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User Topic: Feeling.... tired! Humbled! Over it!
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
What?  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you also sometimes get just really……tired of this? I am SO tired of being a BS. I just want to get on a cruise ship or something and drift away from it all, sip a cocktail, make that a few, and not even THINK about any of this. I’m exhausted. And I’m sitting here all alone having a mammoth pity party. Welcome! Do come in!

I am sure you’re sitting on the edge of your seat wanting me to tell you what I am tired of, so I will:

I am tired of having to learn about all these things that I never even knew existed – cognitive dissonance (what the heck IS that? and please tell me I am not the only one still battling to figure it out – I’m feeling fragile here!) dependent personality, passive-aggressive, compartmentalisation, co-dependency…. All this stuff.

I am tired of all the books. “Not Just Friends” (while I’m at it let me just put it out there, there were some things about that book that reaaaaally bugged me.)”My Husbands Affair became the best thing that ever Happened to Me”, ”How to Help your spouse heal”, “Getting Past Your Break-up” <=(he clearly wasn’t doing much to help me heal when I felt I needed this one!), “Getting Past the Affair”, “Relationship Rescue”, Co-dependent No More, “Love is a Choice”, “After the Affair”, "Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder"…. The online book-stores are doing GREAT out of this! I’ve read them all. I feel like I could get my Phd in Infidelity.

I am tired of the confusion. Do I love him? Yes. Do I hate him? Yes. Do I want to stay married? Is that a trick question? Can I phone a friend? Depends what day of the week it is…

I am even tired of the abbreviations. Be honest, who knew FOO? Just when I have my head around DD (=darling daughter) it becomes DD (=D-Day) PA… I truly believed that all these people were doing their Personal Assistants when I first got here!

I am tired of feeling…humbled. I have no doubt you are simply dying to know why I feel humbled, so I will do the charitable thing and enlighten you:

I am humbled by the fact that a small part of me still feels that I wasn’t good enough for my husband. I feel like I failed at being a wife. (And I KNOW it had nothing to do with me..yadda, yadda, yadda… but still….)

I am humbled by the fact that I have become THAT person…. The one the neighbours hear having screaming matches

I am humbled by the fact that I, little timid me? surely not!, slapped my husband on two occasions. Heaven knows I never dreamed I would be THAT person.

I am humbled by what other people think.

I am humbled by the fact that I lost SO much weight on the infidelity diet and I was looking GOOD and everyone was talking about it and now… the weight is slowly climbing back on and I just don’t have the... energy? Wherewithal? Desire?...to stop it.

I am humbled by the fact that I lost so much hair. (stress related hair loss, who knew it even existed?) My hairdresser is very creative and has almost managed to make it look like I still have hair… but let’s be honest, about a third of it is just. Gone.

I am humbled by the fact that every now and again I post stuff here on SI where I make it sound like I have this all together, where I sound quite “know it all”… like I have a clue what I am doing….like I CAN do this…. Only to realise hours/days later that I really have NO IDEA what I am doing, that I have SO not got a handle on any of this and that I really don’t know if I can do what is required of me at all…. It’s VERY humbling and horribly cringe-making too.

I am humbled by how much work I need to do on ME. By how much work still needs to be done. By how much of my thinking has been seriously messed up for such a very long time, without me even knowing it.

I am humbled when I read of others who are 6 months/9 months/11 months out and they are doing FABULOUSLY… they are having romantic date nights, passionate sex, deep meaningful conversations…. They are NAILING it. And here I sit…. Well let’s just say at this point I do not feel like an over-achiever in ANY of those areas….

I am also humbled by the only living person I have communicated with who is also a BS (not to say that any of you are dead, just that you are not right here in my living-room, a living, breathing being as it were) My eldest daughter kindly introduced me to a lovely woman from her church, who is a BS. They are reconciled. Her D-Day was just over two years ago. She is without a doubt a saint. She exudes peace, acceptance, calm and love from every pore. I want to wring her neck… I am THAT person, the one who wants to wring the neck of a lovely, kind, gracious, gentle lady who has been nothing but sweet to me.

What is wrong with me?? Why am I finding this so HARD? Why can I not get over it already? Or at least feel that I am getting somewhere? It’s 10 months people. I am officially an infidelity toddler. Not a babe in arms anymore. Why am I being such a cry-baby tonight??

Slap me. Talk some sense into me. Better yet, send me on a cruise. And I want the pretty frou-frou drink with the umbrella please. And keep them coming!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it sucks.

I was in a similar place around that time (plus a list of rages to boot), and then again a couple of years out. you just get .. tired. of it all.

if you're doing it wrong, then so did I, and a whole slew of others, and look, we turned out fine ..

don't measure your healing on the timeline of others. for some (like me), it just takes as long as it takes. so there.



ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14866 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
jackie89
♀ 38271
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ItsaClimb - I loved, loved your post.

I could have written it word for word! Especially loved how you describe what still makes you humble.

Just this weekend, I had 2 graduation parties, and a night out with a girlfriend with the frou-frou drink. Everyone just says how wonderful I am doing, how together I am, blah blah.
But inside, I am feeling everything you described. And just yesterday, had a crying fit when I went to bed, because I missed him, and hated him at the same time remembering times - that were confusing/weird and that I didn't listen to my gut.

Then I woke up and of course I'm feeling fine and hey "onward and forward, it's a new day, and lets just not live in the past"!

But Yes, I too am tired of all this infidelity stuff.


I suggest we all book a cruise with all the BS from SI, and let's all celebrate our new chance in at a new beginning in our lives!!


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 531 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
somanyyears
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..
It’s 10 months people. I am officially an infidelity toddler.

..there's your answer,..

..sorry you're struggling but your timeframe of 10 months out tells me you ain't seen nothin' yet

..

I feel like I could get my Phd in Infidelity.

..at over 4 years out, I could relate to much of your post, still...

..read all the books, know all the lingo, SI member 3+ years.. Yup, I'm tired of this quagmire.

..and yes, a cruise with little umbrella drinks might make me feel a little better.

..sending hugs of support during this very sad and difficult journey on which we find ourselves.

.. smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One bourbon.

One scotch.

And one beer.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 966 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
mainlyinpain
♀ 39134
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG (more acronyms) you made me cry. I feel everything you said. FOO took me fifty times to figure out (googled it) duh. I am psychiatric-terms overloaded. Thought it was just me who had to keep looking each one up again and again to try and keep them straight (most of them I ended up thinking I had). Everyone sounded like they had a doctorate in psychiatry. After my first DDay I stopped reading the books when the first one postulated.."every betrayed spouse must own up to their own part in the affair"...yeah right...go pound sand.
(((hugs itsa))))


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 507 | Registered: Apr 2013
Want To Wake Up
♀ 31583
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is wrong with me??

Nothing, nothing at all, you are simply attempting to deal with one of lifes biggest injustices.


Why am I finding this so HARD?

Because it IS hard, all of it is hard.


Why can I not get over it already?

You'll likely never "get over it" you will get through it.


Or at least feel that I am getting somewhere?


I think BS's spend a lot of time feeling as though they are spinning their wheels because it does take such a long time (longer than any of us previously thought) to deal with the shit sadnwich that is betrayal.


Why am I being such a cry-baby tonight??


Because tonight, that is how you feel... (((Hugs)))

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 4:46 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)
"Adultery is not a symptom of a struggling marriage....a struggling marriage is a result of a person who can chose adultery."- saw this on SI

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2011
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ItsaClimb))) Yep with ya on this one. I'll take a frou frou drink too

No seriously I am 16 months out and your post really resonated with me. I really am tired of this crap too and often wonder when I'll actually feel normal again, whatever that is now.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I'm having that kind of day today. Sick of thinking about it, sick of talking about it, sick of NOT talking about it.


I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, me too. SO TIRED. I have told WH more than once over the last couple of months that I am just tired of my life. That THIS is my life now. WTF?! Why? It is tiring, thinking, questioning, talking, talking, talking. A drink sounds so great right now. Particularly because I am 7 months pregnant, sweaty, and the size of a whale AND I can't have that pink drink or a glass of Savignon Blanc which is what I really want. So see, it could always be worse


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Dec 2012
hard_yards
♀ 23549
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs ItsaClimb, I know what you're talking about, it's all encompassing, draining, mind numbing...

It's all still very much front and center in your mind. I function like any other person, work, friends, family... life is as normal on the outside, no one would ever suspect. But it's like I have another me right beside me, who's always remembering, thinking, comparing, evaluating...

And it's exhausting, just exhausting.

But for a lot of things, my "give-a-f...." broke quite some time ago, and I don't get worked up over other things or events as I once would have, you have to draw a line somewhere.

Honey, you need a break, some time out and away from all this stuff going on in your head.

Can you get away, take a few days off for yourself, somewhere where people are there to take care of you, indulge you, treat you. Even a couple of nights in a nice hotel, treating yourself to room service and a good book.

Take care of yourself honey.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Apr 2009
Reality
♀ 39077
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was clever and spot on, ItsaClimb. Serious applause, fist bump, and agreed.

Really nice post.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
cannot forget
♀ 30759
Member # 30759
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally reached a phase where I feel at peace. I don't know if we will make it through this or not, but I am finally doing things that I want to do for me. It has taken me 3+ years. I started back in IC. Found a really good one thanks to a friend and I'm working on my life. So right now, today I feel peaceful.


WH46
BW45
3DD
MOW49 2.5yr LTA
married 24yrs
DD12/27/2009

Posts: 52 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Ct
27yearsnowlost
♀ 38787
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I read this I'm crying because I feel the same way....you are thinking my thoughts.


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
girlsbird
♀ 30877
Member # 30877
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All set for that cruise. Don't need the umbrella, just the drink or 2 or 3.

Take some time out for YOU and only you. Its OK to be tired, to cry, to be humbled.

Sending you strength and love.


D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: arizona
blindsidedbyhim
30794
Member # 30794
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are awesome... love your writing style...

I feel the same sentiments...so much so..I opted out of the PHD in Infidelity program (with a minor in "Books about Infidelity That Don't Really Help")... and now I am on the fast track Divorce program.

At least here, there are fewer questions, and you can go on a cruise anytime you want!

Thanks for the invite to your pity party...hope you feel better soon ox..


ME 44
DS-10 and DD-11
DDay 9/19/10
Separated 6/1/13
Married 10 yrs, together 18

"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was


Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: east coast
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderfully stated. Sadly, it's now our lives. Someone wiser than I recently told her WS that she would never get over it, but she might learn to live with it. That is where I finally am. After 4+ years.

small part of me still feels that I wasn’t good enough for my husband. I feel like I failed at being a wife. (And I KNOW it had nothing to do with me..yadda, yadda, yadda… but still….)

THIS. So true.

Hugs to you. Have that yummy drink!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Jaded4life
♀ 37577
Member # 37577
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome post itsaclimb!! Spot on. The thing about the cruise is that you will definitely get away from it all. Sadly, when I came back all these feelings came flooding back. Clearly, the answer is a permanent cruise. Now only to find a way to make it happen.


D-Months: Nov & Dec 2012. TT.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Land of the lost
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for all the responses, the hugs, the support and the AWESOME drink It's pink, it has an umbrella... it's JUST what the doctor ordered

It helps so much to know I'm not alone in all of this and that you guys are there to pick me up, dust me off, place a frou-frou drink in my hand and stand me on my feet again when necessary.

Seriously, where would we be without SI??!

your timeframe of 10 months out tells me you ain't seen nothin' yet

oh SMY ^^ this scares me! I so wish I was on the "accelerated recovery program"

Thought it was just me who had to keep looking each one up again and again to try and keep them straight (most of them I ended up thinking I had).

^^ I'm right there with you!!

I think BS's spend a lot of time feeling as though they are spinning their wheels because it does take such a long time (longer than any of us previously thought) to deal with the shit sandwich that is betrayal.

I think ^^ this is why I often feel so despondent. And the books (in general)do NOTHING to help because they make it sound as though healing happens pretty quickly once you make up your mind to do it. Not So! I keep feeling it's been ten months... I should be doing better, feeling better, getting better...

and often wonder when I'll actually feel normal again, whatever that is now
Exactly!!

Sick of thinking about it, sick of talking about it, sick of NOT talking about it.
Love this... only a BS would understand the "sick of talking about it, sick of NOT talking about it" thing!! LOL.

I am 7 months pregnant, sweaty, and the size of a whale AND I can't have that pink drink
Sending you BIG hugs and a non-alcoholic pink drink.... that just isn't the same though is it?! Seriously, I have such respect for those of you who are going through this and coping with pregnancy and newborns at the same time. I'm in awe.

Can you get away, take a few days off for yourself

Take some time out for YOU and only you.

^^you've got me thinking...I'm going to work on this!

Thank-you Reality, fist-bump right back atcha!

It has taken me 3+ years
Time is becoming a word I love to hate! 3 years just sounds such a looong time...

I feel the same way....you are thinking my thoughts.
^^ that's the beauty of SI right there!

I opted out of the PHD in Infidelity program (with a minor in "Books about Infidelity That Don't Really Help") ^^ LOVE this! LOL!

Sadly, it's now our lives.
For me, getting my head around this is an on-going work in progress. I STILL search for that magic bullet that is going to make this all go away... hence the ever-growing pile of books next to my bed!

the answer is a permanent cruise
Oh yes, count me in!!

As jackie89 said:

hey "onward and forward, it's a new day, and lets just not live in the past"!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Just wanted to add something I remembered late last night re: the abbreviations:

there was this time, right at the beginning, when I read a post and the guy said something along the lines of 'my WW went to the (park, car? I can't remember, anyway she went somewhere) to have sex with MOM.' I read this and sat there thinking "Dude! Your wife had sex with your mother! Holy-Moly! Doesn't that beat just about everything?!" Slooowly realisation dawned... hang on... wait.... M-O-M.... Married Other Man. Shew! Relief! Had me going there for a while!!

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 1:54 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 40
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