I am tired of having to learn about all these things that I never even knew existed – cognitive dissonance (what the heck IS that? and please tell me I am not the only one still battling to figure it out – I’m feeling fragile here!) dependent personality, passive-aggressive, compartmentalisation, co-dependency…. All this stuff.
I am tired of all the books. “Not Just Friends” (while I’m at it let me just put it out there, there were some things about that book that reaaaaally bugged me.)”My Husbands Affair became the best thing that ever Happened to Me”, ”How to Help your spouse heal”, “Getting Past Your Break-up” <=(he clearly wasn’t doing much to help me heal when I felt I needed this one!), “Getting Past the Affair”, “Relationship Rescue”, Co-dependent No More, “Love is a Choice”, “After the Affair”, "Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder"…. The online book-stores are doing GREAT out of this! I’ve read them all. I feel like I could get my Phd in Infidelity.
I am tired of the confusion. Do I love him? Yes. Do I hate him? Yes. Do I want to stay married? Is that a trick question? Can I phone a friend? Depends what day of the week it is…
I am even tired of the abbreviations. Be honest, who knew FOO? Just when I have my head around DD (=darling daughter) it becomes DD (=D-Day) PA… I truly believed that all these people were doing their Personal Assistants when I first got here!
I am tired of feeling…humbled. I have no doubt you are simply dying to know why I feel humbled, so I will do the charitable thing and enlighten you:
I am humbled by the fact that a small part of me still feels that I wasn’t good enough for my husband. I feel like I failed at being a wife. (And I KNOW it had nothing to do with me..yadda, yadda, yadda… but still….)
I am humbled by the fact that I have become THAT person…. The one the neighbours hear having screaming matches
I am humbled by the fact that I, little timid me? surely not!, slapped my husband on two occasions. Heaven knows I never dreamed I would be THAT person.
I am humbled by what other people think.
I am humbled by the fact that I lost SO much weight on the infidelity diet and I was looking GOOD and everyone was talking about it and now… the weight is slowly climbing back on and I just don’t have the... energy? Wherewithal? Desire?...to stop it.
I am humbled by the fact that I lost so much hair. (stress related hair loss, who knew it even existed?) My hairdresser is very creative and has almost managed to make it look like I still have hair… but let’s be honest, about a third of it is just. Gone.
I am humbled by the fact that every now and again I post stuff here on SI where I make it sound like I have this all together, where I sound quite “know it all”… like I have a clue what I am doing….like I CAN do this…. Only to realise hours/days later that I really have NO IDEA what I am doing, that I have SO not got a handle on any of this and that I really don’t know if I can do what is required of me at all…. It’s VERY humbling and horribly cringe-making too.
I am humbled by how much work I need to do on ME. By how much work still needs to be done. By how much of my thinking has been seriously messed up for such a very long time, without me even knowing it.
I am humbled when I read of others who are 6 months/9 months/11 months out and they are doing FABULOUSLY… they are having romantic date nights, passionate sex, deep meaningful conversations…. They are NAILING it. And here I sit…. Well let’s just say at this point I do not feel like an over-achiever in ANY of those areas….
I am also humbled by the only living person I have communicated with who is also a BS (not to say that any of you are dead, just that you are not right here in my living-room, a living, breathing being as it were) My eldest daughter kindly introduced me to a lovely woman from her church, who is a BS. They are reconciled. Her D-Day was just over two years ago. She is without a doubt a saint. She exudes peace, acceptance, calm and love from every pore. I want to wring her neck… I am THAT person, the one who wants to wring the neck of a lovely, kind, gracious, gentle lady who has been nothing but sweet to me.
What is wrong with me?? Why am I finding this so HARD? Why can I not get over it already? Or at least feel that I am getting somewhere? It’s 10 months people. I am officially an infidelity toddler. Not a babe in arms anymore. Why am I being such a cry-baby tonight??
Slap me. Talk some sense into me. Better yet, send me on a cruise. And I want the pretty frou-frou drink with the umbrella please. And keep them coming!
I was in a similar place around that time (plus a list of rages to boot), and then again a couple of years out. you just get .. tired. of it all.
if you're doing it wrong, then so did I, and a whole slew of others, and look, we turned out fine ..
don't measure your healing on the timeline of others. for some (like me), it just takes as long as it takes. so there.
I could have written it word for word! Especially loved how you describe what still makes you humble.
Just this weekend, I had 2 graduation parties, and a night out with a girlfriend with the frou-frou drink. Everyone just says how wonderful I am doing, how together I am, blah blah.
But inside, I am feeling everything you described. And just yesterday, had a crying fit when I went to bed, because I missed him, and hated him at the same time remembering times - that were confusing/weird and that I didn't listen to my gut.
Then I woke up and of course I'm feeling fine and hey "onward and forward, it's a new day, and lets just not live in the past"!
But Yes, I too am tired of all this infidelity stuff.
I suggest we all book a cruise with all the BS from SI, and let's all celebrate our new chance in at a new beginning in our lives!!
It’s 10 months people. I am officially an infidelity toddler.
..there's your answer,..
..sorry you're struggling but your timeframe of 10 months out tells me you ain't seen nothin' yet
I feel like I could get my Phd in Infidelity.
..at over 4 years out, I could relate to much of your post, still...
..read all the books, know all the lingo, SI member 3+ years.. Yup, I'm tired of this quagmire.
..and yes, a cruise with little umbrella drinks might make me feel a little better.
..sending hugs of support during this very sad and difficult journey on which we find ourselves.
And one beer.
Nothing, nothing at all, you are simply attempting to deal with one of lifes biggest injustices.
Why am I finding this so HARD?
Because it IS hard, all of it is hard.
Why can I not get over it already?
You'll likely never "get over it" you will get through it.
Or at least feel that I am getting somewhere?
I think BS's spend a lot of time feeling as though they are spinning their wheels because it does take such a long time (longer than any of us previously thought) to deal with the shit sadnwich that is betrayal.
Why am I being such a cry-baby tonight??
Because tonight, that is how you feel... (((Hugs)))
[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 4:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
No seriously I am 16 months out and your post really resonated with me. I really am tired of this crap too and often wonder when I'll actually feel normal again, whatever that is now.
"Look, as sentient meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgments. Everybody judges, all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, you’re living wrong."
It's all still very much front and center in your mind. I function like any other person, work, friends, family... life is as normal on the outside, no one would ever suspect. But it's like I have another me right beside me, who's always remembering, thinking, comparing, evaluating...
And it's exhausting, just exhausting.
But for a lot of things, my "give-a-f...." broke quite some time ago, and I don't get worked up over other things or events as I once would have, you have to draw a line somewhere.
Honey, you need a break, some time out and away from all this stuff going on in your head.
Can you get away, take a few days off for yourself, somewhere where people are there to take care of you, indulge you, treat you. Even a couple of nights in a nice hotel, treating yourself to room service and a good book.
Take care of yourself honey.
Really nice post.
Take some time out for YOU and only you. Its OK to be tired, to cry, to be humbled.
Sending you strength and love.
I feel the same sentiments...so much so..I opted out of the PHD in Infidelity program (with a minor in "Books about Infidelity That Don't Really Help")... and now I am on the fast track Divorce program.
At least here, there are fewer questions, and you can go on a cruise anytime you want!
Thanks for the invite to your pity party...hope you feel better soon ox..
"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was
small part of me still feels that I wasn’t good enough for my husband. I feel like I failed at being a wife. (And I KNOW it had nothing to do with me..yadda, yadda, yadda… but still….)
THIS. So true.
Hugs to you. Have that yummy drink!
It helps so much to know I'm not alone in all of this and that you guys are there to pick me up, dust me off, place a frou-frou drink in my hand and stand me on my feet again when necessary.
Seriously, where would we be without SI??!
your timeframe of 10 months out tells me you ain't seen nothin' yet
Thought it was just me who had to keep looking each one up again and again to try and keep them straight (most of them I ended up thinking I had).
I think BS's spend a lot of time feeling as though they are spinning their wheels because it does take such a long time (longer than any of us previously thought) to deal with the shit sandwich that is betrayal.
and often wonder when I'll actually feel normal again, whatever that is now
Sick of thinking about it, sick of talking about it, sick of NOT talking about it.
I am 7 months pregnant, sweaty, and the size of a whale AND I can't have that pink drink
Can you get away, take a few days off for yourself
Take some time out for YOU and only you.
^^you've got me thinking...I'm going to work on this!
Thank-you Reality, fist-bump right back atcha!
It has taken me 3+ years
I feel the same way....you are thinking my thoughts.
I opted out of the PHD in Infidelity program (with a minor in "Books about Infidelity That Don't Really Help") ^^ LOVE this! LOL!
Sadly, it's now our lives.
the answer is a permanent cruise
As jackie89 said:
hey "onward and forward, it's a new day, and lets just not live in the past"!
there was this time, right at the beginning, when I read a post and the guy said something along the lines of 'my WW went to the (park, car? I can't remember, anyway she went somewhere) to have sex with MOM.' I read this and sat there thinking "Dude! Your wife had sex with your mother! Holy-Moly! Doesn't that beat just about everything?!" Slooowly realisation dawned... hang on... wait.... M-O-M.... Married Other Man. Shew! Relief! Had me going there for a while!!
[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 1:54 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]