SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

FightingBack posted 7/3/2013 11:11 AM

I'm still searching. Still,looking for insight regarding the anatomy of a Long Term, monogamous extra marital relationship.

I've read all the usual suggestions, yet none actually speak about the long term, the dual life.

Any suggestions anyone?

Thanks

Tred posted 7/3/2013 11:21 AM

FB,

No suggestions, but the term "monogamous" in the same phrase as "extra marital relationship" is probably screwing up my Google searches .

FightingBack posted 7/3/2013 11:28 AM

I know it sounds weird, and it makes my heart clench whenever I read it, but in my case that is just what it was. Theirs was a relationship outside of their respective marriages which lasted longer than our "exclusive" marriage had (and still has), yet they were monogamous to each other.

I would say that for the last five years before discovery, WH and I were intimate maybe twice a year only.
(I just thought he was getting old and boring!)

atsenaotie posted 7/3/2013 11:40 AM

I never saw a book focused on the LTA, but as the BS of a LTA I found Sexual Detours by Holly Hines to be very helpful. She explains the dynamics of the A very well with her 3 leggesd stool analogy.

FightingBack posted 7/3/2013 12:12 PM

Thanks Tred, for searching, and Ats for the suggestion.
Actually, that book was mentioned by another poster and when I read the post today it sparked me to ask this question.

I read the synopsis for "Sexual Detours" and also some reviews. One reviewer said she liked the book but wished it had dealt more with long term "detours".

But if you found it helpful, I will give it a try.

Faithful w/Love posted 7/3/2013 12:14 PM

When you find one please let me know. I am a BS of a LTA, almost 4 years.

Blobette posted 7/3/2013 12:32 PM

ATS, I saw your review! Thanks for the rec, I ordered it. I sometimes think I see some of the posters here in various reviews and also I'm SURE I've seen posts on Dear Prudie from SIers.

But I agree that the psychology of a LTA is unique. I met with WH's therapist -- who is very experienced -- and I told her that, even on here, WH's LTA was unusual. And that's saying a lot. But that there were some themes that seemed to fit him. We all search for some way of understanding this, but sadly there's so little real research on any of this. Surprising, really, considering how common it all is. "More research is needed!" said the Professor...

Ostrich80 posted 7/3/2013 12:35 PM

Ditto...my ws has been involved for going on 8yrs. He has been faithful to
her..more than to me

atsenaotie posted 7/3/2013 14:00 PM

What I found helpful in Sexual Detours was how it helped me to understand what led to my FWW's decision to have an A, and what sustained the A over time. The book describes an A as a waste of time, the choice before the affairs; improve the marriage or end it, are the same ones at the end of the A. The A is just easier and more fun than dealing with the M and a spouse who, unlike the OP, does not believe that you are perfect. The discussion in the book of the FOO issues both partners bring to the M was very instructive for the issues I needed to work on, and what I should look for FWW to fix.

Ostrich80,

my ws has been involved for going on 8yrs. He has been faithful to
her..more than to me

He was faithful to neither of you.