Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: chachapoppyseed (45751)

User Topic: Who did I love?
sodamnsorry
♂ 37201
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS and I talking last night. She had something she wanted to show me to help illustrate something she has been trying to get through to me.

She has been saying all along I could not have loved her during my affair. I have always felt like I did.

So, she showed me a biblical passage 1 Corinthians 4-7

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

So I sat there reading it over and over. Then I thought about each item individually, asking myself was I patient, was I kind, etc. Of course I had to answer them all no. If we accept that as defining love or the act of loving, then I can't say I loved her. I sure as hell didn't love the OW. So, who did I love? I thought maybe it was just myself, but I don't think I pass the test for myself either. It was a harsh, sobering thought.

Was I just devoid of love during the A?


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
hardlessons
♂ 35025
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That passage is a goal to strive for not a destination and if that is what she expects well you ain't it, far as I know only 1 person was/is...

If that is her expectation then no you fell far short during your A. I know for me my idea of love is way different when we got married at 19 and even more different after my A. We grow, change, learn. You loved exactly how you knew how to love at the time.... How do you want to love now?

[This message edited by hardlessons at 10:23 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sds,
I failed that test on all counts as well during the A.

I don't think it's unreasonable as a test of love. We are human, so not perfect, but I'm a lot closer to the biblical definition of love for both my BH and myself these days.

Maybe while entangled in the evil that is infidelity we ARE devoid of real love.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 11:59 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think KBFF is right. I'm not a Christian, but 1 Corinthians 13 has been my late grandmother's defining verse. In my mind, she WAS love ... but I digress. Even she went outside her M with my grandfather when they had a falling out, and they were able to R.

I definitely see where the Biblical notion of "love" in 1 Corinthians 13 is completely lacking from the W individual in all aspects: to BS, to AP, and to self. I suppose that you could use it as a kind of litmus test to gauge progress now?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was I just devoid of love during the A?
Maybe. (I know-helpful, right? )

I suppose that you could use it as a kind of litmus test to gauge progress now?
I love that approach. We can't change what we've already done, but what has kept me going was knowing that I did have the power to change from this moment forward.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38700 | Registered: Sep 2007
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have has the very same discussion with me BW. I swore up and down that I did love her during my A, but that was when I really didn't know what real love was. I have read it on SI, and my BW has said it too, Love is an action, not a word.

"Was I just devoid of love during the A?"

What I learned was for most of my life I didn't know how to show or receive true love. I am still working on it, but I can honestly say that during my A I loved no one, including myself.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Card
♂ 23667
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sodamnsorry,

1 Corinthians 4-7

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I don't think your question is that difficult if examined from a truthful perspective.

The word love in this passage is all about actions.

During my affair I displayed so many actions that demonstrated everything that love is not. Were there some times mixed in there when I demonstrated loving actions toward my wife and children? Not really. Maybe in outward appearance, but when I'm honest with myself, my actions during the A were all about getting what I wanted. I displayed very narcissistic like behaviors the entire time. I was capable of being so much more, but not while willingly living in all the lies.

In the end, love is always a choice. I chose otherwise during my A.

Was I devoid of love during my A? No, of course not! That would be to say I'm devoid of choices. I was always capable of making loving choices, I just was choosing to linger in my resentments instead.

She has been saying all along I could not have loved her during my affair. I have always felt like I did.

I would like to comment on this particular comment though. I think the heart of the issue lies within her comment. IMVHO, Your wife desires for you to adopt the truths that she is showing you from scripture instead of the twisted truths you have clung too that allowed you to rationalize and choose adultery.

[This message edited by Card at 11:03 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, we had this verse read at our wedding as so many do. Even tho I am the BS there were many times in our marriage when I was not patient + kind. I was determined to be right and was pleased when he was wrong.

I messed up too. Thanks for posting this verse. I need to remember it every day.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here....I have had the same thought as your spouse....how could my wife love me and do this horrible act?

I have read that scripture before.

I can't say yes to many of those statements either. LA44...you are amazing...I am trying to catch up to your level of understanding...kinda like having a running buddy that is just a bit more conditioned then you...makes you keep your focus.

Back to this post...

Love like this is the ultimate goal...but just because we answer "no" to them it doesn't mean we don't love our spouses. I personally feel closer to understanding what true love is. I did loving actions pre-A...and that was good. I was just ignorant. Now I am getting educated...through lots of pain and stumbling...but I am learning.

That whole idea of using this scripture as a gauge to measure my progress is WONDERFUL!!!

What is problematic for me is that I start to see where my actions were deconstructive to our marriage, work on bettering myself....and then I trigger because of my wife's choice to have an affair...and I get angry, stop my work on myself, and put the load on my wife's shoulders. Its almost as if a little boy inside me is screaming "Dang this is hard! Wait a minute..I wouldnt have this load if it werent for my wifes selfishness!!!"...and I lose temporary sight that this very statement coming from within me is everybit as selfish as my wife was.

"Love is patient". My triggers challenge me to be patient...I fail at that. My repeated questions to my wife challenge her to be patient...she fails at that. We don't fail every time, but according to this scripture we are not showing real love when we fail even once.

Point is as long as both spouses continue to hold those goals as joint goals (to show that kind of love to our spouses, and only our spouses) our marriages stand a good chance of rebuilding.....right?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:17 AM, July 8th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sodamnsorry
♂ 37201
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's important to note that while this is given biblically as an ideal, this IS definitely how we define love and what we aspire to for each other.


WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.