socked him, but it helped him see what things triggered me and then he could see why I was upset when etc.

I hope you feel better soon. I had a dreadful week last week, but am much better this week. We will all keep having triggers and it does take time.

JanaGreen posted 7/2/2013 16:09 PM

First, (((((HUGS)))))

Second:

I keep thinking that if he would give the comfort I need this pain would lessen.

Maybe, but sadly, it looks like he isn't going to do it. It's going to have to come from within you. He hasn't got it in him to help you:

He left me a voicemail that he was going to find a way to help me.

today he came home briefly, saw me still sad, depressed. said that if I don't get better he will have to leave because he is cause of my pain and I am not getting better.

I'm sorry, but that's pitiful. He says he's going to find a way to help you. Then he comes home and sees you bleeding on the rug after he stabbed you, and his big solution is that he's going to leave? OK. I'm sorry, I am sure you love him, but you cannot count on him to help you. 180 for your own sanity. Get in counseling, look into getting on medication. You sound so down and depressed, I'm worried for you.

soveryweary posted 7/2/2013 16:09 PM

Cant, you have a sister here in the same predicament as you.
The crying won't stop, can't sleep, eat either. Even though I know that my WH is despicable.
Sending you hugs from me.
Let's keep each other afloat.

Jrazz posted 7/2/2013 16:13 PM

Everything Jana said.

(((cantaccept)))

(((soveryweary)))

unfound posted 7/2/2013 16:13 PM

he doesn't get to decide what will and will not help you, and honestly, I think him saying he'll leave unless you get better is manipulative..then to add it's because he's the reason for your pain is a way to make it look like he's doing something good.

I don't buy it.

8 months out. 8 months out with someone you say is not soothing, minimizes and blames. if he wants to help, he could start there.

I am sorry you're hurting . that kind of pain and feeling of not being supported is horrid.. just horrid.

are either of you in any kind of ic? mc?

JanaGreen posted 7/2/2013 16:16 PM

I think him saying he'll leave unless you get better is manipulative..then to add it's because he's the reason for your pain is a way to make it look like he's doing something good.


mmm hmmm - I agree. he's tired of dealing with the fallout.

Lucky posted 7/2/2013 16:20 PM

He left me a voicemail that he was going to find a way to help me.

today he came home briefly, saw me still sad, depressed. said that if I don't get better he will have to leave because he is cause of my pain and I am not getting better. Says he cannot reach me and it is up to me to be happy.

Ultimately yes, you are responsible for finding happiness. But he has a major role to play in helping you find that. You can't be happy until you start to feel safe again. Are you in MC with someone who specializes in infidelity? He doesn't sound like he's being remorseful or compassionate about your pain.


.

I feel crazy. I do what I must, go to work, clean, try to make plans to be with people but that is hard as I work weekends and seems opposite froom everyone else
.

Your feelings are absolutely normal for being six months out. It takes a lot of time, as in years, to recover from infidelity.


.

I just hurt, everyday, it just hurts. I feel depressed, no joy. It hurts even when I feel happy. Is this abnormal? Does anyone else feel so broken down by this? Am I taking too long to recover?

Everyone has felt that way. Of course the further you are away from d-day all of that lessens a bit. It all takes time. Are you taking to long to recover? You aren't even in recovery until he begins to help you.


.

I keep thinking that if he would give the comfort I need this pain would lessen. Maybe I am wrong,

You are not wrong.

.

so really only 6 months.

So many of us fell flat on our faces - literally flat on our faces - at six months out. It's really normal, sadly.

lostworld posted 7/2/2013 16:21 PM

Oh honey, your post really touched me; the pain, doubt, and fear are palpable. 6 months is so very early, especially with a WS who is minimizing and rugsweeping.

Very gently, he tells you he's going to help, then comes home for a minute to basically tell you that you're just not over it enough, and that he'll selflessly sacrifice himself by exiting the M to save you?? Escapism, rugsweeping, avoidance, blameshifting, "blame the victim" mentality at its finest.

No wonder you are feeling so awful. There is nothing wrong with your healing; it's only been 6 miserable months, spent with a WS who refuses to own his own stuff and really help you through these hopeless days. You are not abnormal is any way that I can see, and you are not wrong is desiring and expecting him to do everything he can to help you.

Given that he is not overly committed to remorse and reconciliation, it's time to really take care of yourself. Turn the focus inward; NOT to find fault or blame within yourself, but rather to detach a bit from him and get the help you need to begin to find your way through this trauma. Get into IC and strengthen yourself. Work on implementing the 180, nurture your body and mind with good self-care.

I just read your second post. Remember his A was never about you; he didn't replace you or pick anyone over you. You didn't exist in that A; something was missing/broken inside him and he took whatever action placated him. The A was just a feel good hit of selfishness--nothing otherworldly, special or unique, or somehow more than you. This is going to take an enormous amount of time, but you will get through this. With work and time, you'll remember your true worth, and you'll find perspective about all of this mess. It's so early, cantaccept. Take care of yourself as that's the only person you're really in control of...and that really is enough. Hugs.

cantaccept posted 7/2/2013 16:40 PM

Thank you all so much for your support. I have never felt so totally alone. This pain is overwhelming.

I am in IC, would not be able to function without. It helps but does take time. Sometimes like these last 2 days it seems to make the pain worse. Facing things, facing how I allowed him to abuse me for years, verbally, emotionally. How I rationalized and forgave.

I think I am grieving. For my life.

I think that if he were able to truly express his thoughts and feelings about his actions maybe I would feel safer. I cannot assume anything, I thought I knew him and understood him. Now I know I know nothing about him, he is not who I thought, all of my excuses for him were wrong.

I come from an alcoholic home, father, depresses distant mother, dangerous, hurtful, horrific.

I believed h when he treated me like he loved me. First time in my life I felt loved by anyone, appreciated, felt special. to see it was a lie, no one has ever loved me is devastating.

I know, I see, I understand, I must love myself, protect myself, make me happy.

It is not an easy undertaking. It is all so new and confusing. I have never even stopped to consider what makes me happy, all by myself, just for me.

time, time , time

thank you all again so much. It helps to hear I am no too sensitive, too damaged, too wrong.

I think h is just afraid. Afraid to confront who he is and what he is capable of. He keeps telling me he is happy now. So proud of himself, controlling his anger, being nice, no more drinking. Good for him. His heart was not stomped on, he always had the knowledge that I loved him, he was not betrayed, he was not thrown away like a piece of garbage. In addition he had his ego, along with additional parts stroked, by someone new, the high of the new, first kiss, first f##k, why wouldn't he be happy. He lost nothing. Especially if he denies and minimizes my pain, blames it on me.

I almost think he wants me to end it because then he could walk away and at least on the outside, to his family and friends, he could say, "I tried, she just couldn't forgive me"

housenotahome posted 7/2/2013 16:44 PM

(((CantAccept))) I still cry after 2 years and I'm in R. If my H doesn't like it, tough shit. Your WH can't appreciate your authentic pain and would prefer that you fake happiness and forgiveness so that he can continue to live in an inauthentic way. That is simply not good enough. You need to believe that you deserve better, whether he pulls his head out of his ass and starts doing the work, whether you end up with a new partner, or happily on your own. He keeps checking on you and tells you he will help you while he still prolongs your pain. That is emotional blackmail. The fact that you're still able to function at all is remarkable. You have a strength that you need to keep tapping into. Its there and I can feel it along with your pain. Marc and Angel, google it.

Jennifer99 posted 7/2/2013 16:50 PM

I think I am grieving. For my life.

Yep, it exactly. Me too.

Screw what he thinks, what his friends and family think. Worry about yourself and yourself only until you feel strong enough to be brutally honest with yourself about even loving him despite all that you just described.

I'm just getting there.

crazyblindsided posted 7/2/2013 18:08 PM

I just hurt, everyday, it just hurts. I feel depressed, no joy. It hurts even when I feel happy. Is this abnormal? Does anyone else feel so broken down by this? Am I taking too long to recover?

I understand your pain (((cantaccept))) I felt like this every time my WH broke NC with MOW. Every time it reaffirmed he was choosing her over me. It wasn't until I really started focusing on myself (yes thank you 180) and not centering my thoughts around him that I got stronger and demanded respect.

At one point I did have to go on AD's, mood stabilizer, and sleeping pills just to get by. I know meds aren't for everyone, but I couldn't pull myself out of it.

Try to just focus on you 100% of the time and if your WH wants to come back and do the work, let him prove it to you, otherwise I would continue with 180.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I do hope you find some peace soon. Even if you have to go for a massage or go to a movie, maybe try to distract yourself as much as possible.

cantaccept posted 7/2/2013 18:12 PM

He just came home again between umpiring games.

You are choosing to stay lost in this world. you are forcing me to make the decision to leave. No one is reaching you, you have to help yourself.

You are severely depressed, not even functioning. you are scaring me. Your pain is scaring me.

I have chosen to be happy why cant you?

My reply, you choose to not try to help me, you have not been betrayed, you have not had your heart broken.

He got in the car and drove away.

It seems the pattern is he gives me a spark of hope one day and tnen takes it away the next. I have to stop believing.

cantaccept posted 7/2/2013 18:18 PM

He also stated that he has to make decisions for his own life. that he needs to be happy.

I hate him!

I am dying of thirst, I need water so desperately. He is holding it, taking sips for himself and keeping it out of my reach.

I wish I felt no love. What is wrong with me to love someone that cares nothing for me. His happiness is more important than repairing the damage that he has inflicted. How can you be that selfish and cold?

soveryweary posted 7/2/2013 20:08 PM

I so wish I ad the words to help. So, so many of the great people here are able to convey so beautifully what is in their hearts.
Me, not so much, but I feel your pain and am sending you a warm, enveloping hug.

FeelingSoMuch posted 7/2/2013 21:10 PM

Read Melody Beatty's book, Co-dependent no more.

I was in a similar situation and this book helped greatly.

Stay strong. You were hurt by the person you trusted the most, in a horrible way. It's OK to be sad, but you need a plan to eventually return to good health and sanity that can be achieved with or without your WH.

m334455 posted 7/2/2013 22:31 PM

Kiddo, I cried every day for a year and a half. Seriously. 6 HOURS a day for the first 6 months (since I was pregnant and then postpartum so my hormones weren't helping.)

There wasn't jack shit anyone could have done about it.

I think once about 15 months after Dday WH found me sitting on the floor of the shower crying and got frustrated the way you're describing your WS. I pretty much told him to man up and deal. That I'd be hurt until I wasn't and when I wasn't hurt anymore that's when he should get REALLY scared because that's when I wouldn't care all that much.

You are so, so normal. So normal.

girlsbird posted 7/3/2013 00:16 AM

Oh honey...((((((((HUGS)))))))

My heart is just breaking for you right now. You have to take care of yourself. Your worth so much more than this.

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