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Ashland13 posted 7/2/2013 16:48 PM

It seems appropriate after today's experience and I wanted to share what is maybe a good thing on SI, because I come so often to vent and complain.

The basis of the story is that my car is breaking down and it is one of the few things in the settlement that STBX will willingly continue to pay for and handle for us-repairs and insurance and such-he enjoys cars and their challenges and it is an immediate ego boost. Fine with me, if it gets fixed.

He uses the angle "it's for the kids" and that's fine, I won't argue and can't pay for one for myself.

With the holiday coming, I wanted to get as many of the week's errands out of the way and stay the heck out of the shopping areas on the weekend. There aren't many in the area and they get jammed, as I imagine all of yours must too.

He was also going to do his own diagnosing of the car, that's fine so long as I get the errands done. And I can tune his voice in and out, where before I was so happy to sit and listen! That's one of the biggest changes I notice in me, is that he is no longer charming...he does not try, either, but it's interesting all the same to "see him" with clear colored glasses.

He was very interesting to be around and you know, during the shopping part, I found myself continuing to give he and DD thing to go and search for and then I didn't have to be near him!

On the way to and from the store, his driving made me car sick but I used to put up with it. He used to say "it's the car". No.

He honked at other drivers and yelled out the window, which he never, ever did in my presence, ever. He flipped someone off driving by after he honked and he also argued with the mechanic. I kind of worried because he got in a shouting match with the mechanic with another car a few years ago and when I saw it was the same one, took DD to the gumball machines in the other room.

I am shocked, I am amazed and I am floored at my reaction to spending that time with him and with both of them. DD is really, very different acting when he is around and very jealous-she was livid that I was going with them and treated me badly. So when it came to treat time and she did not get any, she got mad but one thing is that he saw the behavior and reinforced it.

He argued with her about the groceries even though he was not going to eat any and I cleaned up that problem several times, without thanks...

I am getting bigger and having trouble lifting and pushing shopping carts but no way in hell was I going to ask for help. He did not offer until the very end when he saw me cringe and hold my belly and a stranger actually offered first!?

I think...I think...I think I am, I think I am...I think the healing or moving forward has begun for me, at long last?

It's shocking and I had to come home and catch my breath after being with them both.

This is the very first time I did not cry when they left for their visit, also. It kind of knocked the wind out of me to realize.

He is a chameleon and when he wants something from a person, changes quite radically. I see that now.

I got a new prescription for my life glasses, they are no longer rose colored, but are clear. No more venetian blinds. The forest is clear of trees and all the other metaphors in the world come to mind like a real in my brain.

I am still grieving and still having all the other life changes, but maybe if I can keep remembering this day, it will help when the grief spells come?

I just wanted to share that very personal story, for it is one of my ways to always tell a good thing and not just the bad.

You know, the narcissism hits me like a baseball bat on the head. Much of his conversation was fishing for compliments and I never realized before what a needy person he is-has he always been? I don't know.

It got me to thinking other things about OW and possible personality, but I want to shut that thinking off somehow now. It was eye opening and made me think a little of how she may behave, that's all and how stressful a person he is to be around.

He is rather chatty lately but I find my guard is always up now and I wondering if I am witnessing hovering? It's shameful and a person should let a person go once they decide to.

He actually asked about the baby for the first time since he was conceived. It's an active baby but some of the things coming up in the divorce tend to have me pretty close-mouthed lately.

I also think any signs of care from this man shock me and I'm not used to it...nor will I be caught off guard.

Thank you for anyone who reads my lengthy note. I feel a lot of emotions coming on from the realizations, including sadness, for a long life chapter that is closing.

Ashland13 posted 7/2/2013 16:58 PM

P.S. Sorry for my typos. Some are my brain and some are my elderly computer, you know when they get old and the keys sometimes stick?

I meant to say, "hovering" and not "hovering".

Ashland13 posted 7/2/2013 16:59 PM

HOOVERING!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrr.

SBB posted 7/2/2013 17:50 PM

I found it astonishing when I did finally see him.

How did I ignore that for almost a decade? My L summed it up nicely at his first look at him in mediation "He's such a bully and not at all bright. Did you see how red his ears went?".

Yes, yes I did. I've used those ears as a barometer of whether or not we were going to have a 'good day'. Moody biiiiarrrrttch.

Ashland13 posted 7/2/2013 18:18 PM

I like that, Strong, thank you!

STBX's ears turn red sometimes in mediation. He prefers the rug sweeping but my broom is broken!

peridot posted 7/2/2013 18:27 PM

It's amazing how you see things that you never noticed before when you spend enough time away from them.

Housefulloflove posted 7/2/2013 18:41 PM

"You know, the narcissism hits me like a baseball bat on the head. Much of his conversation was fishing for compliments and I never realized before what a needy person he is-has he always been? I don't know."

From the very beginning I realized that STBX was a whiny and VERRRRRY needy person. Most of our marriage (including now) I felt like he was the neediest person I've ever known. I willingly put on those glasses you speak of and tried to see it as a positive thing even though it CLEARLY wasn't.

You're right, when the glasses are off EVERYTHING about them looks and feels different. It's hard to believe that I was able to deal with Ex for 10 years. 10 minutes is too much now!

Keep your guard up Ashland. People like him rarely change. They may change their words and behavior to get what they want but they stay rotten to the core.

HurtsButImOK posted 7/3/2013 03:03 AM

Thought my rose coloured glasses were broken, took them off for a closer inspection recently.

Turns out I have 20/20 vision and don't need glasses. Also all the layers of "rose" coloured paint that I forcefully reapplied over the years has made the lenses a dirty muddy shit brown colour

No wonder I couldn't see clearly!

Its amazing (somewhat sad though to have to face the truth) how clearly you can see them for who they really are when you have a bit of time and space away from them.

I am always so humbled and in awe of the personal growth you have shown Ashland and your openness in being willing to share it with us all. Thank you.

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