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betraydtwice posted 7/2/2013 20:54 PM

So we are 4 months from dday. I don't feel better, in fact I feel like I'm sliding back. H either doesn't see or doesn't care. All I know is that he is not doing what I need.

Still no talking..he acts like everything is fine and we are all good. Losing feeling for him more everyday.

He has been sick and he is milking it for all it's worth. Don't feel good so just goes to sleep. He takes me out and helps a lot more now. But when we go out there is no spark between us. I'm starting to think that the spark was always from me and not him. And now that I don't feel it it's not there??

So about a week ago I said hello to one of my male friends on FB. He has been my friend for about a 4 months and I finally said hello to him. I never said Hi before because I knew it would start something. Anyway, it has only ever been polite catching up. We have only chatted and caught up a little bit. We have only talked about 3 times.

I am so hurt and tired and sad about the shit that is my marriage and this asshole that I spent half my life with. I really feel like maybe letting go and starting over would be easier and maybe I could be happier.

how can you tell if there is enough love to keep us together?
how can you tell if it's a dealbreaker?

Jospehine85 posted 7/2/2013 21:05 PM

Well first off, stop chatting with the FB friend.

You are only 4 months out from Dday. Your emotions are still going to be up and down. Even very, very down.

The last thing you need to do to yourself is get involved in an online EA.

It is not fair to you and it is not fair to your WH, if you start looking to another man to fill a void in your life. Either you want to give your M a chance to heal or you don't. If you want your marriage to heal, then you need to turn towards your WH to fill your voids.

Talk to your WH. Without listing off everything he did wrong, just tell him how you are feeling. Tell him you feel down. Tell him you need to talk more.

Go to and look at the statistics she has on infidelity. The couples that talked the most about the A and where the BS got their questions answered were the ones most likely to survive.

Do not assume your WH is psychic. You have to tell him what you need. Don't yell it or scream it. And don't try to make him feel bad when you tell him. Just calmly and plainly explain what you are feeling.

IF he still refuses to support you, then you have some decisions to make.

betraydtwice posted 7/2/2013 21:18 PM

He doesn't want to talk. Other than a few things he said right around dday, he talks about everything but the A or his feeling at all. He knows what is going on with me but he chooses to ignore it. He thinks that if he ignores it, it will go away.
He is not remorseful, that is what I am starting to realize. He is only regretful. i also think that he is still thinking about her, I catch him looking off in space.
I really think he is embarrassed and ashamed since ow turned on him. Which she did in a heartbeat and called him all kinds of hateful things. She said shit to me too, but a war with words...she was no match for me and I cut her down in 3 texts and told her good luck. She then sent about 30 texts and then started calling. I loved it..I knew how to hurt and shred her, so I loved it.
H is quieter now than when in the A. I don't do quiet and have been biting my tongue waiting for him to finally let something out. It's been close to 3 weeks and nothing

Tired of waiting and trying when I'm not sure what I'm trying for

anv5 posted 7/3/2013 11:11 AM

My wh didn't want to talk either
I finally say him down and *calmly*! explained that it was hard for me to talk about too but that I needed him to talk to me for us to heal & that I felt that but him refusing to discuss any of it (even just my feelings) made me feel that me feelings and emotions were being invalidated.
He had not seen it that way
He has since been much more open to talking...but the rule is if he feels it is turning into an interigation & no longer a talk or if I'm getting super over upset we both have the power to say "I need a break" we can talk the next day or if its huge we can calm down and resume that day once we are both in a better place.
Knowing that we can talk "safely" has made it much easier for him to talk to me & be honest.
It might be worth a shot...


betraydtwice posted 7/3/2013 12:44 PM

Thanks Anv5. I finally talked to him last and told him that if we don't talk, we can't heal. I hope he gets it now. We shall see.

Part of me thinks that he just doesn't care enough...Don't know if he still loves me enough.

betraydtwice posted 7/3/2013 12:46 PM

Thanks to Josepine also, I really appreciate your wisdom also

Jospehine85 posted 7/3/2013 21:40 PM


Show your WH the DearPeggy site and the statistics.

I am going to take a stab in the dark and guess that he is quiet out of shame. I bet he is staring out in to space wondering how he managed to screw up your lives so bad.

My WH is by his own admissions "emotionally retarded". I had to tell him exactly how I needed him to respond. I gave him examples. If I told him I was mad that he was planning a trip with her when he was supposed to be planning our anniversary trip, then I expected him to say "I can understand how hurtful that would be. You feel like I made her more important than you. I am sorry I made you feel that way".

Seriously. I had to be that precise. Every time I told him something and he gave me the "but I am trying now" answer. I would say, "That sounds like you are telling me I have no right to be upset. You should have said (fill in the blank)"

He needed to learn how to paraphrase back to me what I had told him, comprehend how it made me feel and simply acknowledge it.

Sounds remedial and it is. However, he is learning exactly what I need from him AND more importantly he is doing it.

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