"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

blindsidedbyhim posted 7/2/2013 19:59 PM

Back in September of 2010, this website literally saved my life. I have no idea what would have become of the shattered life I woke up to one beautiful September morning. I found SI and quickly got the PHd in infidelity. After my first Dday with WH, which happened when we were dating for about 5 years, I did everything wrong. I blamed myself, took him back with no questions asked, and buried my entire memory of the affair.

Life lessons come back to the surface if you don't pass the first exam, and so do nasty OW who had a good time with WHs 10 years earlier. That's right, you read it right. Same OW, 10 years, two kids and eight years of marriage later.

I only decided to R because I was in literally paralyzed, in a deep state of shock, and extremely codependent with two little kids, and still in love with my WH.

The R went like this:

Year 1: He blame shifts until we break everything in the house arguing over the fact that HE made the DECISION to CHEAT and IT was not because OF ANYTHING I DID.
Every day feels like I wake up with a knife lodged in my heart and I can't breathe. I have to face the brutal reality upon taking my first labored breath... Oh, that's right...he had a two year affair...I got every detail including a cell phone with all their disgusting conversations. These details haunt me, and I do not think I will survive infidelity!

Year 2: We move into another town because WH gambled away our business, has not done work on himself and refuses counseling. The fights continue, but we have moments of real love and kindness for each other. Our kids see us fight and makeup constantly. I start to do serious soul searching via spiritual podcasts, books, seminars, spiritual weekends. I start to realize...he does not have anything to do with my healing. I search, with a driven soul, for peace and acceptance about what has happened in my life.

WH has changed some, but in some ways he has not. I suspect the following but cannot prove anything: he is doing cocaine to get through the pain of living with the guilt an shame of what he has done. He is selling drugs on the side to pay the bills because he lost everything and spends money on his cocaine habit. He has a woman who is a work "friend", I ask that he gets rid of her for the sake of the fragile marriage we have--he never does, but I can never catch them doing anything inappropriate. She appears to be friendly with me, but my suspicions and gut sense the sexual tension between them.

Year 3: in January of 2013, I vaguely decided that I may be ready to call it quits. The drug use is getting worse, the selling of drugs is now obvious, and the potential OW is still in the picture ( I seet many text and phone calls during the day which he says are "all work-related".}

June 1: we go on vacation. I can't believe he brings drugs on vacation! He has now put my life (and the lives of my children) in serious jeopardy. I know you are saying "well wasn't he all along"...YES! but this was a good smack upside the head for me, I guess. When we return home June 4, I say I want a divorce. I am done.

He doesn't believe me. The past month has been torture. He begged, pleaded, cried, groveled, screamed, threatened, and everyday I am back on the same rollercoaster I been riding for 20 years with this man.

Today is his birthday. I am alone, writing this. He took the kids to dinner. I am not sad. I would describe myself as anxious.

He is clean and sober for 3 weeks today. He has stopped all criminal behavior and he finally moved in with his parents after I stood my ground about him moving out. He paid the rent on time today.

Yesterday he stopped answering my text and phone calls because in our last conversation he asked me if I missed him and I said 'no'. He asked me if he would have a chance for him to prove himself a better man and I said 'probably not'. He asked me why I still wear my rings and I said, 'I have no where safe to keep them'. "They mean nothing?" he asked. "No", I said. Sorry.

I sit here, reading SI, grateful to be able to find people like me who have lived life with a conscience, always putting others before ourselves, and loving a partners who had not a clue how to love themselves enough to have strength of character to sustain a family, and I wonder, what does life hold for me now?

Who will I be as a single, divorced woman in her forties?

Am I scared? Or is that excitement?

At this point, all I know is..

I finally feel peace.

Please accept from the deepest part of my heart the enormous appreciation I feel for all of those beautiful spirits out there who have, more than once, talked me off the proverbial ledge, and gave me strength to face the day that has finally come to pass...

oxoxox BBH

[This message edited by blindsidedbyhim at 8:11 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

huRtZ413 posted 7/2/2013 20:18 PM

Good for you!

Wishing you the best in your future may you find happiness!

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 8:18 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

anonymous823 posted 7/2/2013 20:25 PM

You're a very strong woman, I hope you find the happiness that you deserve.

anonymous823 posted 7/2/2013 20:26 PM

You're a very strong woman, I hope you find the happiness that you deserve.

nowiknow23 posted 7/2/2013 20:34 PM

(((((BBH)))))

Who will I be as a single, divorced woman in her forties?

Someone strong and awesome, that's who.

Am I scared? Or is that excitement?

Both are perfectly normal.

At this point, all I know is..

I finally feel peace.

Fantastic. Continued strength and peace to you, BBH.

Lucky posted 7/2/2013 21:57 PM

Good for you! Stay strong.

ElectricBlue posted 7/5/2013 19:05 PM

I started here when you did....I remember you. I wish I was as strong as you are. I wish you only good things from this moment forward.

redvixen posted 7/5/2013 19:54 PM

BBH, speaking as another woman in her 40s, divorced and on her own, it will be scary, it will be sad, it will be frustrating, but above all - it will be healing, it will be eye opening, it will be refreshing, it will be strengthening. You will come out stronger, wiser, and more aware of who you are.

You're already getting there!

solus sto posted 7/6/2013 13:28 PM

I finally feel peace.

(((((BBH))))) Remember this peace. It will help sustain you on the days when you feel turmoil.

It's also your sentinel that you're making the right decision. Sometimes, the damage just runs too deep. I, too, found that out after a long "R." (I would argue, though, that you have not been in R; drug use really precludes the actions required for R. I bring this up not to make you feel bad, but to underline that, indeed, you have been waging a losing battle....alone.)

Millions of hugs to you.

Sad in AZ posted 7/6/2013 16:03 PM

Sweetie, I'm a divorced woman in her late 50s. It will be OK. Really, it will.

kansas1968 posted 7/6/2013 16:19 PM

Your post broke my heart. I am glad you are moving on. I think your life will improve. My daughter got a divorce eight years ago and is now 47. She raised her son and didn't date for those years. But now she has met someone wonderful. He is crazy about her, he is kind, caring, and she is so happy. Her first husband was verbally abusive and she was gun shy. So, no matter what your age, you can find someone who is mature enough to understand how to love you.
Your husband has not vaulued you from even when you were dating. Divorce should always be a last option, but I think you have given this guy plenty of chances. If he is willing to do years of work on himself to find out why he has treated you this way, why he has no boundaries, etc., maybe.....
But whatever happens, it sounds like you are finally vauluing yourself as you should. Hugs.