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Got my sons back tonight. For those that don't know, I called DCF on my STBX a couple weeks ago because the kids told me he was playing a "game" with them where he spanks their asses until they are red, sometimes as a game, sometimes as a punishment, including MOW's kid (and MOW apparently held their arms down), and both of my sons admitted they saw each other's and MOW's kid's butts red and that MOW's kid was crying when it happened.

He also let them watch a rated R movie filled with violence, over 200 curse words, nudity, and drug use, including cocaine. And all of this after admitting to dunking their heads in a toilet a few months ago, which he said was "horseplay."

I told my older son tonight while eating our nightly snack that I missed him while he was gone, and he said, "I don't believe you." I said, "Why would you say that??" He said, "I don't know, I just don't believe that you miss me when I'm gone."

Well I've been stressing out like hell, wondering if DCF was even taking my concerns into consideration, but when putting my kids to bed, my older son said that he doesn't ever want to talk about things he does with dad anymore and that dad told him he has to keep everything they do a secret now since I had a police officer woman go to the house yesterday while he was at dad's. From the little bit I gathered, she questioned them all, separately and together, including MOW and her kid since they were there too, and took pictures of all of them. DS9 told me that dad thought he put in a different movie and fell asleep and didn't know they watched the rated R movie. He said dad was asleep in the same room, but didn't watch it with them (STBX works a shift that starts at 3 a.m. and constantly takes naps). How he started the movie and passed out before seeing the title sounds like a huge load of bullshit, and I hope the investigator noticed that..

My son also complained that dad and MOW lock themselves in the bedroom sometimes and tell all the kids to go away. I asked why he thinks dad does that, and he said he doesn't know, but that he remembers looking for them and seeing them "laying together"..

Well now I have my son wanting to keep everything a secret from me, and I'm at my wits end trying to figure out how to prevent this. STBX initially forced the kids to keep his time spent with OW and her kid a secret for over a year during his affair, always telling them, "Don't tell mom, I'll tell mom. She will be mad if you talk about it."

I keep trying to use examples of why secrets are a bad thing, but my son just keeps saying that he thinks I'm trying to take him away from his dad and not let him see him anymore, so he doesn't want to tell me anything.. I tried not to pressure him, and he was tired, so I just gave him lots of love and kisses and rubbed his head till he feel asleep.. He did say, "I love you mom" while I was rubbing his head..

Any advice from people who have dealt with DCF before would be appreciated. I'm really not sure how to talk to my kids about it, if I should admit that I called them, if I should tell them why. I've always told myself that I won't disparage my ex as a person, but I will tell my children what I disagree with as far as his behaviors.. I want to be someone the kids can trust to always tell them the truth, but I have no idea how to make this age appropriate and not make things worse, for them or myself, by telling them too much..

Ugh, someone bring me out of this twilight zone mindfuck. I'm so lost and have no idea what's coming next or if I should talk to my kids about this at all..

I'll be pissed if he somehow snowed this DCF woman into believing it was all a misunderstanding, but I also won't know how to handle it if he does get limited or supervised visitation and then completely blames it on me and gets the kids pissed at me..

You need a family & child counselor immediately. If you already have one, then it's time for an emergency session.

I do have one, but they aren't due till next week because she is on vacation for the holiday this week.. Perhaps I could get in to see someone else..

I actually have a feeling the counselor called as well since I told her about the red ass game and gave her a list of why the movie was rated R, and she said that with some things it's best if we both call, but she didn't actually tell me she would be..

It feels a little odd, Nature_Girl, that we are kind of having the opposite problem, and I almost feel like I'm the one pumping them for information looking for reasons he's an unfit parent.. I don't want to do that, but too many things just seem so very wrong here..

But you have a reason to need to get info from your babies. They are being abused. You know it. Now he's turning them against you, making you the enemy.

Speaking only for me, I would tell my kids that I called DCF, and I'd tell them why. They already know who called, anyway. But I have a fairly close relationship with my kids in which we talk about very hard subjects at home already. I would educate my kids about definitions of the various types of abuse.

Just like one day my kids are going to realize their dad's been using them, one day your kids are going to realize their dad has been abusing them and allowing others to abuse them. You & me both are going to be dealing with some even worse shit when that day arrives. The good news for us is that we can both honestly claim we did all we could to protect our children.

How old are your kids? You want to stay honest with your kids so tell them the truth. You called DCF and then tell them why(the abuse, inappropriate things,etc). You tell the kids you had no choice but to call because it's the law to call DCF when abuse is going on. You could get in trouble for not calling. That's the truth!

The IC probably did call DCF. She has to by law if she suspects abuse.

My XH also told the kids to keep things from me. His family has also. I don't know how many times I have heard the kids say someone in their family told them to "not tell mommy".

This might work for you. I told my kids when someone says "don't tell mommy", they need to tell me because any time someone says that they are hiding something I should probably know about. I also told the kids when someone is keeping a secret they are probably doing something they shouldn't be.

Butterfly,

I work for a mental health clinic for children.

What your ex is doing is teaching them that lying and secrets are okay. This will stick with them as men. It is abuse. It is not a form of a loving, caring, in the best interest for the chidren. Your ex is putting them in harms way. Also, when going in the room and locking the door (most likely having sex) while they are there for long periods of time is negelct. The GAMES? The game of slapping the ass till it gets red??? Sounds sexual, like your ex is getting off on it? That could lead somewhere else.

Your boys don't understand this, but you could explain it to them. I would be honest with them as to why this is not right and you are scared when they are there.

Now, your older son doesn't want to tell you things, why? Because his dad most likely got pissed and put the fear of God into him. He is scared to tell the truth because he does love his dad and doesn't want him to get into trouble.

Both your boys know this is messed up, But they are young and scared of all of this now.

Get them into the therapist PLEASE.. Call and make an emerency appt, explain and they will get you in.

And gee I wonder what they do to the OW's child when your boys are not there? I mean if he does this crap with his own, I wonder what he is like to that child!

They both need help (ex and OW) they are crossing boundraies of children. Dumbass's.

[This message edited by Faithful w/Love at 12:40 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

Oh also, the dunking the heads in the toliet is physical abuse just like the slapping. What if one of the kids drowned? It only takes a teaspoon of water to kill you. Or what if someone slipped in the water and smack there little head on toliet, sink, tub, floor? That is putting them in danger. Not to mention the germs?

Fight you ass off for your boys. Keep calling and telling the therapist. It is their job to report this to DCF,Hell DCF may work in the same place as therapise, I know we have case worker, in home workers, social workers, Clinical base workers, Therapist, Doctors. So they have to report ANY type of abuse.

Thanks for all the support everyone. My boys are 9 and 5..

I called again today, and the DCF investigator finally called me back. She said she doesn't have enough for abuse or neglect, so the case will be closed, but that she did think things were inappropriate and that she spent quite a bit of time trying to explain that to my STBX..

She suggested I try to go for more custody given all this, but that there isn't anything more she can do at this time.

I asked about emotional abuse, keeping secrets, etc., and she said that is very hard to prove and would require a mental evaluation of the kids, but to keep documenting things.

She did say she thinks my kids are well adjusted and not traumatized by the things he did, so most likely the mental evaluation wouldn't help.

It's just what Nature_Girl complains of all the time, I can't do anything to prevent it, I just have to sit around and wait till he truly does mess them up. I guess him attempting to mess them up isn't enough

This so sucks..

Our counselors are closed for the rest of the week for the holiday, but I called the insurance company and asked the DCF investigator for some recommendations of counselors who specialize more in this stuff, so I think I will be switching soon. I liked the kids' previous counselor, but I don't think she is qualified enough.. I guess for me too. I need help figuring out how to handle this crap..

If it keeps up do an E-val done. And speak to counselor.

I urge you to force a parenting evaluation to be done. It's terribly expensive but it may be what's needed to protect your kids.

I kept getting told by the state and the court that they couldn't do anything until something happened to the kids. Keep calling DCF every time something happens, no matter how small of a thing it is. If they come home with bruises, marks or sores take pictures and call DCF.