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DragnHeart posted 7/3/2013 08:12 AM

I'm beginning to think that lying (which includes little white lies and lying by omission) is a constant in our lives and in our marriage.

I question EVERYTHING he says and for good reason. He lied to my face countless times during and after his A's. I cannot prove that he's cheating now but he is still lying.

For example there are numbers on his phone that I don't recognize. One number is a missed call. The other is listed as both a missed call and then he called it, talking for one minute. I didn't want to get into a fight with him so I causually asked if he knew who called him, referring only to the missed calls. He said he didn't.... Red flag! He not only called one of the numbers, he spoke to that person for exactly a minute. He knows who it is!!! I suspect the numbers are the new ones his parents have since buying new phones but I can't be sure.

Then I have the problem that in order to maintain my surveillance I lie as well....

Yesterday he lied to me about being late getting home. This was because he was picking something up to surprise me. I realize since I have kept a close eye on his email and phone that it's difficult and frustrating for him to do things like that for me. It's just harder for me to trust him.

So while he believes I didn't know, I actually did and I played along when he text me why he was going to be late.

Am I happy with what he surprised me with, yes! Could he have done it without lying? Probably not but it still bothers me.

I have caught him in many small lies and big ones. How many more have I not caught?

huRtZ413 posted 7/3/2013 08:38 AM

Everyone lies ...
Everyone is out for their best interest big or small lied for you right? keep your position .
He lied to save his ass.
Ppl lie to protect , deceive , and because they worry about when ppl think.

I've lied plenty mostly omission and white lies ....a lot my seem they were to deceive in my mind I was protecting .....WH lied to protect his image and omission .
He never lied about his affair though weird ...

Sucks I'd imagine though that if a person said everything on their mind without holding back we would all be alone ...

DragnHeart posted 7/3/2013 08:52 AM

I googles lying. One definition had a HUGE list of different types of lies. It really is amazing how many types there are...

I know we all lie. And I agree if we always said exactly what we wanted we wouldn't have anyone around lol.

I do believe his A's make believing anything he says almost impossible!

I often wonder what lies he told me before all of the A stuff...

Is lying a personality characteristic/trait? Will he always lie? Will I ever believe him again?

callmecrazy posted 7/3/2013 09:01 AM

I finally told him...Im done lying to catch you are the ultimate liar and Im not letting you change me. Put all your info out for me to see w/o sneaking or get lost bc Im done being Nancy Drew to my husband. We will see how this goes, so far I have noticed some changes.

DragnHeart posted 7/3/2013 09:09 AM

I hate lying and sneaking around! I hate it! It's no way to live but even after taking a break from it all I felt I had to start up again. His actions weren't proving his reliability...

Now I'm back to checking everything and it's wearing on me!

I just want to be able to believe him again. In anything he says.

If I confront with something he always gets defensive. I asked one day if he had gotten any calls from ow2. Befor saying he hadnt, he asked me if that's why I had the phones re-activated, so I could find out of she's calling him...ugh! I had meant at work not his cell for one!!!

Edited because while trying to swatt a fly I hit send...

I know he hates being asked about things but he hasn't done much to make me feel I can trust him. His little lies hurt that a lot. I wish he could understand that!!!

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 9:11 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

DragnHeart posted 7/3/2013 09:28 AM

A better question is: does his A's justify MY lying?

Am I not just as wrong as he is?

Yes I'm trying to find the truth in his actions but I'm doing it by lying about my own actions. Ok so I'm not having an affair. But I am lying to him about what I am doing to see if he is still having one...ugh!

callmecrazy posted 7/3/2013 10:50 AM

IDK the answer to that bc I felt the same way...I kind of justified myself w/ its for the greater good bc if I didnt check we wld 100% be divorced. Another thing I did is said "just assume if there is a way to check on you Im doing it" He told me I cldnt speak with anyone in any way to check a story, wldnt give me phone records etc. When he'd ask how I knew something I'd say "doesnt matter, but I do" He'd say you're the one with secrets and Id say "my secret was I knew, now you know that I do you were the one who has secrets bc I doubt I catch 100% of everything.

DragnHeart posted 7/3/2013 10:59 AM

It seems to be a nasty cycle of lying.

I tried to "fake" being surprised and wh said he was worried that I would check his email and ruin the surprise. Part of me thinks he might know. Maybe not.

The thing is if I hadn't have known what he was doing, his lie about being late would have sent me for a loop. Ow2 lives close to his work. I have been using the Var a lot and wouldn't have known for sure what happened until I listened to it. That waiting really irritates me.

MartlArts posted 7/3/2013 13:31 PM

Dragonheart - it is a conundrum, isn't it? You feel bad for snooping and spoiling the surprise, but as you said if you hadn't snooped you might have been thinking the worst and been in such a mood by the time he got home the surprise would have been spoiled by your mood.

I have lied by omission - put filters on H's emails so if wannabe OW ever tried to contact him I'd know before he did. Then the extra effort to check, and clearing history so he won't see.... sigh.....

Funny thing is, he never really lied during his OEA, probably b/c at the time he didn't believe he was doing anything wrong. But all his life he had been kind of a knee-jerk liar. Goes back to when he was a kid with A.D.D., always trying to cover his butt when he got distracted and forgot to do things.

That behavior carried into adulthood, but post d-day I put my foot down, it was no longer acceptable. And I have been able to see a real effort to tell the truth instead of what he thinks will cause the least trouble for him.

MartlArts posted 7/3/2013 13:37 PM

I guess I do think some white lies are justified. Like if your friend is taking a very necessary medication that causes, bloating, bad skin, or something like that. If my friend was bemoaning how they looked, and I know there's nothing to be done about it, I'd tell her she looked fine. That being said, I'd never let a friend buy an unflattering outfit, if they are asking my opinion I'd try to direct them to something that flattered.

DragnHeart posted 7/3/2013 13:49 PM

I feel bad for ruining the surprise. I knew. Even though I don't know that he knew I knew...

The bad part of all of this is that its exhausting! I have finally figured out the var so 15 hour recordings are cut down to 8. Sometimes less due to a lack of background noise but still it's exhausting. There are things I know, things that in any other circumstance wouldn't matter but because of his A's set off red flags in my head.

"is he telling the truth?"

I have heard things happen that I can't just can't go tell him because he'll know I had the var.

I am keeping stuff from him to protect my means of keeping track of him.

I do think he has lied about a lot more than I know about. And I believe he is keeping a lot to himself (lying by omission?).

I really wish he felt comfortable enough with ME not to lie...

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