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Resources for the lost?

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Jennifer99 posted 7/2/2013 18:36 PM

I am the BS. My WH had a self-confessed EA (as far as I know) that has ended not of his choosing (as far as I know). From Summer 2011 - Summer 2012.

I was unhappy before the EA started. I was more unhappy while it was going on and I didn't know it. I was almost relieved when he told me about it, I forgave, prepared to move on, wanted to work on "us". He did not. He spent this past year missing her unbeknownst to me.

We have spent the last year exploring R. But that doesn't quite read right. It is false R now I see from SI.

I faced the truth a month ago. I have since begun IC. I am slowly pulling out of my hysteria and depression. I have plans, I am happy with me, I am detaching from him.

He has no clue. I'm sure he wouldn't care.

One thing I talked about in IC is the fact that he is so very stuck. I feel like someone, which should be me seeing as how we've been "us" for nearly 20 years, should get him some help, get him unstuck.

I didn't know it but I've been 180'ing him for a while (never knew there was a name). 180 doesn't unstuck him.

I want him to get over this woman, get a job, find something to do with his life that makes him happy, and to work on being a better father.

I can't say these things to him, I did, a year ago. In one ear and out the other. Family have told him, in one ear and out the other. He lacks male friends. I have repeatedly mentioned IC.

I can't fix him. I don't care to be the one to unstuck him. I just want him to get unstuck so I don't have to worry when its his turn with our son.

Are there any resources, men's groups, something??? that I can steer him toward that won't offend him - IC is viewed as weak; reading is viewed as unproductive, sissy stuff; he is very social.

I do not want to bring him to SI. I don't think he really needs to "survive infidelity". I think he needs a life-reset or at the very least to get over a broken heart.d

Are there any manly kind of groups for such? OR are such support systems the domain of women?

This is my last ditch effort at being helpful. I've realized I am always trying to control everything and fix everyone's problems and make everyone happy. I have learned that I can only do that for me. I am still having a hard time accepting that I can't do that for my son. I am not going to let WH being stuck derail me now. But I would like to give him some outlet, some resource. All I can think of is IC which he ridicules.

Any ideas?

Sad in AZ posted 7/2/2013 19:20 PM

I am not going to let WH being stuck derail me now. But I would like to give him some outlet, some resource.

You've got quite a disconnect going there; can't you see it?

Stop. Just stop. He doesn't want your help, and by choosing to pine over someone else, he fired you from that job (the one that you no longer want-remember?)

karmahappens posted 7/2/2013 19:30 PM

I agree with Sad.

You cannot fix him, spin it anyway you would like....that is what you are trying to do.

Let him go. He will stay stuck until it doesn't feel good anymore.

jjct posted 7/2/2013 19:30 PM

You say "180 doesn't unstuck him."

Try to remember, the 180 is for you,
NOT to affect him.
Continue the 180 for you.

Jennifer99 posted 7/3/2013 08:45 AM

I know 180 is for me. And it totally worked. I truly don't think he'll even "unstuck" when I bring up divorce.

If it wasn't for my son I wouldn't even worry about unsticking him. I really don't care. But just as I would for friends and coworkers - when I see someone suffering I like to try and show them that there is help if they want it, I feel like I've done all I can unless someone mentions something new.

I just thought maybe someone here would have an idea of something he could do.

If no, okee doke. He knows how to google shrinks.

I use the "you fired me from that job" on him every time he wants to chit chat and be friends. When he makes grand, sad statements like "I feel like a total failure" I usually just say "and you like that? if not, what are you going to do about it?"

I read something about depression being contagious. I kind of believe it. I think I have to get away from him before I catch it again and get stuck myself (although I'm pretty sure my IC would catch it quick). And now my main concern is arming my son to not fall prey to his insanity or catch his problems.

nowiknow23 posted 7/3/2013 10:05 AM

If it wasn't for my son I wouldn't even worry about unsticking him. I really don't care. But just as I would for friends and coworkers - when I see someone suffering I like to try and show them that there is help if they want it, I feel like I've done all I can unless someone mentions something new.
What appears to be "stuck" may actually be a chosen place to rest. He's a grown man. He obviously knows there are options, as you've indicated he's rejected those. You have done all you can.


Jennifer99 posted 7/3/2013 10:43 AM

You are very right nowiknow.

That was my other thought and what I see as far as his actions would support that thought. It is his words and what he says that seems to indicate otherwise.

I've read on here to pay attention to actions not words.

I think "you've done all you can" - I don't know why I need to hear that. Maybe I think I fear the judgement of my knows.

Note for IC!

sisoon posted 7/3/2013 14:05 PM

If he's depressed, how about suggesting he talk to his MD about it? Otherwise, I could see saying something like, 'You seem very unhappy. How about starting IC?'

I see nothing wrong with expending some energy, but not a lot, to show your H how to find his way out of a funk. I think you're being kind in doing so. I just wish I could come up with something sure to work. In the end, and in the beginning, your H has to believe he can change and want to change his life for the better. That's up to him.

Jennifer99 posted 7/3/2013 15:33 PM

Hi sisoon,

I never thought about suggesting he talk to his MD. He likes him and respects him very much.

I just thought to ask the question here because until I googled "will i ever get over his affair" I never knew something like SI existed. Hell, today on cnn I read about a cheater website! I guess I am very naive for 40+.

I'd like to maybe direct him to SI but if I do I have to leave. I don't want to :) And since its not really infidelity he is having to "get over" I don't know if it will help.

He isn't a big believer in change and accomplishments. Same in his job search/unemployment. He just thinks "can't".

Me and my "can do" attitude just don't understand it and I'm done making myself miserable trying.

I will use your suggestion about his doctor though. I think that might be a good one.

Sad in AZ posted 7/3/2013 15:47 PM

Having lived with a man who was depressed for many years, I can tell you that your son will understand. I've had to protect my son from the X-not in a physical harm sense, but from his being an example of how a healthy person acts. I think I did a good job. DS does suffer from some depression, but he has sought help for it, and he is not afraid to admit he needs help, unlike the X.

When people are depressed, you can't 'help' them with suggestions; they have to make the connection themselves. They have to decide they no longer want to live the way they are living--or not living.

Jennifer99 posted 7/3/2013 18:17 PM

That is encouraging to hear Sad...about your son I mean. Maybe I'm worrying more than I need to right this minute.

Athena1979 posted 7/3/2013 22:18 PM

Jennifer, let me ask you this?

If you knew someone who was addicted to marijuana, what would you do?

If you knew someone who was an alcoholic, what would you do?

If you knew someone who was addicted to smoking, what would you do?

Would you tell them to go to counseling? Would you offer some self help books to read? Would you offer some good advice and support?

And what happens after 2 years of trying to help someone stop their addiction, doesn't work, and they still do drugs, or drink or smoke?

Do you tie them up and haul them off to counseling?

Do you handcuff them, tape their eyes open and force them to read books?

Do you take them to a neurosurgeon and fill their brains with preprogrammed advice from you, so that they are forced to listen?

No. Of course not. We cant force people to do things. that's why rehab doesn't work unless the individual going to rehab really wants to to quit using drugs or drinking or whatever.a person has to make a conscious decision to stop being addicted or stop being depressed. They have to want to change. You can't make them change or show them the light of reason, if they don't want to open their eyes to see it.

Your concern is for your son.

Use your poor little woe is me depressed husband as a lesson. Show your son what happens when you are sad all the time.

Ask your son, do you like being sad or happy? Hopefully, he says happy. And tell him it's healthier to be happy. It's better to be happy. Sometimes we all get sad. But we have to overcome it. We have to be strong.

Teach him how to do that. Demonstrate it. Show the effects of depression and how it hurts people. Teach him how to rise above the tough times, grow and learn from those experiences, but to never dwell on them.

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