Wanted to say thank you to all who post and speak from experience. I lurk out here since finding your site. Without it I'd be even more a mess and would be doing all the wrong things. But from reading everything I can get my hands on and reading the posts, I've come to expect the unexpected...
my WSO of 18 years left in midMay with no explanation, nada, nothing except a text saying he loved me and always would but something was missing. I was bewildered, stunned, hurt since we had just had dinner and spoke of our upcoming vacation. I found out his reason and OW 2 weeks later. since that time I've been a wreck but in IC.
Therapist is saying i need to have an explanation, something, not just silence. I reached out to WSO and he'd only respond with a text "it's too painful for me to talk right now"
Ummm, hello? Painful for HIM???
Fast forward to this past Sunday. i have house emergency that needs attention no exception. I try contacting every guy I know to help plus contractors but try reaching anyone on a sunny sunday afternoon...I had no choice but to contact WSO for help because I needed muscle for the house emergency. He actually says he'll help.
So...Monday afternoon he arrives. We see each other and he acts like I had just seen him 2 minutes ago and launches right into trying to fix the problem at my house.
I start talking to him - of course what he didn't want - and out of the blue he actually said to me "wow, you've lost weight".
Ummm, hello? Yes, you walked out of my life with no explanation. I've barely eaten anything in 1.5 months. Everyone else is asking me if I'm ill...
I talk, I tell him what I feel, what I'd like to see occur with "us" but if OW is still in picture it wouldn't work. He says they are still involved. Then starts in on how "I wouldn't do this, and I wouldn't do that" and "he wasnt sure what he wanted and our relationship wasn't what it had been" blah blah blah
I asked him if he saw him and OW as a long-term relationship and it continuing. He said he wasn't sure, he would never love her like he still loves me, that he envisioned growing old with me, but that he didn't plan to stop seeing her. But since we hadnt been getting along, he didn't know what else to do.
what?? how about talking to me instead of cheating on me
I replied that I will own part of our relationship problems (pre-A) because it wasn't just him, or just me. That I was working through my own issues in IC.
But then I add "but you know what, I will not own your CHOICE for deciding to cheat on me. You alone made that choice, I had nothing to do with it". I repeated that statement more than once throughout the conversation...my mantra
As you say after that statement....crickets.
I asked what caused him to make that decison. OMG, hang on because I can't even make this stuff up. We had had a stupid tiff that night over CORN ON THE COB. he said that is what caused it!
a stupid tiff over CORN ON THE COB is what made him decide to cheat on me? it sounded so ludicrous I almost laughed.
So in summary, from all my SI reading I learned during our conversation that:
he is in a deep fog (won't end it with OW)
he is trying to eat cake (he loves me but won't end it with OW)
blame shifting (corn on the cob caused him to cheat)
reinventing history (he made up 3 different versions of the same incident)
he fell silent when faced with indisputable facts (he made a choice to cheat)
the 180 is becoming my friend.
IC is very helpful
the future is unknown and no final decisions will be made yet
thank you everyone,it does help to read the posts and articles. its sinking in. what a horrible way to get to know one anothr but its good to know there are others who understand and can empathize knowing the incredible pain infidelity causes.
and sometimes just to share the dumb things that can be said in life...like corn on the cob made him to decide to cheat. good grief!