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Is he EVER going to stop pumping the kids for info?

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Nature_Girl posted 7/2/2013 21:08 PM

Seriously, people! Is STBX ever ever EVER going to stop pumping the kids for information? Good Lord, he's on the phone right now with them, asking about when they got up and what was for dinner. Since tonight was the first time in months I've had any money to go out, we all went to a fast food place. So he wants to know why, who got what, and so forth.

WTF????????

Am I ever going to not care that he pumps the kids & knows every minute detail of our lives??? I am so sick of basically living with my life under constant scrutiny, I'm so sick that he knows everything about ME, my comings/goings, every store I visit, every dime I spend, because the kids tell him because he asks them.

I hate this. I hate the nightly phone calls. I hate it. I hate that because of his insistance on spending 30, 40 or MORE minutes on the phone with the kids every fucking night that they're learning terrible phone habits. Just prattle on & on & on & on & on about total bullshit topics as well as MY LIFE.

Coraline posted 7/2/2013 21:16 PM

(((NG))) I'm so sorry. Your STBX (so soon!) really is one of the very, very worst. I wish I could do something more helpful than validate that for you. :(

sparkysable posted 7/2/2013 21:19 PM

30-40 minutes? sheesh!

caregiver9000 posted 7/2/2013 21:21 PM

This may not be helpful at all......

I am imagining that tomorrow you wake up and pretend with the kids that you won the lottery. Have a lovely conversation about the benefits of exercising the imagination and the fun of pretending...

Go online and choose fantasy destinations.

Craft your own passports and plane tickets.

Pack just for fun!!

Then enjoy the kids talking on and on about their day.

Day 2,

You can pretend to be missionaries in a third world country and do without electricity and running water for a few hours and cook over a backyard campfire.

Nature_Girl posted 7/2/2013 21:23 PM

30-40 minutes? sheesh!

Drives me up a fucking wall!!!!!!! On a good night it's only 20 minutes. Thirty minutes is the norm. Every.fucking.night. We're at 25 minutes & counting right now...

Nature_Girl posted 7/2/2013 21:25 PM

...tick and now it's 26 minutes...

Caregiver, I like that idea. I understand exactly what you're saying and am going to make that happen. HA!

Nature_Girl posted 7/2/2013 21:33 PM

Thirty-one minutes and done for the night.

I'm going to be even more resentful of this when I finally start working and have very limited time to spend with my kids.

thenon-goddess posted 7/2/2013 22:37 PM

NG , aside from the pumping them for information, the nightly phone calls wouldn't bother me so much. My ex NEVER calls his kids and I feel horrible about that. If he called and talked to them every night for 20+ minutes I would rejoice that he was taking a moment for his kids and that it gave me a moment, where the kids were occupied, that I could get something done around the house.

Kids love their parents regardless of how sucky they are, and their presence is a big deal to them.

Nature_Girl posted 7/2/2013 23:15 PM

If he called and talked to them every night for 20+ minutes I would rejoice that he was taking a moment for his kids and that it gave me a moment, where the kids were occupied, that I could get something done around the house

You would rejoice for a time, yes. There would come a point, though, where you would not appreciate having your entire life reported on a nightly basis to someone who then used that information to try and harm you or prove you unfit. There would come a point where you would grow to resent having your personal life written down in notebooks to be used against you at some point in the future. There would come a point where you would resent having your privacy violated nightly. I promise you, you really would resent having your personal life shared with your worst enemy every single day.

And one day my children will finally be mature enough to understand how completely used they have been by their father. One day they'll have a DDay of their own. I know it's coming for mine.

If all STBX did was just talk "nice" and was only talking to the kids about kid stuff, if he normally was a great dad who only ever acted in the best interest of the children, if I knew he wasn't keeping detailed dossiers on me, then I wouldn't even have started this thread to begin with.

Kajem posted 7/3/2013 00:04 AM

NG, I get it, your STBX and my XH are 2 peas in that same pod.

Is he keeping the kids up late? you can curtail his calls. I HAD to do this with XH, because he would call after bedtime on a school night. Eventually I started to put my foot down. He had to call by 8:30, bedtime was 9pm on a school night. I started taking the cellphone and cutting the ringer on the land line. He never really did get the message and would call at 8:50.. that meant he got 2 1/2 minutes per kid.

It cut down on how many questions he got to ask... and as soon as we went to court and my kids realized everything he brought up was gleaned from the questions he asked them... THEY CLAMMED up, and do their best to protect me. Well all but one kid, she is still spilling her life at my house for crumbs from him.

Keep a journal about what they are talking about... how they are asked about you.. etc... so the court can see he is pumping them for information... which is using your kids as pawns, whether or not he uses them against you be seen in the not to distant future.

Deep breathes... the kids don't know.. and it is so hard to tell them they are being used by the other parent.. whom they love.

they will find out eventually and will be really hurting then.. because they helped him hurt you and because they were betrayed by him. At that point, you won't care about you.. just your kids.

Hugs,

K

itainteasy posted 7/3/2013 11:03 AM

Nature_Girl, he will stop when the kids figure out that Daddy doesn't really care what they did, he just wants to know what MOMMY did.

The kids will stop telling him.

Your ex is so pissed off that you DARED to close the curtains on the window he had into your life, that he's using your kids as a peeping tom.

It's sick.

But until the kids figure out that Daddy just wants to know what Mommy did---they're going to keep opening the curtains a little bit so he can see.

peridot posted 7/3/2013 11:28 AM

Nature_Girl, if he's anything like the rest of these NPD people he will get bored with these calls and stop calling. He is probably only doing it for looks for court. Try to hang in there! You should do what Caregiver suggested lmao!

SBB posted 7/3/2013 17:49 PM

We cannot control their fuckery but we can control how much we let it impact us.

Fuck him. Fuck his snooping. Fuck his bullshit posturing.

I cannot believe how long those phone calls are.

Here's hoping he moves the fuck on someday and gets his ego kibbles elsewhere.

Kids know when they are being pumped. Unfortunately it appeals to their strong desire to make their parents happy.

The sad clown pumps my 5 y/o for info.

She recently asked me if she could tell me something that would make me sad. I told her if it was the truth I ALWAYS wanted to hear it - whether it made me sad or not.

She told me she told 'stories' about me to her dad - its our word for lie. I asked her why and she said because it made him happy. I asked her if she told me stories about him and she said she did. She thinks it makes me happy too.

I don't pump her for info but I've suspect she has become used to being pumped so starts sharing with me even though I don't ask beyond "how was your weekend - did you have fun? What did you get up to?".

I explained to her that lies don't make me happy. If I said she could have an icecream she would be happy, right? But if was a lie then she would be sad that she wasn't getting icecream AND sad that I had told stories.

I don't know what you can do about this. I'd be trying to cut down the phone calls for one. It must be really disruptive when you're trying to do homework, dinner, bath bed. I just don't know how you do that.

He is most likely doing it to drive you nuts. Can you set up an activity or something that they are interested in so their calls are shorter?

Compartmented posted 7/3/2013 22:06 PM

Keep a journal about what they are talking about... how they are asked about you.. etc... so the court can see he is pumping them for information... which is using your kids as pawns, whether or not he uses them against you be seen in the not to distant future.

I like this! This might help. He'll have lots and lots of notes taken, but will only use a few choice things in court. So he won't appear to have pumped them.

If you've got detailed diaries of day after day after day of your children telling him things about you, that will be very powerful. Jot down enough to show they are answering his questions, if you can.

I also like the idea of having something fun going on at your house to draw the kids away from the phone.

I know this type of person. My X can weave quite a tale with only a minute shred of "truth" to it, and PEOPLE BELIEVE HIM. I've seen it happen over and over. I know why you are being careful.

I'm so glad we have SI, and people can make suggestions for you (and me). In the past it was so hard for me to know what to do when I saw what X was up to. What he'd be doing was outrageous, and I'd cower in fear, when what others would do is shine a flashlight on it. I'm still amazed at how blinded and fearful I was.

Nature_Girl posted 7/3/2013 22:19 PM

Your ex is so pissed off that you DARED to close the curtains on the window he had into your life, that he's using your kids as a peeping tom.

This is GOLD!

My X can weave quite a tale with only a minute shred of "truth" to it, and PEOPLE BELIEVE HIM. I've seen it happen over and over.

That's exactly how it is here, too.

Catwoman posted 7/4/2013 04:50 AM

I deal with this to. The best way, honestly, is to adopt the perspective that whatever the kids know, he will know. And if you don't want him to know and you can keep it from the kids, do it. If you can't keep it from him, he will know.

It sucks, but I have also found out stuff about him from the kids, so it is fairly even. And I make sure I paint a glowing picture for him (I.e. don't let the kids know about my frustrations).

My ex is furious that my life is happy and his is not. Oh, well.

Cat

homewrecked2011 posted 7/5/2013 04:18 AM

Email your atty today and tell him this is going on. Ask that in the final papers it says for WH to call before 6 pm on school nights due to the long conversations. Great idea on keeping the journal of what he asks the kids.

You have showed great strength to him and he is trying to do anything to "rile you up" because he wants your anger and your attention, so he is using your children.

Show only calm confidence regarding the phone calls in front of your children so that the anger/irritation does not get reported back to him.....

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:19 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

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