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karmahappens posted 7/2/2013 19:54 PM

This won't mean much to most...it may not even make sense.I just thought of it today and had to laugh at my old self.

I was thinking about my years in IC on my way to work today, thanks to blakesteels post about "the Why" in the recon forum.

I realized I had issues years ago.

I was angry. Really angry. Fits of crying, not in control of my life. Pretty much I was miserable.

So I found an IC. Damn, she was amazing.

But I wasn't ready.

My first few years of IC went kinda like this.

Go to appointment, recount my version of weeks events. Lets just say it was my brother pissing me off this week. I would sit, cry, tell her all my woes about my brother, and what a jerk he was….she would sit, ask a prodding question here or there and we'd finish for the week.

Lesson learned….my brother is an asshole.

Next week, lets say mother in law was being a controlling rotten witch, repeat week 1 , insert mother in laws name here….

Lesson learned….my mother in law is a controlling, selfish witch....this IC stuff is a breeze...

Oh, I must be getting better….all this talking and crying….wow

Repeat the above scenarios for a long long time …yeah really.

It was always what this person did to me, how that person hurt me….what I HAD to do for them, what I couldn't do because of this one or that one. Failed expectations, why people don't do what's right….

Etc etc etc.

My therapist sat, let me go on and on until I had exhausted everyone that was completely screwed up. Everyone but me….

Finally I walked out one day and didn't go back. I had plenty of IC, I could tell you what was wrong with the world and sit back and say…see …there…see…that.

Until the A.

I called her out of the blue and asked if she remembered me. She did, we chatted and I went back to see her. When she opened the door she hugged me and I sobbed in her arms for what seemed like an eternity.

She smiled at me and asked if I was ready to really start to heal. CHA… wasn't that what I was doing previously?

We started again…sigh. Same stories, same people…blah blah blah.

Until one day the light bulb went on. I was walking out after another day of learning that it was my husband who was now a jerk…HA TOLD YOU….

And she said to me. I want you to think about the common denominator in all of your dealings with people and next week let me know what it is.

I laughed and said…DUH, it's me. Shaking my head, of course I was the common thread, we are talking about ME, right.

Then I started the ride home and it clicked.

Everything I had cried about, lost sleep over, gotten angry about was so easy to fix if I just changed me. If I didn't allow people to use me, didn't engage with people that were angry and bitter. I had the ability to control my life the whole time, but instead I allowed people and events to dictate how I would feel and what I would do. I was angry all this time because I didn't have control over anything….when ultimately the only control I needed was control of myself.

Man, my IC could have saved me a lot of years had she just clued me in way back when. I guess if she had the change wouldn't have been able to take place.

You have to go through it, live it and finally feel it to be able to get it.

I still backslide on occasion and let my heart control what my mind should….but at that point my husband will step in and say something to reel me back in….crap…he actually gets it too.

Two people semi-emotionally healthy with a map to get there….

What a revelation.

This shit should be taught in school or at least prior to marriage. It would make life so much easier to navigate.

ETA: My brother really is an asshole...I had to figure out that I cannot fix him.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:09 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 7/2/2013 21:55 PM

Nice Post